Chapter 5: Books, Bladders and Old Broads

It took us almost two hours to reach the Jedi Temple Archive Library. It was only seven blocks away but Obi-Wan insisted he knew a short cut. Yah, that helped a heap!!

The first thing I had to do when we got there was find a bathroom. Hay, sit two hours in the trunk of a speeder and see if your bladder isn’t the size of a bowling ball.

Afterwards, I stepped along the glowing blue shelves in search of Padmé and Master Kenobi. I found them in the reference section.

“So, have you found something interesting?” I asked all hopeful like.

“You bet I did. Take a look!”

“I haven’t seen this episode in ages. HA!HA!HA! ...He’s funny cos he’s stupid.”

“I can see the common interest.”

Just then this matronly old biddy came sneaking up to us and shushed us something fierce. “If you are going to behave in that manner, I’m going to ask you all to leave.”

“Excuse me, miss…?” Obi-Wan started in.

“My name is An T’may. I’m the head night librarian here.”

“Well I am Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’ve probably heard of me.”

“No. Not really.”

“Well then, you must have heard of my stunning achievements. I helped with the battle on Geonosis and on Naboo as well as a plethora of other amazing accomplishments. I am a rather important Jedi Master you know.”

The old bird put a wizened finger to her lips. “Geonosis. Wasn’t that the battle Master Skywalker led to victory?”

Obi-Wan’s face turned red. “I should say not. And he’s just my padawan…or something like that.”

“Oh dear, really? Then how come he’s always saving your life?”

“He is not…! See here, never mind that. We’re looking for some history on the cult of Mad’da Ghast Garr. Do you think you could help us there?”

“My oh my, for a Jedi, you always seem to need a lot of help from people. But first I must ask you to take your dog outside. There are not pets allowed in the library.”

I looked around for this dog she was talking about when suddenly I felt the uncomfortable stares of my companions on me. “Hey, death on legs! I am not a dog! I’m a jawa! And I’m with them! Don’t make me lift my leg on you!”

She looked shocked. “Oh, you poor, nice young Jedi. Having to associate with such vermin and trollops.”

"Ah, Excuse me! That’s like, Senator trollop to you, you old…”

“That’s enough, Padmé. We’re here to help J.J., remember.”

“Man, this is so not fun anymore. When are we going to like, find a mall to investigate in?”

An T’may took a deep breath and composed herself. “I can see the only way I’m going to get you out of my library is to help you. Very well. The Ghast Garr cult first originated on the planet Lemurria. Not much is known of that cult but its leader, Mad’da, is said to associate itself with strange dark forces. No one knows what the intentions of this cult are but perhaps you may wish to start there.”

“Yes, I think we shall. You’ve been quite helpful, An T’may. I am indebted to you.”

“Really? Well then, perhaps you can help me out, young Jedi.”

“Well, if I can, sure.”

She started to move in real close to Obi-Wan; the smell of Polident strong on her breath. “Perhaps you can help me with some aggressive negotiations of my own. Hmmm?”

“Well…uh…you see, I think we’re in a hurry…

“In a hurry….to pass up…..THIS?”

“EEp! Gotta go!”

And not a moment too soon. This mission is just getting more dangerous by the minute!

...To be continued.

Chapter 4: Clues in the Dark

We open our tale at the bachelor bungalow of one Obi-Wan Kenobi…

“Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.”

“Ohhh, I wish I had a credit for every time someone told me that.”

“No really. I need your help,” I pleaded. I could tell I was getting to him. My screeching little voice was working wonders on his hangover. “You’re the only Jedi I know who might stand a chance against this evil Ewok!”

“What about Master Windu?” Padmé suggested.

A moment passed as we all in turn looked at each other.

“BWAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!”

“Okay, seriously. There’s no one else. We need your help,” I pleaded once more.

“Very well. Give me a moment to clean up and put on a new robe.” Master Kenobi then hobbled into the bathroom where we soon heard violent retching in a toilet bowl for at least half an hour.

Padmé and myself had to wait in that flop house he calls a home with nothing to amuse ourselves with except Obi-Wan’s extensive collection of wrestling magazines. We both decided that it would be safer to watch the mold grow on the carpet in the corner.

When Master Kenobi finally emerged though, he was a new man.

"Wow, Obi…You clean up nicely.” Padmé said all cheery like.

“Well I am a rather highly respected Jedi Master.” His voice was deep and confident as he inspected his nails nonchalantly. Now it was my turn to find the toilet.

First stop was my apartment. We made it there pretty quick-like…even though Obi-Wan drives like a granny. Once there Master Kenobi drew his lightsaber and carefully inspected the rooms. Except for the trashed bedroom, everything else was fine. No Darth Wuv.

“Well, what ever happened…the little tikes gone now,” Kenobi declared confidently.

“Thanks for your amazing Jedi perception. I never would have guessed.”

“Hey, what are these videotapes over there…”

“Ahhhh, they’re nothing, Padmé. Just some old…eh…home movies and all. Anyway don’t you think we should be looking for clues.”

“No.” Obi-Wan stated. “I think it might be wiser if we searched your apartment for clues.” He then took out his official Scooby-do magnifying glass and started to poke about. I was beginning to wonder if Master Windu might not have been a bad choice.

Then suddenly Obi-Wan stooped down. “Ah HA!!!”

“What is it? What did you find? A clue?”

“No. An old Cheeto.” That could only mean one thing.”

“W-What?”

Munch…munch… “hmmm…it’s stale. So that means it must have been from your old homecoming party.”

This was getting us far. “Master Kenobi, I know you’re a big time Jedi Master and all…”

“Why thank you. I like to think so.” He checked his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

“But wouldn’t it be wiser to find out where this Darth Wuv came from? Who trained him? And more importantly why he wants to kill me?”

“And like, what’s with that prophecy he told our little J.J. What’s a Mad’da Ghast-Garr anyway?” Padmé piped in. I guess she felt she had to say something that sounded important.

“Hmmmm…” Obi-Wan stroked his beard. I could still see a few minute orange crumbs falling out. “I’ve never heard of undead Garrs before. Perhaps we should head over to the Jedi Temple Library. I’m sure they’ll have something good to look at.”

“Ah…you do know that like, they don’t have any comic books there, right?”

Obi-Wan gave Padmé a horrified look then quickly tried to hide it. “Right. Right. I knew that. We’re here to help J.J., remember. Let’s get over there quickly.”

“Shotgun!” Padmé yelled.

Great. I’m in the trunk again.

…To be continued.

Chapter 3: A Royal Pain

My life passed before my eyes.

Five seconds later and it was done. I think I was short changed.

What about the wild nights on the beach? What about the dancing girls?

Oh ya, that's right. Those were just dreams.
I'm just a jawa, and soon to be one very dead, very flat jawa.

I closed my eyes at my impending doom and tried to consol myself that at least I'd still have Qui-Gon to talk to in the afterlife.
I was just about to demand a rerun of my life when... CRUNCH!!!

(???)

Oddly only the wind was knocked out of me. I seemed to have landed on something light and boxy.

I opened my eyes.
Well what do you know? I landed on some boxes. Some nicely wrapped, recently purchased boxes by the look of them. All with very expensive brand names attached to them and even more expensive price tags. ..uh oh...

Somehow I had managed to fall into a passing speeder. Not just anyone's speeder either.

"You are so going to pay me back if any of those clothes are damaged."

My eyes whipped over to the drivers seat. "Senator Amidala? You mean...I landed in your speeder?"

"uh...YA! As if you couldn't tell by the hot pink color and the fur lined seats?"

"Then...these boxes...they cushioned my fall?"

"They should have. I paid enough for the extra wrapping. They're not presents or anything. They're all like, for me, cos like, there was this huge sale at the Coruscant Clothing Outlet, but like, it was only good till midnight tonight so I thought, sure, I just got paid and all. And they had the cutest shoes there too. You would have just died. But like, since these are all sale items, they won't even take them back if they are damaged so if any one of these has so much as a scuff or a...stain...on them, you are so reimbursing me."

"Ya, ya. Sure, whatever. It's worth it. Don't you see? You...you just saved my life."

"Wow. I guess I did. Hooray for me! Wait till some of the other senators hear about this. I bet none of them ever saved someone's life before. They are going to be SO jealous. And I'm going to be like 'ha ha, guess who's cool now.' Say, you're Qui-Gon's little buddy aren't you?"

"Eh...I wouldn't have put it that way, senator Amidala..."

"Please, call me Padmé."

"Padme?"

"No, Padmé. So what were you doing falling out of the sky, anyway?"

"Holy crap! The ewok!"

"You were falling for an ewok?

"No. He's a Sith Lord."

"Ewwwww. Master Yoda said you we're a little creepy."

"No, this diabolic ewok Sith Lord suddenly jumped out of my...Yoda said what? Never mind. We got to get back to my apartment."

"As if! I got to get these clothes home before they wrinkle. I got a very important senatorial dinner function tomorrow and there's no way I'm going to send Sabé to sub for me. That backstabbing bitch.. .Besides, I also picked up this cute little black number I was going to surprise Anakin with but I got to first try it on to make sure that is makes me look all hot and stuff. Not like that thing I wore when we returned to Naboo with that big ol Aztec headdress thing. That was so wrong on so many levels. What was I thinking of?"

"But this...this..evil fluff monster almost killed me. In fact, I don't think he will stop until he kills me. And I don't even know why. He's got to be stopped and before he totally trashes my apartment and steals my...eh...videotapes."

"Look, I'll help you out. Just cos you're a friend of Qui-Gon's and all. And it'll look good on my resume. I'll just drop these off at the house, change into something a little more sporty and we'll go get some help."

"But who's going to help us. All the great Jedi's are still back on Tatooine with that Survivor game? Who's left?"

"I think I got just the person...."

A Door creeks open. A man in slept in robes stumbles out the door to the clatter of empty beer cans at his feet. A fine mist of Cheeto dust wisps out.

"BrrraaaacCCCHHHHH!!!!! oh, that was a big one."

...to be continued.

Chapter 2: A-Cute Pain

So there I was. Snug in bed, drifting away to slumberland and anticipating another night of dreaming about Aayl-…eh…never mind. I don’t remember my dreams.

Anyway, I was just about to doze off when I heard a strange scratching noise by the closet. That’s funny; I thought to myself, I thought I already put out the cat. Then I realized I didn’t have a cat. At least…not any more. (Thanks Jar Jar!)

Mice? Hardly likely. We’re on the 387^th floor of a building that’s made of steel. What are the little buggers going to eat?

Robomice? No. Too cliché.

Jehovah’s Witnesses? Now that was a strong possibility.

I emerged from my bed and carefully grabbed the tire iron I keep under the mattress. Some of those J.W.’s can be down right persistent.

Quietly, I stepped over to my closet.

The scratching stopped.

And in its place….HE busted out!!!

It was an Ewok. It was a Sith Lord. It was two evils in one. And then I remembered…this was once the cute little pet that Obi-Wan took in about a month ago (*see issues #25 and #26 of the Incredible Kanobinator –July 3^rd/July 6^th) who then mysteriously became evil and started to kill people at a dance hall then frame my pal Fluke (** as seen in issue #32 of Amazing Starbucker Tales -July 12^th )

“D-Dude? Is that you?”

“I no longer go by that name. I am now….Darth Wuv!!!!

He then lunged at me with his wicked lightsaber slicing my bed in half. Well, it was a bit too big for me anyway. I tried to reason with him.

“Why are you in my closet? What do you want? It’s Qui-Gon right? You’re looking for him right…?”

“No. It is you….I must kill.”

“Me?!? Look if it’s because I didn’t give you a full refund…well, I do that with everyone. Restocking fees and all…”

“You…are the one…who must die. So says the prophecy of Mad’da Ghast-Garr!!

“Whozzawhatza…?”

He then swung that damned lightsaber at me again. I raised the tire iron, and found it no match for the Sith’s weapon. He sheered it in half like butter.

“Hey! That cost 18 credits!!

He then lifted his hand and all the lava lamps in the room started to fly through the air, hitting me from all sides. Me and my stumpy tire iron were no match for the dizzying array of globular colored cones. Before I knew it, I had stepped away from the menacingly evil (but oddly kinda cute) Ewok Sith Lord, only to find myself backed up against the window.

“Now….you will die…”

With a mighty Force push, Darth Wuv tossed me right through the window. The last thing I remember hearing as I plummeted 387 stories down with shards of glass all around me was the maniacal snickering of that damned evil ewok.

Now I’ll never get him to pay for the damages to my apartment.

...To be continued.

Chapter 1: Windu Pain

It was late at night with the lights down low. The trilling sounds of speeders zooming by were but a faint hum. Qui-Gon’s wide array of lava lamps silently percolated in the restful gloom. It was a time to relax with a cup of spiced Tarsinian tea before bed. Once again I would have to make the early commute back to Tatooine so it was going to be an early night for me.

That was…until he dropped by…again.

Yup. It was Mace. I suppose I shouldn’t have encouraged him the first time. Ever since he got voted off early from Survivor, he's been coming over to the pad with alarming frequency. And in his hands, more videotapes of his favorite movies.
"Hey, you forgot? Tonight's movie night."
"No...I didn't actually forget..."
"You have GOT to watch this movie. You will cry like a baby. He then slipped in 'The Way We Were'. Come on, sit down. You'll love it. "
I might have liked it - might have, mind you, if I was ever given a chance to actually watch it. Every five minutes there he was nudging me in the ribs and pointing at the screen telling me what was happening...like I couldn't already see it.

"Man, that is just some beautiful s**t, there. The way those two are made for each other and all. Oh! Oh! Watch this! They see each other again and they both miss each other but it's just too late for them. They can never go back...to the way....they were." Sniff...sniff... "Man, you got a hanky around here somewhere?"
Yup. Can't wait for the rest of those Jedi's to come back from Tatooine and take little miss sensitive off my hands.
"You know, Robert Redford was a pretty man, wasn't he? I mean for someone with a head of hair, that is..."
"Oh darn! The movie's over. Well I guess it's time to say goodnight..."
"Oh but I also brought along Steele Magnolias and Beaches."
"Oooo, tempting... if I didn't already have my manhood ripped off by that first movie. You'll have to go home and watch it yourself. Sorry. Here, let me help you to the door..."
-slam!-
You know, if this place wasn't such a kicking pad, I would move far, far away just so he never finds me again. Maybe Qui-Gon can ward the place against him when he gets back.

Ahhh...now for sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. No Mace...no hassles...no chick flicks. Just me and my pillow and blissful sleep with no one else around to bug me.

...to be continued...?

New Fall Lineup

You know, I think Fluke might have been right.
He was trying to tell me a few weeks ago how the dark side is trying to build up their campaign. You know, place themselves in high profile places to influence the young and weak of mind into thinking dark is cool. Sure, they’ve been marketing heavily towards the rebellious youth crowd (I thought the rebels were good?) with their Sith skateboards, sneakers and stickers (try saying that five times fast), but I just thought they were just weeding out the stupid ones.

Now I come to watch a little T.V. and it looks like the empire is trying to reach out to a new demographic with this new show.

I fear dark times ahead…

My Favorite Yoda (A Tribute)

Wow! 100 posts. Who would have though someone so small would be so prolific? How does he find the time to tell us all that goes on with his life and still have a life? (I bet that stupid intern of his is the one with the bleeding fingers and bloodshot eyes typing away till the wee hours of the morning while the little Jedi Master is snug in bed dreaming of...eh, whatever little green Jedi Masters dream of?)

So what can I say about Yoda that hasn't been said before, (and usually by himself)? I've always liked Yoda since the first day I met him. He never talked down to me. Perhaps it's because we're both almost the same height. But what are some of the things you may not know about the Jedi Master. Well, he taught me everything I know about chess. (I’ve yet to win one game with him, though.) He can bluff his way through a game of poker like no one else (except for maybe Han). And he makes a mean Mynock Gumbo. (No, really. The Mynock he puts in the boiling water are MEAN! They nearly ripped my face off when I tried to taste it.)

He’s even thrown me some business my way like the time he wanted a Dolly Parton droid to….eh? Oh, was I not supposed to mention that? Sorry. Client/seller confidentiality.

I was going to have this post of my top five Yoda posts for a week now. So how do I come up with my five all time favorite posts of his? It wasn’t easy let me tell you. They are all great but I think I’ve narrowed it down to these:

#5

July 10, 2005

Q-Tips, Door-Greeters, and Vidal Sassoon

Mistaken for a “Seeing eye monkey”! Something about that image has me howling.

#4

June 07, 2005

Beefcake Extravaganza

When people started leaving comments that Obi-Wan was cute, Yoda felt he had to oblige with his public’s request.

#3

May 15, 2005

The Many Faces of Windu

I just couldn’t control myself from laughing as I scrolled down. I love that kind of humor. Priceless.

#2

June 03, 2005

Call Me Do Not, Call You I Will

Not only is it one of the most hilarious Yoda-speak problems ever thought of, it also holds a special place in my heart for being my first Yoda blog that I ever read.

And finally #1

July 07, 2005

Dooku: The Reckoning, Smackdown on Springer

The events that brought about the whole Dooku/Yoda feud were great, but this all out ending is still my favorite of all time. Truly a classic.

Honorable mentions would have to include

June 13, 2005

Like Spiders I Do NOT!

Just for the picture alone.

June 30, 2005

Guest Poster: Mace Windu [Topic: My Beautiful Shiny Head]

But would this be considered one of his? It matters not. Still hillarious it is.

And the whole missing ducky/potty board that stretched from July 18-22. All of which had me in stitches.

What will the next hundred posts bring? Who knows. But I’ll keep reading them.

(Maybe we’ll finally learn just what race he is?)

...now that I've sufficiently sucked up, can I borrow your hot speeder for the weekend, Master Yoda?

Them's Good Eating!

So, it looked like the Mabbitt Tribe got to have some good old home eats. Made me start thinking about some of the tasty vittles my family use to cook up when I was a kid.
Everyone had a favorite dish they liked to make. My da would always brake out the BBQ, stoke up the fire nice and big and make his famous Sweet and Spicy Ronto Ribs! It's an old family recipe but since he's dead, I'll tell you.
First you take a few of them big ol ten pounder riblits, rub them with a mixture of salt, paprika, charred womprat brains, garlic, sweet and sour Sarlacc Spittle (don't get the green kind in a can, try to get fresh), sage and lots of Uncle Kracky's © Super Spaztamoniastastic Red Pepper sauce. If it doesn't give you third degree burns the next morning (if you know what I mean), then you didn't put enough on. Next put the ribs on the fire and watch the grease drip. Ronto ribs are big so they may take a few hours to cook but that's okay. Do what we do around the J.J. household and just drink heavily until someone falls in the pit and catches fire.

Astrology ( Part 3 of 3 )

GRAN – the Three-Eyed Study Monkey
Sept. 2^nd – Sept. 25^th
(Mellow, Gas)
Keyword: Virgin

Extremely intelligent and insightful, these attributes never really seemed to help you from getting beat up after class. You seem to go through life as a watcher rather than a participant and are very embarrassed of the porn you hide under your bed. Most Gran types are socially retarded. You are attracted to llamas.

People like you because you’re an easy mark. You have a tendency to brag about your skills and seem to say, “Gosh!! What-ever!” a lot.

You have a great affinity for the force and would make a good Jedi. And seeing as you’re never going to ‘get any’, you might as well join up. As a kid, you were called three-eyes a lot. With difficult aspects you may work in fast food for the rest of your life.

GAMORREAN – the Galactic Redneck
Sept. 26^th – Oct. 19^th
(Indecisive, Bonfire)
Keyword: Dense

Refined, dignified and cultured don’t describe you at all. In fact you are so far opposite of those characteristics you could be your own system. Your idea of culture is to have pink fambaa’s on your lawn. You love all things rusted and broken and may have a large collection of dilapidated speeders in you back yard that you keep telling people one day you’ll fix up. You love to drink a lot and shoot things. You don’t follow the news too closely and as a result tend to screw things up with your votes. You make a good security guard but you tend to be so thick even a squirrel can pull one over on you.

People tend to pity you behind your back. You tend to plug up the toilet a lot. You may have many cousins who are also husbands or wives. Your children tend to have six toes. You are prone to uncontrollable drooling.

With difficult aspects you may have an unnatural attraction towards wrestling and Cheetos.

DIANOGA – the Slob
Oct. 20^th – Nov. 13^th
(Spastic, Pond-Scum)
Keyword: Smelly

Your home is always in a constant state of clutter. You can’t bear to get rid of anything. This unfortunately includes all your bowel movements since the age of two. To say you are preoccupied with your bowels is an understatement. You tend to attract flies.

As a kid, you were plagued with oily skin and acne. Hate to break it to you but that ain’t ever going to change. You are deathly afraid of salt.

You enjoy the finer things in life and keep them hidden under a big pile of garbage where no one can look at it. You love the feel of ice cream melting on your toes.

With difficult aspects, you tend to be sneaky and underhanded. Your breath tends to smell like fish. You could be a plumber or a politician.

WOOKIE – the Carpet Monster
Nov. 14^th – Dec. 7^th
(Mellow, Rock)
Keyword: Laid Back

You are easy going and have a relaxed nature (unless you lose at games, then you just go ape-sh*t.). You tend to attract members of the opposite sex very easily. Unfortunately, you also attract members of the opposite spices. If you are a woman you may have a “hair” problem and have to shave your legs four times a day. If you are a man you may be mistaken for a Chia pet.

You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack any real talent. With difficult aspects you may think you are always right. Even when you’re wrong you can usually delude yourself into thinking you are right. You also tend to think that anything that goes wrong is someone else fault. Stay away from machinery or anything more complicated than a tooth pick.

You tend to be scruffy looking and may have a tick problem. You must learn to guard yourself from lemurs.

BANTHA – the Hopeless
Dec. 8^th – Dec. 31^st
(Indecisive, Ether)
Keyword: Depressed

This is a perfect sign for those just waiting to die. Your life has been one long disappointment. Don’t think it’s going to get any better, either. Droids look positively alive next to you.

People laugh at you a great deal because you’re always getting screwed. There has never been a Bantha type of any great significance. Do us all a favor; try not to impose your feelings of doom and gloom on the rest of us. Stay at home.

(This description too short for you? Well...screwed again.)

And there you have it. All of life's answers right at your fingertips. Don't say I didn't warn ya. So...What type are you?

Astrology (part 2 of 3)

TAUNTAUN –the Worker
May 3^rd – May 26^th
(Indecisive, Gas)
Keyword: Indentured Servant

Loyal, complacent, and hard working, you set an example for all those slackers who, after seeing you, know they’re on the right path. Chances are you will work your whole life without getting ahead. You’ll probably work till you die and even then someone will make a nice shelter out of your rotting carcass. You tend to live in remote places that most people, including you, can’t stand but live there none-the-less because the rent is cheep and so are you.

You enjoy driving fast speeders and may have a future in pod racing if you weren’t tied down 24-7 working for the man. You tend to go through periods of depression, but you shouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s nothing that a few bottles of “Jack” can’t fix. Your favorite pet is a comb over.

You probably come from a large family and had to fight for every last scrap of food you found. If afflicted, you may smell bad on the inside as well as the outside. Tauntaun personalities make great spice miners and delivery drivers.

TWI’LEK TWINS – the Looker
May 27^th – June 20^th
(Spastic, Bonfire)
Keyword: Party Hardy

Twi’lek Twin personalities are graced with beauty and charm. Unfortunately they have the attention span of a fly and the intelligence of some sedentary rocks. You only understand one syllable words.

You love to throw parties especially at other people’s homes where you don’t have to clean up vomit the next morning. You dance well and probably have a nice singing voice, which is all well and fine because your talking voice is so shrill and annoying you could kill a lemur. You can easily become too obsessed with your skincare and spend hours just moisturizing your earlobes.

You feel slighted if you are not the center of attention and tend to be vindictive. This is a great sign for Sith Lords as most Twi’lek Twin types have no conscience whatsoever.

You will most likely wake up and not know where you are many times in your life. Get use to it. If you are a male with this sign you are most likely gay.

Good career opportunities include trophy dates and line dancers.

KAMINOAIN – the Androgynous
June 21^st – July 14^th
(Mellow, Pond-Scum)
Keyword: Confused

Intelligent and always topical, you tend to think most people are beneath you. You even may harbor a great disdain for those who don’t share your point of view. People think you're a priss. You tend to kiss the mirror a lot. Your favorite pet would be a clone of yourself. If badly aspected, you may have a tendency to wear top hats.

You sometimes come off cold and unemotional. You often fall asleep while making love. Growing up you tended to be confused about who you were. Your favorite roll models tended to be amebas. You may be doomed to make many guest appearances on the Love Boat throughout your life.

Soft spoken and well mannered, you take joy in place settings, small colorful pieces of plastic, and chick flicks. People like you because you are bisexual.

If you become a Jedi, your lightsaber will most likely be purple. Kaminoain types make great game show hosts.

SARLACC- the Self-Pitty Pit
July 15^th – Aug. 7^th
(Indecisive, Rock)
Keyword: Lazy

Sarlacc personalities tend to live in one place their entire lives. You fear change and are unable to adapt to new situations. You are a homebody, and your home is usually your body. You should avoid standing still for long periods of time as you tend to attract pigeons. Sarlacc personalities love people dropping in unannounced. People tend to think you have a big mouth.

Most of the time you are not fussy. You will eat anything placed in front of you, listen to any music that’s playing on the radio, or watch anything on the T.V. so long as you don’t have to get up. Your favorite sexual position is a log. You are constantly losing your keys.

You tend to have digestion problems and fear to be too far from a bathroom. You sometimes expect too much for too little. People think you’re cheep. You tend to wake up screaming in your sleep for no apparent reason. You usually have a green thumb and tend to keep it in a small box next to your bed.

There are many similarities between Hutt personalities and Sarlacc personalities. The difference is Sarlacc people tend to be too stupid to figure them out.

This aspect generally favors accountants and moisture farmers.

EWOK – the Despised Cuteness
Aug. 8^th – Sept. 1^st
(Spastic, Ether)
Keyword: Afflicted

Ewok people tend to think they are cute and cuddly and everyone in the world loves them. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact most people despise your phony, perky nature and forced giggling, you just don’t know it. You’re not fooling anyone: cute kills. Perky and optimistic, it takes a swift jab through the gut to make you see the error of your ways.

You tend to bounce around through life oblivious to other people’s suffering. Denial is your middle name. You probably come from a big happy family that made cookies and hot chocolate and sang around the fire. When in actuality, your father was a mean drunk, your mother had numerous affairs and your siblings got knocked up and stole speeders for a living but you were too busy being happy to notice. If someone with a hang over sees you, they will kill you.

Some races in the outer rim will stone you, thinking you are a Sith Lord or at best, Barney. You are way too interested in other people’s feet. If badly aspected, you may love to wear lederhosen.

Ewok personalities make great theme park mascots and shark bait.