Thursday, June 15, 2006

Postcards from the Edge

Greetings and Salutations.

It came to me as I was receiving my daily rub down and eye polishing treatment that it was a year ago today that I first put my little fingers to blogging my exploits. Where has the time gone?

This picture of Qui and myself was taken the other day. I know. Qui had his eyes shut. He always blinks in front of a camera.

I would like to tell everyone out there that I’m doing fine and I miss all of you very much. But alas, this was something I needed to do. My brain was getting crunchy. My nerves a bit vamwoozally. And my bowels…well. I won’t go there. Suffice to say it wasn’t pretty. Qui and I are doing well. This cruise is wonderful and just what I needed for this time in my life. I’m even able to return to the book I’ve been writing all these years. Who knows, maybe I’ll finish it finally. And yes, the rumors are true, it is doubtful I will be returning (or at least any time soon). Know that I have enjoyed every moment of interaction with all of you out there. You guys are a swell bunch of people. (um…except for maybe Mace…his insisting we go to cucumber facials and crying therapy all the time kinda creeps me out.)

It has been golden age, looking at this past year. One that I doubt will ever be duplicated anytime soon, if ever. And I will always be glad I was a part of it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to put a fresh dusting of sand down my shorts.

Have a brownie on us.

…or two or five.


Friday, May 19, 2006


…set an open course for the virgin sea…

It all started when I was in my office cleaning my blaster. Qui-gon stepped inside and saw me and suddenly freaked out.


Then using the force, he knocked the gun out of my hand. I looked up at him with a mixture of confusion and irritation. “Hey, I was..”

“I know man. But it’s not worth it. You still have plenty of life in you yet. I know you’ve been under a strain lately but you can’t shoot yourself.”
”Wha-? Shoot myself? No I…”

“It’s not that I wouldn’t mind the company in the Æther, man, but it’s just not your time. Besides…I really don’t want to clean up the mess. You ever clean up jawa brains? Man, that stuff is worse than cleaning pudding.”

“Um….ya done?”

Qui-gon thought about it for a moment. Looked at my jar of metal polish and opened it up, draining the liquid onto the rug. “uh…..yeah. I think so.”

“Okay, first off, I was just cleaning my old blaster. I had nothing better to do this afternoon. The brownie business is running so smooth; I hardly have to do anything anymore.”

“Really? Gee, you look pretty tired of late, man.”

“I could say the same for you too, my friend. But yes, I feel tired. Sort of all thin and stretched, if you know what I mean; like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. I feel I need a holiday, a very long holiday. I’ve lived all my life on a desert planet and now I want to see oceans. Oceans, Qui-Gon. Oceans! I think it’s time I took a long cruise. I’ve been looking into an ocean liner that does such things for months at a time. …I’ve booked myself on one.”

“Oh….wow…um….well…I hope you have a nice time, man. I hope it helps you. Really.”

I smiled up at Qui-Gon. “I have a second ticket…if you want it?”

Qui-Gon looked at the ticket then looked at the spilled metal polish. “Maybe it will help me with my…um…. ‘problem’.”

“It may just do that. Not to mention they have all you can eat Funyuns on board.”

That brightened him up.

So after a hasty few days of packing and setting things straight here at home, we took a transport to the planet Tropic-0 where gigantic cruise ships do nothing but sail around in the balmy ocean. Our cabins were huge and had balconies that overlooked the sea. There was food a-plenty of every imaginable cuisine (I could even get my spicy BBQ ronto intestines). They had live music at night and even a floating casino. They had everything! After a few days I began to truly relax for the first time in years.

Qui-Gon himself began to relax too. He hardly ever opened up jars of stuff anymore. He was back to his old ethereal self.

One afternoon as we reclined in our deck chairs watching the sun fall into the sea, Qui-Gon turned to me and said, “Sunsets are like life, man.”

I looked over to see he was gobbing a brownie and waited for the bizarre explanation. But this time he surprised me.

“Sunsets are like life because they are so beautiful and no two are exactly the same. But they are so fleeting, man. You really only have a few moments to really enjoy their beauty before they slip away, you know? And so many people don’t even step outside and watch a sunset…not even their sunset. They’re too involved in other things that they just miss them. I don’t think there’s any thing sadder than seeing someone who’s missed their own sunset. I mean, it’s yours, man. How can someone be so distracted with other things and not fully enjoy their sunset?”

I thought about it. “Yeah, I think I know what you mean, old friend.”

I offered Qui-Gon one of my special cigars and for a wonder, he tried it. He then offered me a brownie and I ate it. We then looked out over the golden ocean and watched the sun drip into the sea.

I was glad to share this sunset with Qui.

Lay down…your sweet and weary head…
Night is falling. You’ve come to journey’s end.
Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before…
They are calling…from across a distant shore…

Why do you weep? What are these tear upon your face?
Soon you will see all of your fears will pass away
…safe in my arms.
You’re only sleeping.

What can you see…
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea…
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home.

…and all will turn to silver glass A light on the water…
…into the west.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Just a random thought...

Arrrgg! Once again, stuck in rush hour traffic coming home from Tatooine.

Hmmm… It’s been ages since I’ve heard from the F.O.O.F. boys. I wonder how they are holding up in Fluke’s absence.


Monday, May 08, 2006

The J.A.W.A. Convention: Day 3

Finally, the last day of the convention. Not that the other stuff wasn’t all shits and giggles but come on. I’m really only here to get my award. The coveted...prized…golden…Jawa Award! (also known as the Shemp for some reason)

Hmmm…I think they’re making it with lead this year. Of course we had to sit through a long seminar with supposedly important jawas making speeches on how much we’ve contributed to the galaxy and what a credit our race is. Oh jeez, please! Everyone knows jawas are looked upon by almost everyone as just one step up from the common cockroach and three steps up from Snivians.

So, I had to sit through speech after speech with just some watered down drinks to keep me satisfied until they handed out the award. Qui Gon sat beside me the entire time which got a lot of odd looks since most only saw a hovering poncho. But I could see he was drifting off to sleep too.

Finally, the awards ceremony was announced but not before some entertainment…

Man, they were bad! What are we doing with an Earth band at a J.A.W.A. convention anyway?

Finally the chairman of J.A.W.A. came up to announce the three finalists.

“Today we come to honor three very important jawas. Jawas who have made a difference in the galaxy and thus deserve special recognition. The first of the three is L’ookeebee, whose research in advanced sleeping techniques directly in the hot sun has allowed major breakthroughs in slacking.”

“Next we have N’ooo’bb, an eccentric inventor from the Dune Sea and creator of the giant Space Nipple.”

“And thirdly, a jawa who wishes to only be known as J.J. whose remarkable skills in the marketing of yummy fudgy chocolaty spiced brownies has brought the galaxy much joy in a time of unrest.”

“And the winner is……” I got up. “N’ooo’bb, for his giant Space Nipple.” I sat down.

Man, I was robbed. I give the galaxy spiced brownies and I don’t even win a Shemp? That blows! I slump down in my chair as this Noob guy walks up and get his award. Whatever.

“Ain’t it time for us to be leaving yet?” I asked lighting a cigar and folding my arms.

“Uh yeah, we can go now, J.J.” said Qui Gon. “Besides…you got to go back and count all those millions of credits you’re making from your business.”

I smiled up at him. He always knew the right thing to say.

I guess it wasn’t a total loss. It was nice seeing everyone again. I came out of the casino’s ahead, Qui bought some rare plants for his garden and as runner up I got this cool autographed picture of Queen Galacta.

Monday, May 01, 2006

The J.A.W.A. Convention: Day 2

This is the day of the convention I think I might enjoy the most. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to win my award tomorrow but I’ll have to sit through the seminar first. Almost a whole day of jawa’s talking and patting each other on the back. They just need to pat me on the back and get done with it.

But today was the day when all the new jawa-made gadgets got rolled out for all to see. It was a regular what’s new in the field of transports and droids. Unfortunately the main convention room was still being cleaned up from last nights festivities so they had to show the stuff outside in the parking lot. Oh well.

The place was packed and everyone clamored to get a glimpse of the new crap.

When it came to droids, there was this nifty bird droid. It always stayed on its perch and it never pooped. It could also sing in 3000 different bird song.

But on closer inspection I saw that the bird itself was stuffed and nailed to the perch. The jawa hawking it said it had to be nailed or else it would take off…voom! I had my doubts.

One of the more interesting droids I saw was this TOK-32 Tauntaun belly scratching droid. Man, that tauntaun looks like he’s in haven.

Next were the new vehicles of tomorrow. Like this compact sandcrawler. Jeez, these things are getting smaller each year.

Or this dog-cycle-thingy that actually walks itself.

Some of the gadgets made even less sense. Like this cell phone for Rancors. I mean, come on? Who do Rancors have to call anyway? Room service? They get their food brought to em.

And this giant space nipple….um….I’m not even going to speculate what it’s for. (or why so many earth people hovered around it . ...Earthmen are kinda creepy anyway... )

But all in all it was a very interesting day. Hell, even the local officials handed out free goodies to the kids at the end.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

J.A.W.A. Convention: Day 1

Ahh…Tatooine. Bright sun, burning air and miles of sand to get into those hard to reach places.

It’s been a while, but I thought it was time to drop in on the annual J.A.W.A. (Junk-dealing Associates With Ambition) convention. Especially since this year I’m one of three jawa’s up for their famed Jawa of the Year award. A very prestigious award, I might add. And although they don’t provide transportation (which is okay, I’ve racked up a lot of frequent flyer miles with Jawa Express), they do set everyone up at the beautiful Watto’s Dune Sea Desert Oasis & Casino.

I asked Qui Gon if he thought he could take a break from his busy schedule of opening jars of food, cans of beer, bottles of milk, boxes of cat litter, drawers of clothes, bags of mulch and come along with me. Thankfully, he released a heavy sigh and said yes. I really wanted to show him around at what I used to do and he seemed genuinely interested. Of course the Olympic size pool and huge gambling casino didn’t hurt in his decision either, I think.

The whole convention was to take place at Watto’s for an extended three day weekend. Day one was just for arrival, unpacking and mingling. Time to say hello and maybe make a few deals. Man, the place was packed!

At first Qui was a little freaked out by how crowded it was and so I let him wander off for a while. At first, he stopped in the casino, opening slot machines as he walked by…much to the gratitude of the people playing them as they franticly followed him, scooping up credits. That is until the casino owners asked him to leave. I don’t think he even realized what he was doing. He did, however, find the hotels huge indoor tropical arboretum and seemed genuinely happy to sit by the man made waterfall surrounded by leafy things and fluttering birds. I haven’t seen him that relaxed in a while.

So I decided to make the most of it and mingle with my other jawas. I even saw a few old chums. One of the biggest surprises was seeing my old Sandcrawler driver and right hand jawa, Je’bubb. Man, has he let himself go.

It seems he too quit the droid repo life like me and decided for a more sedentary job as a speed bump on the corner of 5th and Lux’on.

“The pay is okay,” he told me as we stood pool side. “And I can set my own hours, but it still can be a dangerous job. Especially if you have to work a busy street. Now take Ko’lux…you remember him, don’t you?”


“Well, he too got a job as a speed bump not too long ago…but on the busiest street in Mos Eisley. Now look at him…” He showed me a picture.

Jawa road kill. You just hate to see that.

As the sun went down, we all herded into the dinning area to feast. And what a feast it was. The chairmen of J.A.W.A. didn’t spare any expense.

Afterwards, we were also given tickets to the resorts big fight being hosted that evening. It’s been ages since I saw a good fight at a ritzy hotel and this one looked especially good. Rocko the Rancor vs. Killer Kratt.

Eh….the rancor won.

Tomorrow, the convention will focus on new machines and droids and the latest junk to come out or be stolen. While the last day will focus on the J.A.W.A. seminar itself where, at the conclusion, the award of Jawa of the Year will be handed out. I wonder who the other two finalists are and what they’ve done?

Monday, April 24, 2006

Promos, Letters and Drunk Squirrels

Well, I’m home again. And not a moment too soon. Sure it was fun wielding my new lightsaber all around against crazed primates and my unhinged uncle, but I think it’s time to get back to normal.

I came home to find my I-SUC droid still not talking to me. For some reason he blames me for his new legs catching on fire, but that’s nuts. I was trying to put out the fire. You would think he really wanted to shut down permanently.

The first thing I wanted to do was jump in our hot tub and have a nice long soak. So I got out of my robes, walked out onto the balcony and what do I find…?

“Yeah man, Yado like went on a binge drinking MGE,” Qui Gon said as he drifted up behind me.


“Miller Genuine Ether beer. It’s like…the only beer available in the ether man. It’s always warm too. Kinda sucks.”

“Why did he…?”

“I don’t know man. After you left he just kinda got a little depressed or something. Don’t know. Oh…but I’m glad you’re back. Take a look at this.”

Qui floated through the walls back inside. I quickly followed through the door. He stopped in the kitchen and took a jar of pickled pig’s feet and opened it, dumping out the pink jellied contents in the sink. “Um….I’ve seen you do that before, Qui ol buddy.” I told him none too impressed.

“What?” He looked down in the sink. “Oh…um…no that wasn’t it. Um…no, the new Uncle Jinn & J.J. tee shirts have arrived, man. Take a look at them.”

“I got to admit, they are pretty snazzy. You did a great job designing them, QG.”

“Oh, wow, I’m sorry. I’m going off on all this and I haven’t even asked how your mission went.” He said concerned as he opened a can of pickled herring to accompany the pig’s feet. Where did we get this strange food, anyway?

“It all worked out in the end. Let’s just say my uncle won’t be bothering us until sweeps week rolls around again. Anything else new happen here while I was gone?”

“No, it’s been pretty quiet, man. Except for Yado’s snoring. Oh….wait…you also got more mail from J.A.W.A., man.”

J.A.W.A.: Junk-dealing Associates With Ambition…or at least that’s what it stands for now. I swear I think they change that acronym every month. I use to belong to them when they were just Juiced-up Ass-holes With Attitudes. Ahh…they’ve come a long way.

“What do they want man?”

”Probably want me to contribute to their annual fund raiser.” I open up the letter half heartedly and read the contents. “Holy Smokes!! They want me to come to Tatooine this weekend at their annual J.A.W.A. convention. It seems I’m a candidate for their most successful Jawa of the year award!”

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

(okay...I'm gonna take a nap now. I'll be back in one week...)

Monday, April 10, 2006

99 Bottles of Beer Posts on the Wall

Well, here I am. Flying off across the system to face my deranged Uncle E’etooi and his two militant primates of doom on the planet Muggmur. Just me, a tiny business jawa and my new lightsaber against the forces of evil. How do I get myself in these situations?

Life has certainly gotten more complex since I left Tatooine lo these many months ago. Flying across the galaxy certainly has given me time to reflect on it.

My life is so different now than it was growing up. I was one of eight jawas in a trailer park just south of the dune sea. My da was always working the droid repo circuit leaving my mom to take care of us back home. Of course we had an extended family staying with us too which meant us kids were sleeping in shoe boxes in the closet. But for the most part we were okay, (despite living next door to a family of Hutts). Uncle Noob was always nice to me and Great grandfather Oop’shaw taught me how to smoke my first cigar. Even Crazy Uncle E’etooi and his mentally incompetent wife, Krip’ooi, weren’t so bad back then.

As the years rolled on, I took over my father’s Droid repo business. That wasn’t so bad, although I did have to work with a bunch of losers who only wanted to use the sandcrawler for monster-crawler pulls.

It wasn’t until I got arrested selling illegal Susan Powter laserdiscs that I decided I had had enough of this dustball. I needed to leave and see the world. Ironically, it was Uncle E’etooi in one of his saner moments that bailed me out of jail and sent me off to Coruscant to manage some property once owned by a Jedi Knight. Who knew that move was going to change my life so much. Once there, I met all sorts of new people. Master Yoda, Master Windu, the beautiful blue Aayla, Fluke, Obi-Wan. The list was endless. I had come home. My new home.

I had to make a living so I started off pimping up other people’s speeders. Some with good

results…some not so good.

But the best thing by far that happened to me was the unexpected friendship of my penthouse apartment’s former tenant…the now force-ghost Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui and I hit it off right off the bat. He was the perfect relaxed counterpart to my “too much business” side of me. At first, I was the only one who could see him, but soon enough others like his

old padwan began to discover him…with mixed results.

With Qui and I, it wasn’t long until we hit upon our calling…making ‘special spiced’ brownies!

Of course our new job didn’t stop us from enjoying the finer things in life…like our love for music and our extensive record collection.

After a while I began to branch out with other hobbies, like my armature horoscopes.

Not to mention making money through my hosting the reality game show Survivor:Tatooine as well as being a participant in Big Brother: Naboo. Of the two, I’ll take hosting any day. Playing in those games can be a…um….pain in the ass.

But it was the brownie business that really started to take off. Big enough that I was starting to challenge the other big snack boys.

Then there was the time I had th

e Friends of ol Fluke (F.O.O.F.) remodel our apartment. –um…note to all those out there that may want their place refurbished in the near future… Don’t use college student, D&D gaming, still live with their mom, fanatical Fluke stalking dorks to redo your home. Trust me; you just won’t like the results. Even worse, while Frick and Frack played havoc with our walls, Qui and I were forced to bunk with Obi-Wan at the temple. Ohh….the horrors.

Still, it couldn’t compare with the time I got so stinking drunk I wound up marrying an Ithorian named Rhonda. Only to discover weeks later that it was all a scam for her to take my fortune away. Thanks to Dooku, who recognized her and sent her packing.

Of course I almost lost our brownie empire when Qui-Gon and Dooku got set up for possession of spice without a permit (Thanks again to my shrewish ex-wife). So in order to regain our brownie making privileges we had to work in a brownie shop in the mall for seven hellish days.

Still, of all the escapades and adventures I have had since coming to Coruscant, none has yet to compare to the time I had to battle the sith ewok Darth Wuv and his master, Darth Lemur.

That was an epic for the books. With the help of Obi-Wan, Padmé, and Anakin, we traveled the space ways to defeat the hordes of stormlemurs from taking over the galaxy. Not to mention meeting Yado the Nuteye Knight squirrel who began my teachings down the path to THE FUR! Yes. It was a grand time.

Hmm… thinking back on all that has happened to me, I guess I’m amazed so much has happened in so little time.

But through the bad times and the good, one thing is for sure, I couldn’t have done it without my friends, both old and new. And although some have drifted away while new ones have come into the foreground, I have happy to call all of them my friends.

Which makes this little mission all the more ironic. This one…my confrontation with Uncle E’etooi…I have to do on my own. Just an ol jawa from the trailer parks of Tatooine gone to meet his destiny with his insane uncle.

I hope this doesn’t take long. I don’t want to miss Coruscant Idol.