Guest Poster-Count Dooku: Home Alone

Oh dear me, it’s dreadfully quiet around here. Now that my old padawan Qui-Gon has gone off into the Æther once more and that rather repulsive little Jawa has gone off to some pedestrian game show contest. What a droll little man.

And although I do enjoy their luxury apartment and the fact I can now go to the bathroom with the door wide open, there still seems to be a lack of…how should I say it…interesting activities for me to attend to.

So I am turning to you kind folks out there to help me decide just what subject I should post about in the coming weeks.

1. Give pointers on the fine art of Sith lawn bowls.

2. Talk smack about Yoda

3. Go out, get drunk and pick up some separatist chicks.

4. Make a delicious cream puff

5. Talk smack about Yoda

6. Choke the weasel (if you know what I mean)

7. Choke an actual weasel.

8. Crank call Darth Sidious

9. Discuss top hat accessories.

10. Show the proper way to house train a wookiee.

11. Dance Dance Revolution

12. Lance that troublesome boil on my backside

13. Talk smack about Yoda

Well, that’s it for now. I do hope some of you would drop me a line and tell me what I should do to pass the time here. Watching the telly can be so dreadfully boring. Especially when the only channel you get is the Jawa Discovery Channel. (How terribly peasant)

Cherrio!

A Little Extra Help

One thing I don’t need is help with making the brownies. Normally Qui oversees most of the actual brownie construction. He knows how to blend the right amount of fudgy goodness with the woop-dee spiceness. But since he’s taking a sabbatical in the Æther, it looks like it’s up to me to oversee the mixing and baking.

Now, being a business minded Jawa, doing anything in the kitchen large scale just ain’t my forte. In fact I think I’d rather mud wrestle Hutts than cook in the kitchen, but since I’m the only other person beside ol Qui who knows the secret recipe, it looks like I’m gonna be Betty Crocker for a while.

Boy I hope QG comes back soon.

Not just for the baking but Dooku is driving me nuts. Oh, he cleans up after himself….sometimes. And the walls are thick enough that I don’t hear him snoring, but since Qui Gon has left he’s always underfoot wanting to help with something or another.

And thus, the time he decided to make the next batch of brownies.

“Here you go, ol chap. I thought I would help you out and mix up today’s batch of your delectable dank delights.”

“Wha-? Dooku…you made today’s brownies? But you don’t know the secret recipe.”
””Oh hogwash! Why, I should say, my own recipe has made many in my generation quite euphoric in its day. Qui-Gon never understood the subtle layering of intricate flavors like I did. Here, have a taste.”

“Hey, are those seeds? How much of our ‘spice’ did you put in there?”

“Oh, stop being such a baby and have one.”

So, throwing causion to the wind, I ate one of Dooku’s brownies. It was a bit dry at first and a twig got firmly lodged between my front teeth…but the taste was appealing.

I stood there for a few moments waiting for my body to react.

“There there, my boy. I told you they were good.” Dooku chimed in.

I wasn’t sure yet. Still I waited; his eye always on me.

Mesmerizing….turning….twisting…

“There…now don’t you think my recipe is better?”

Oh yeah….that fudgy goodness is hitting me now….

???

No no, mr. T.V. man…I don’t need a hand…I need a tan and a fan….

Hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana….

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Time to move on

(...not sure if I should be advertising for this...so soon after the Ithorian incident ....but here goes...)

Make Room for Dooku

Everything was working perfectly. Jar Jar came over reeking of Old Spice and aged polyester and instantly started making the moves on Rhonda.

I made some drinks and put on some music and watched the ol Gungan charm melt over her.
After a few drinks, I was waiting for that said charm to appear any ol minute.

After a few bottles I was beginning to get worried. It seemed all they did was play Ms. AT-AT in the game room. This was getting depressing. How was I going to get these two to commit adultery before my eyes?

Then the doorbell rang. Dominos? I don’t think so.
I stumbled over to the door and low and behold there was Count Dooku wrapped in a fine overcoat and carrying luggage.

“Ah, there you are my good Jawa. Would you be so kind as to take these for me and place them in my new accommodations while I make some tea? It’s awfully nippy out there tonight.”

Dooku? Oh that’s right. I lost in a high stakes poker game with Palps and this was my…eh…losses. So to speak.

Great. Just what I don’t need. Now I got two unwanted guests in my home. Before I could say another word, the ol Count tossed his top hat on the sofa and stepped into the living room. He surveyed the surroundings and I saw a scoul appear on his crusty old face.

“Dear me, I am slumming is these days, aren’t I? Oh well. I hear you have a Jacuzzi so I suppose it won’t be all that bad.” He then stopped and turned to me. “J.J.! Haven’t you taken my bags to my room yet? And where’s that tea? Don’t you have a servant?”

Just then, Jar Jar came down the spiral stairs. “Ah, that must be him now.” He smacked his hands together and his nose got all pinched up. “You there Gungan. Fix me some tea.”

Jar Jar looked at Dooku kinda perplexed for a moment then shrugged his shoulders. “Okie-dokie messa Dooku. Messa fixa special tea for you.” Jar Jar then stepped into the kitchen.

Just then Rhonda stepped down. “lil’ J.J. honey, I think I need a new fingernail scrubber. I hear there’s a diamond encrusted one for only 35 thousand credits. Do you mind if I get it tomorrow…oh. I didn’t know you had com-”

“Rhonda? Is that you?” Said Dooku. “Why it is you. I didn’t know you were working in this system. It’s been a long time. So who’s your mark this time.”

She froze in her tracks.

Dooku’s eyes slid from the Ithorian to myself then back. “Oh dear…eh…this is your wife J.J.?”

“Yeah….I think so. Mark, eh? Well that makes more sense. You’re bleeding me dry aint cha, Rhonda?”

“AARRRGGGGG!! Dooku you moron!!! Couldn’t you wait to open your high-falutin’ mouth until I got some more expensive crap from him?”

“Oh dearie….eh…I think I’ll retire early tonight.”

“Doesn’t matter. I still have all the gifts and stuff you gave me,” she stormed over me. “You can’t take those away now.”

“Ya think, toots? I’m a Jawa, like my father before me.”

“I thought you said your father was a lemur.”

“Whatever. We Jawa’s are known for our iron clad contracts on gift returns. I’m in the commerce business. I have contacts with every vender you bought from. I’m sure everything can be returned nice and easy tomorrow. Don’t you worry your double mouths over it. Now….who set you up to this?”

Rhonda started sweating bullets. No, real bullets. 45 caliber. Weirdest thing I ever did see. Just then, Jar Jar came back in the room with a cup of tea that for some reason was smoking in Technicolor and smelling of Fruit Loops. “Heresa yousa nice drink, Dooku. Messa made it special for you. Muy muy tasty.”

“I ….I….” Rhonda stammered. “I need a drink.” She suddenly snatched up the steaming cup and downed the boiling liquid.

Rhonda froze where she stood. Her skin color turned from gray to green to bright red. Bullet shells were falling on the ground like a fountain. He mouths opened up wide and a hideous scream came out in stereo. She started flapping around the room like a rancor with its head cut off before racing to the Jacuzzi to plunge her head inside. Huge gouts of steam billowed forth.

“Oh dear. I guess I won’t be going in there anytime soon.”

When I stepped outside onto the patio…she was gone. Whether she decided to take that moment to escape or she simply…evaporated I guess I’ll never know. Oh well. At least she’s gone. Tomorrow I’ll return all that stuff I bought for her and everything will be okay.

I retuned back into the living room to see Jar Jar hand Dooku another cup of that steaming stuff. He took a sip. “Oh my yes, Jar Jar. Very nice indeed. Although it could use a little more chili sauce for my liking.” For some reason, Jar Jar looked a little disappointed.

I patted the Gungan on the back of the knee. “That’s alright, Jar Jar. At least we got rid of the ol ball and chain…. thanks to the Dookster here. Ya know. Maybe it won’t be so bad having you around after all."

Plan B

Okay, this is beginning to suck big time. Rhonda, the Ithorian,…my wife is everywhere I turn and I can’t seem to get away from her. She’s starting to redecorate the whole apartment now. Something has to be done. Drastic measures must be taken.

But how do I annul our marriage? If only she found someone more suiting to her and had an affair. Someone to sweep her off her feet and ride the railway of romance. Someone just a weird as her and not just a little bit…how should I say it…dense. Hmmmmmmm….

An idea formed in my mind. I made a quick call.

“Look, I’ll pay you. … Yeah, that’s right. With real credits. Just come over in your most dashing outfit and make some moves on her. She’s just bound to fall for you. And once she does, I can claim adultery and get a divorce. … What do you mean? Of course you’ll have to sleep with her. Come on, you’ve done weirder things than that. Just come by after eight. …Okay, thanks.”

It was all set. I made sure we hung out at the house until after eight and waited for her potential suitor.

Just as she was suggesting going to be early, the doorbell rang. I raced over to the door. “Gee, I wonder who that could be?” I opened the door and…..

“Hellosa Missa J.J. I just thought…oooo Whosa is this beauty?”

No Way Out

I just don’t know what to do now. I’m married to an Ithorian and it’s all nice and legal. Maybe if I hadn’t …consummated the marriage I could have found a loop hole out of it. But no, that would be too easy.

So now I have a wife sharing my living space with me and Qui. And she’s changing everything. My room is now decorated in mauve and purple with foo-foo fuzzy pillows and a whole bunch of beauty crap in my bathroom. If I wanted to move in with Mace, I would have asked him.

And every time I turn around, there she is waiting to smother me with love or food. Believe me, after a few bites, both are no longer very appetizing.

Funny, QG doesn’t seem to mind Rhonda that much. In fact they seem to get along quite well. So I asked him one day, “Hey Qui, Doesn’t it bug you that we have to share this place with her?”

“Aw, no man. In fact it’s kinda nice having someone else to talk to. I never knew Ithorians were so in touch with the living force and all. It’s like, so cool to have someone else who can really see and hear me, man. Maybe that’s why you guys are such a perfect couple.”

I cringed at the thought.

“And besides, she owns a first pressing of A Hard Days Knight. How cool is that?”

“Eh…yeah. That’s just spiffy. Maybe I’ll go into the office and see if there’s some work that needs to be done before we go on that reunion tour of yours next month.”

“Oh yeah, the three of us will have so much fun.”
My little flashlight eyes dimmed for a second. “The….three of us? Qui…don’t tell me that…”

“Oh yeah man, I forgot to tell you. Rhonda’s coming with us. With that stereo voice of hers she a natural for a backup singer. She’s gonna be in the show man. So you guys can take your groove on the road now.”

I felt the walls close in on me. I made a mad dash to my office. Maybe some good ol hard number crunching will get my mind off the situation.

But even there, during a halo-group conference power talk with the brownie distributors she managed to barge in at the worst possible time. “Say Pookie-Doo, do you want me to sew up the holes in your little undies?”

The conference members roared with laughter. I just stood there jaws clenched on my stogie until I thought it would snap in half.

I had to get out of there...out of the house…even if for just a little while. Amazingly it was Qui who came up with a solution.

“Hey J.J., Dooku just invited me to a small poker party he’s throwing. You want to come along?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”

"Is…..she coming?”

“Who Rhonda?”

“SSHHHHHHhhhhh. ……yeah.”

“Uh, no man. I think she said she had to do her nails….all seventeen of them.”

“Great! Let’s go!!!!”

I only had time to grab a fist full of credits, but that’s okay. For the night I was free.

You can watch how the game goes here. And although it’s at my arch-snack rival’s place, it’s bound to be better that what’s waiting for me back home.

My Wife the Hammerhead

Yeah, you read that right the first time. Sometime during my five day drinking binge at Watto’s Casino and Resort I somehow got hitched to an Ithorian. How this happened, I ain’t quite sure but I think we met while betting on the Hutt sumo wrestling.

Now she’s here in my home…sleeping in my bed and eating in my kitchen and showing off her new….ring?

“Holy crap!! Did I pay for that?”

“Why of course, sweetie-pea. Don’t you remember? We got it from Watto himself.” She fluttered her gangly fingers in the air.

“How much did that flying tick want for it?”

“eighty-five thousand.”

“…Credits?!?!?!?”

“But you told him your love for me was greater than that and said he would have to take an even hundred for it.”

“Woah, dude. You must have really been wasted to haggle up like that.” Qui-Gon mentioned while pouring himself a second cup of tea.

“Gee, ya think?” This was just too much for me to process on a hangover. I needed some time to think. “I…I think I’m going to go back to bed…”

“oooh…Does that mean you’re wanting a little more…Hammer-Time?”

Eeeppp!

“Eh…on second though…I think I’ll just take a shower….alone…”

I stepped out of the kitchen and slowly wattled back to my living quarters. Now what do I do? I got a wife…what was her name again? Rhonda? Rhonda the Ithorian. Good God, could my life get any worse.

“Uh…J.J. …” I heard Qui-Gon’s ethereal voice drift up behind me. “Uh…can I ask you something?”

“Ohhh…I suppose so. What is it?”

“So like…I’m your best friend and all right?”

“Uh…yeah.”

“So like…why didn’t you invite me to your wedding and all, man. I would have like…baked some special wedding brownies and all had I known.”

“Hey, If I had known I was getting married to…that…I would have stabbed myself repeatedly until I resembled swiss cheese. I was wasted, Qui. I was out of my freaking head with booze and death sticks and god knows what else. The last thing I remember was sitting in a pool ordering drinks. …And that was just the first day. Who knows what else I did while I was there. But I certainly wouldn’t have gotten married to Miss Black n’ Decker in there!”

Just then…she stepped into the hallway…

Ah jeez…here come the tears…

Morning Mourning

Okay…just relax. I got ta tell myself I’ve been in tight situations like this before.

Carefully squints eyes open beneath a shelter of blankets.

Wait….she’s gone. She must have gotten up after I pretended to fall back asleep. Maybe she got dressed and slinked back to where ever she came from.

Throws the covers back and takes a deep breath.

Oh man oh man oh man…I can’t believe I had inter-species sex with a…..Ithorian. I must have been really hammered!

Cringe at bad pun and reach for a stogie on the bedside table. Light it up and take a steadying breath. Look around carefully at my surroundings.

Hey….wait a moment….this is my room…AT HOME! I think…? Who put up all this foo-foo crap? Oooh….my head. I wish I could remember more.

Some floating images of the night before drift back into his memory.

Oh…oh yeah…I forgot that Ithorian’s have two mouths…that was kinda sweet…

He throws the covers off himself and gets up, grabbing a fresh robe.

So how did I manage to get back home? I wonder if…she drove me? Oh, never again will I drink like that. Well, too late now. Chalk it up to a learning experience and let it go. No need to dwell on the past and all.

Slips on his Jo Jo the Monkeyboy slippers and walks out of his room towards the kitchen. The smell of frying bacon and eggs whiff down the hall to greet his nose.

“Oh…Qui….what a weekend. I’m sorry I drank so much. Ya got any coffee in there?”

Walk in kitchen…stop short stunned.

“Hey man, you’re finally up. I was beginning to wonder about you.” Said Qui-Gon fixing some tea.

“Oh, there you are sweetie-pea.” The Ithorian mewed in stereo. “I was beginning to wonder if you were going to sleep the whole day away. After last night, I wouldn’t be surprised…” Wink. Wink.

“Hey, like, Rhonda here has been telling me how you guys met and all, man. Who would have thought you would take to sumo wrestling?”

“Rhonda? Rhonda who?” I spoke in stunned breaths.

“Aww…isn’t he a kidder. Why me, silly. Your wife. Don’t you remember we got married at the casino?”

EEEEeeep!

Coyote Morning

Oooooh ….my head….

The pounding….the pain….how…how much did I drink last night?

Oh yeah…that’s right. Quite a lot I suppose. I remember downing all those jello shots with Gungan vodka in them. How many did I have….twenty five? Thirty five? When will I learn?

Eyes squint open ever so slightly.

Morning….great. To blasted light. My head feels like the exhaust of a pod racer. Now…where am I again? Oh yeah….at Watto’s Casino Hotel. Yeah…that registered.

Eyes open a little more.

Hmmm….looks like I managed to make it back to my room. That’s a good sign at least. What a weekend! Ohhhhh….I gotta remind Qui to remind me not to mix more than a dozen drinks in one sitting.

Slightly pushes his head up on his pillow. Smacks his pasty lips and tries to look around.

Ohhh….I wish the room would stop spinning. I hate the spins. Man, it must have been some party. I wish…I could remember most of it.

His head turns ever so slightly to the mound next to him in bed.

Heh? Wazzat? Who’s th-

“…..Morning.”

New Mos Eisley

Finally…it’s over.

My hosting duties are done. Not that Survivor: Tatooine wasn’t fun, it’s just I’ll be glad to return to my daily life of sleeping in late, drinking too much and cussing out the help.

But while I was still on Tatooine seeing the old homestead, I also needed to swing down into Mos Eisley to get my final paycheck from the producer. Some tool named Mark Burnett I think.

The first thing I noticed when I got into town is how much the place has changed. I mean, look at it! What was once a sleepy, gritty town is now an over commercialized tourist trap.

Hmmmm….Dooku seems to be making a killing here too….

So I found this Burnett character’s office, and after waiting around for nearly three hours with nothing to do but look through five year old Better Blasters and Gaffi Sticks Magazines, I was allowed in to see him.

Right away I kinda got a bad feeling about the guy.

“Well Well, Mr Jawa Jude, nice to finally see you. I’d like to congratulate you on a fine job as host of my little Survivor show. The ratings were fantastic. Here’s your check.”

“What’s with all the extraneous merchandising? The place looks like a carnival out there.”

“No, it’s an amusement park; it’s opening up next week,” he told me with a greasy smile. “And sales of Jawa Juice are going through the roof.”

Not to mention all the little gifts and stuff for the kids. Like this Survivor: Tatooine winner costume. Boy, the kids are eating it up.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great. So where’s my cut in all this?”
”Oh…well…dear oh dear. Well, you see you signed on just to be the host. There’s nothing in the contract stipulating that you get any other money resulting from over blatant profiteering on your good name. eh…sorry.”

I looked at my check and it would hardly pay the rent. Great. Screwed again.

I didn’t know if I should tear this guy a new one or be flat out in awe of his business technique. I opted to find the nearest cantina and get drunk.

(Thanks to Becks for the assist on the pictures.)