Friday, December 02, 2005

Make Room for Dooku

Everything was working perfectly. Jar Jar came over reeking of Old Spice and aged polyester and instantly started making the moves on Rhonda.

I made some drinks and put on some music and watched the ol Gungan charm melt over her.
After a few drinks, I was waiting for that said charm to appear any ol minute.

After a few bottles I was beginning to get worried. It seemed all they did was play Ms. AT-AT in the game room. This was getting depressing. How was I going to get these two to commit adultery before my eyes?

Then the doorbell rang. Dominos? I don’t think so.
I stumbled over to the door and low and behold there was Count Dooku wrapped in a fine overcoat and carrying luggage.

“Ah, there you are my good Jawa. Would you be so kind as to take these for me and place them in my new accommodations while I make some tea? It’s awfully nippy out there tonight.”

Dooku? Oh that’s right. I lost in a high stakes poker game with Palps and this was my…eh…losses. So to speak.

Great. Just what I don’t need. Now I got two unwanted guests in my home. Before I could say another word, the ol Count tossed his top hat on the sofa and stepped into the living room. He surveyed the surroundings and I saw a scoul appear on his crusty old face.

“Dear me, I am slumming is these days, aren’t I? Oh well. I hear you have a Jacuzzi so I suppose it won’t be all that bad.” He then stopped and turned to me. “J.J.! Haven’t you taken my bags to my room yet? And where’s that tea? Don’t you have a servant?”

Just then, Jar Jar came down the spiral stairs. “Ah, that must be him now.” He smacked his hands together and his nose got all pinched up. “You there Gungan. Fix me some tea.”

Jar Jar looked at Dooku kinda perplexed for a moment then shrugged his shoulders. “Okie-dokie messa Dooku. Messa fixa special tea for you.” Jar Jar then stepped into the kitchen.

Just then Rhonda stepped down. “lil’ J.J. honey, I think I need a new fingernail scrubber. I hear there’s a diamond encrusted one for only 35 thousand credits. Do you mind if I get it tomorrow…oh. I didn’t know you had com-”

“Rhonda? Is that you?” Said Dooku. “Why it is you. I didn’t know you were working in this system. It’s been a long time. So who’s your mark this time.”

She froze in her tracks.

Dooku’s eyes slid from the Ithorian to myself then back. “Oh dear…eh…this is your wife J.J.?”

“Yeah….I think so. Mark, eh? Well that makes more sense. You’re bleeding me dry aint cha, Rhonda?”

“AARRRGGGGG!! Dooku you moron!!! Couldn’t you wait to open your high-falutin’ mouth until I got some more expensive crap from him?”

“Oh dearie….eh…I think I’ll retire early tonight.”

“Doesn’t matter. I still have all the gifts and stuff you gave me,” she stormed over me. “You can’t take those away now.”

“Ya think, toots? I’m a Jawa, like my father before me.”

“I thought you said your father was a lemur.”

“Whatever. We Jawa’s are known for our iron clad contracts on gift returns. I’m in the commerce business. I have contacts with every vender you bought from. I’m sure everything can be returned nice and easy tomorrow. Don’t you worry your double mouths over it. Now….who set you up to this?”

Rhonda started sweating bullets. No, real bullets. 45 caliber. Weirdest thing I ever did see. Just then, Jar Jar came back in the room with a cup of tea that for some reason was smoking in Technicolor and smelling of Fruit Loops. “Heresa yousa nice drink, Dooku. Messa made it special for you. Muy muy tasty.”

“I ….I….” Rhonda stammered. “I need a drink.” She suddenly snatched up the steaming cup and downed the boiling liquid.

Rhonda froze where she stood. Her skin color turned from gray to green to bright red. Bullet shells were falling on the ground like a fountain. He mouths opened up wide and a hideous scream came out in stereo. She started flapping around the room like a rancor with its head cut off before racing to the Jacuzzi to plunge her head inside. Huge gouts of steam billowed forth.

“Oh dear. I guess I won’t be going in there anytime soon.”

When I stepped outside onto the patio…she was gone. Whether she decided to take that moment to escape or she simply…evaporated I guess I’ll never know. Oh well. At least she’s gone. Tomorrow I’ll return all that stuff I bought for her and everything will be okay.

I retuned back into the living room to see Jar Jar hand Dooku another cup of that steaming stuff. He took a sip. “Oh my yes, Jar Jar. Very nice indeed. Although it could use a little more chili sauce for my liking.” For some reason, Jar Jar looked a little disappointed.

I patted the Gungan on the back of the knee. “That’s alright, Jar Jar. At least we got rid of the ol ball and chain…. thanks to the Dookster here. Ya know. Maybe it won’t be so bad having you around after all."