Friday, December 02, 2005

Make Room for Dooku

Everything was working perfectly. Jar Jar came over reeking of Old Spice and aged polyester and instantly started making the moves on Rhonda.

I made some drinks and put on some music and watched the ol Gungan charm melt over her.
After a few drinks, I was waiting for that said charm to appear any ol minute.

After a few bottles I was beginning to get worried. It seemed all they did was play Ms. AT-AT in the game room. This was getting depressing. How was I going to get these two to commit adultery before my eyes?

Then the doorbell rang. Dominos? I don’t think so.
I stumbled over to the door and low and behold there was Count Dooku wrapped in a fine overcoat and carrying luggage.

“Ah, there you are my good Jawa. Would you be so kind as to take these for me and place them in my new accommodations while I make some tea? It’s awfully nippy out there tonight.”

Dooku? Oh that’s right. I lost in a high stakes poker game with Palps and this was my…eh…losses. So to speak.

Great. Just what I don’t need. Now I got two unwanted guests in my home. Before I could say another word, the ol Count tossed his top hat on the sofa and stepped into the living room. He surveyed the surroundings and I saw a scoul appear on his crusty old face.

“Dear me, I am slumming is these days, aren’t I? Oh well. I hear you have a Jacuzzi so I suppose it won’t be all that bad.” He then stopped and turned to me. “J.J.! Haven’t you taken my bags to my room yet? And where’s that tea? Don’t you have a servant?”

Just then, Jar Jar came down the spiral stairs. “Ah, that must be him now.” He smacked his hands together and his nose got all pinched up. “You there Gungan. Fix me some tea.”

Jar Jar looked at Dooku kinda perplexed for a moment then shrugged his shoulders. “Okie-dokie messa Dooku. Messa fixa special tea for you.” Jar Jar then stepped into the kitchen.

Just then Rhonda stepped down. “lil’ J.J. honey, I think I need a new fingernail scrubber. I hear there’s a diamond encrusted one for only 35 thousand credits. Do you mind if I get it tomorrow…oh. I didn’t know you had com-”

“Rhonda? Is that you?” Said Dooku. “Why it is you. I didn’t know you were working in this system. It’s been a long time. So who’s your mark this time.”

She froze in her tracks.

Dooku’s eyes slid from the Ithorian to myself then back. “Oh dear…eh…this is your wife J.J.?”

“Yeah….I think so. Mark, eh? Well that makes more sense. You’re bleeding me dry aint cha, Rhonda?”

“AARRRGGGGG!! Dooku you moron!!! Couldn’t you wait to open your high-falutin’ mouth until I got some more expensive crap from him?”

“Oh dearie….eh…I think I’ll retire early tonight.”

“Doesn’t matter. I still have all the gifts and stuff you gave me,” she stormed over me. “You can’t take those away now.”

“Ya think, toots? I’m a Jawa, like my father before me.”

“I thought you said your father was a lemur.”

“Whatever. We Jawa’s are known for our iron clad contracts on gift returns. I’m in the commerce business. I have contacts with every vender you bought from. I’m sure everything can be returned nice and easy tomorrow. Don’t you worry your double mouths over it. Now….who set you up to this?”

Rhonda started sweating bullets. No, real bullets. 45 caliber. Weirdest thing I ever did see. Just then, Jar Jar came back in the room with a cup of tea that for some reason was smoking in Technicolor and smelling of Fruit Loops. “Heresa yousa nice drink, Dooku. Messa made it special for you. Muy muy tasty.”

“I ….I….” Rhonda stammered. “I need a drink.” She suddenly snatched up the steaming cup and downed the boiling liquid.

Rhonda froze where she stood. Her skin color turned from gray to green to bright red. Bullet shells were falling on the ground like a fountain. He mouths opened up wide and a hideous scream came out in stereo. She started flapping around the room like a rancor with its head cut off before racing to the Jacuzzi to plunge her head inside. Huge gouts of steam billowed forth.

“Oh dear. I guess I won’t be going in there anytime soon.”

When I stepped outside onto the patio…she was gone. Whether she decided to take that moment to escape or she simply…evaporated I guess I’ll never know. Oh well. At least she’s gone. Tomorrow I’ll return all that stuff I bought for her and everything will be okay.

I retuned back into the living room to see Jar Jar hand Dooku another cup of that steaming stuff. He took a sip. “Oh my yes, Jar Jar. Very nice indeed. Although it could use a little more chili sauce for my liking.” For some reason, Jar Jar looked a little disappointed.

I patted the Gungan on the back of the knee. “That’s alright, Jar Jar. At least we got rid of the ol ball and chain…. thanks to the Dookster here. Ya know. Maybe it won’t be so bad having you around after all."

Monday, November 28, 2005

Plan B

Okay, this is beginning to suck big time. Rhonda, the Ithorian,…my wife is everywhere I turn and I can’t seem to get away from her. She’s starting to redecorate the whole apartment now. Something has to be done. Drastic measures must be taken.

But how do I annul our marriage? If only she found someone more suiting to her and had an affair. Someone to sweep her off her feet and ride the railway of romance. Someone just a weird as her and not just a little bit…how should I say it…dense. Hmmmmmmm….

An idea formed in my mind. I made a quick call.

“Look, I’ll pay you. … Yeah, that’s right. With real credits. Just come over in your most dashing outfit and make some moves on her. She’s just bound to fall for you. And once she does, I can claim adultery and get a divorce. … What do you mean? Of course you’ll have to sleep with her. Come on, you’ve done weirder things than that. Just come by after eight. …Okay, thanks.”

It was all set. I made sure we hung out at the house until after eight and waited for her potential suitor.

Just as she was suggesting going to be early, the doorbell rang. I raced over to the door. “Gee, I wonder who that could be?” I opened the door and…..

“Hellosa Missa J.J. I just thought…oooo Whosa is this beauty?”

Monday, November 21, 2005

No Way Out

I just don’t know what to do now. I’m married to an Ithorian and it’s all nice and legal. Maybe if I hadn’t …consummated the marriage I could have found a loop hole out of it. But no, that would be too easy.

So now I have a wife sharing my living space with me and Qui. And she’s changing everything. My room is now decorated in mauve and purple with foo-foo fuzzy pillows and a whole bunch of beauty crap in my bathroom. If I wanted to move in with Mace, I would have asked him.

And every time I turn around, there she is waiting to smother me with love or food. Believe me, after a few bites, both are no longer very appetizing.

Funny, QG doesn’t seem to mind Rhonda that much. In fact they seem to get along quite well. So I asked him one day, “Hey Qui, Doesn’t it bug you that we have to share this place with her?”

“Aw, no man. In fact it’s kinda nice having someone else to talk to. I never knew Ithorians were so in touch with the living force and all. It’s like, so cool to have someone else who can really see and hear me, man. Maybe that’s why you guys are such a perfect couple.”

I cringed at the thought.

“And besides, she owns a first pressing of A Hard Days Knight. How cool is that?”

“Eh…yeah. That’s just spiffy. Maybe I’ll go into the office and see if there’s some work that needs to be done before we go on that reunion tour of yours next month.”

“Oh yeah, the three of us will have so much fun.”
My little flashlight eyes dimmed for a second. “The….three of us? Qui…don’t tell me that…”

“Oh yeah man, I forgot to tell you. Rhonda’s coming with us. With that stereo voice of hers she a natural for a backup singer. She’s gonna be in the show man. So you guys can take your groove on the road now.”

I felt the walls close in on me. I made a mad dash to my office. Maybe some good ol hard number crunching will get my mind off the situation.

But even there, during a halo-group conference power talk with the brownie distributors she managed to barge in at the worst possible time. “Say Pookie-Doo, do you want me to sew up the holes in your little undies?”

The conference members roared with laughter. I just stood there jaws clenched on my stogie until I thought it would snap in half.

I had to get out of there...out of the house…even if for just a little while. Amazingly it was Qui who came up with a solution.

“Hey J.J., Dooku just invited me to a small poker party he’s throwing. You want to come along?”

“Right now?”


"Is…..she coming?”

“Who Rhonda?”

“SSHHHHHHhhhhh. ……yeah.”

“Uh, no man. I think she said she had to do her nails….all seventeen of them.”

“Great! Let’s go!!!!”

I only had time to grab a fist full of credits, but that’s okay. For the night I was free.

You can watch how the game goes here. And although it’s at my arch-snack rival’s place, it’s bound to be better that what’s waiting for me back home.

Friday, November 18, 2005

My Wife the Hammerhead

Yeah, you read that right the first time. Sometime during my five day drinking binge at Watto’s Casino and Resort I somehow got hitched to an Ithorian. How this happened, I ain’t quite sure but I think we met while betting on the Hutt sumo wrestling.

Now she’s here in my home…sleeping in my bed and eating in my kitchen and showing off her new….ring?

“Holy crap!! Did I pay for that?”

“Why of course, sweetie-pea. Don’t you remember? We got it from Watto himself.” She fluttered her gangly fingers in the air.

“How much did that flying tick want for it?”

“eighty-five thousand.”


“But you told him your love for me was greater than that and said he would have to take an even hundred for it.”

“Woah, dude. You must have really been wasted to haggle up like that.” Qui-Gon mentioned while pouring himself a second cup of tea.

“Gee, ya think?” This was just too much for me to process on a hangover. I needed some time to think. “I…I think I’m going to go back to bed…”

“oooh…Does that mean you’re wanting a little more…Hammer-Time?”


“Eh…on second though…I think I’ll just take a shower….alone…”

I stepped out of the kitchen and slowly wattled back to my living quarters. Now what do I do? I got a wife…what was her name again? Rhonda? Rhonda the Ithorian. Good God, could my life get any worse.

“Uh…J.J. …” I heard Qui-Gon’s ethereal voice drift up behind me. “Uh…can I ask you something?”

“Ohhh…I suppose so. What is it?”

“So like…I’m your best friend and all right?”


“So like…why didn’t you invite me to your wedding and all, man. I would have like…baked some special wedding brownies and all had I known.”

“Hey, If I had known I was getting married to…that…I would have stabbed myself repeatedly until I resembled swiss cheese. I was wasted, Qui. I was out of my freaking head with booze and death sticks and god knows what else. The last thing I remember was sitting in a pool ordering drinks. …And that was just the first day. Who knows what else I did while I was there. But I certainly wouldn’t have gotten married to Miss Black n’ Decker in there!”

Just then…she stepped into the hallway…

Ah jeez…here come the tears…

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Morning Mourning

Okay…just relax. I got ta tell myself I’ve been in tight situations like this before.

Carefully squints eyes open beneath a shelter of blankets.

Wait….she’s gone. She must have gotten up after I pretended to fall back asleep. Maybe she got dressed and slinked back to where ever she came from.

Throws the covers back and takes a deep breath.

Oh man oh man oh man…I can’t believe I had inter-species sex with a…..Ithorian. I must have been really hammered!

Cringe at bad pun and reach for a stogie on the bedside table. Light it up and take a steadying breath. Look around carefully at my surroundings.

Hey….wait a moment….this is my room…AT HOME! I think…? Who put up all this foo-foo crap? Oooh….my head. I wish I could remember more.

Some floating images of the night before drift back into his memory.

Oh…oh yeah…I forgot that Ithorian’s have two mouths…that was kinda sweet…

He throws the covers off himself and gets up, grabbing a fresh robe.

So how did I manage to get back home? I wonder if…she drove me? Oh, never again will I drink like that. Well, too late now. Chalk it up to a learning experience and let it go. No need to dwell on the past and all.

Slips on his Jo Jo the Monkeyboy slippers and walks out of his room towards the kitchen. The smell of frying bacon and eggs whiff down the hall to greet his nose.

“Oh…Qui….what a weekend. I’m sorry I drank so much. Ya got any coffee in there?”

Walk in kitchen…stop short stunned.

“Hey man, you’re finally up. I was beginning to wonder about you.” Said Qui-Gon fixing some tea.

“Oh, there you are sweetie-pea.” The Ithorian mewed in stereo. “I was beginning to wonder if you were going to sleep the whole day away. After last night, I wouldn’t be surprised…” Wink. Wink.

“Hey, like, Rhonda here has been telling me how you guys met and all, man. Who would have thought you would take to sumo wrestling?”

“Rhonda? Rhonda who?” I spoke in stunned breaths.

“Aww…isn’t he a kidder. Why me, silly. Your wife. Don’t you remember we got married at the casino?”


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Coyote Morning

Oooooh ….my head….

The pounding….the pain….how…how much did I drink last night?

Oh yeah…that’s right. Quite a lot I suppose. I remember downing all those jello shots with Gungan vodka in them. How many did I have….twenty five? Thirty five? When will I learn?

Eyes squint open ever so slightly.

Morning….great. To blasted light. My head feels like the exhaust of a pod racer. Now…where am I again? Oh yeah….at Watto’s Casino Hotel. Yeah…that registered.

Eyes open a little more.

Hmmm….looks like I managed to make it back to my room. That’s a good sign at least. What a weekend! Ohhhhh….I gotta remind Qui to remind me not to mix more than a dozen drinks in one sitting.

Slightly pushes his head up on his pillow. Smacks his pasty lips and tries to look around.

Ohhh….I wish the room would stop spinning. I hate the spins. Man, it must have been some party. I wish…I could remember most of it.

His head turns ever so slightly to the mound next to him in bed.

Heh? Wazzat? Who’s th-


Tuesday, November 08, 2005

New Mos Eisley

Finally…it’s over.

My hosting duties are done. Not that Survivor: Tatooine wasn’t fun, it’s just I’ll be glad to return to my daily life of sleeping in late, drinking too much and cussing out the help.

But while I was still on Tatooine seeing the old homestead, I also needed to swing down into Mos Eisley to get my final paycheck from the producer. Some tool named Mark Burnett I think.

The first thing I noticed when I got into town is how much the place has changed. I mean, look at it! What was once a sleepy, gritty town is now an over commercialized tourist trap.

Hmmmm….Dooku seems to be making a killing here too….

So I found this Burnett character’s office, and after waiting around for nearly three hours with nothing to do but look through five year old Better Blasters and Gaffi Sticks Magazines, I was allowed in to see him.

Right away I kinda got a bad feeling about the guy.

“Well Well, Mr Jawa Jude, nice to finally see you. I’d like to congratulate you on a fine job as host of my little Survivor show. The ratings were fantastic. Here’s your check.”

“What’s with all the extraneous merchandising? The place looks like a carnival out there.”

“No, it’s an amusement park; it’s opening up next week,” he told me with a greasy smile. “And sales of Jawa Juice are going through the roof.”

Not to mention all the little gifts and stuff for the kids. Like this Survivor: Tatooine winner costume. Boy, the kids are eating it up.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great. So where’s my cut in all this?”
”Oh…well…dear oh dear. Well, you see you signed on just to be the host. There’s nothing in the contract stipulating that you get any other money resulting from over blatant profiteering on your good name. eh…sorry.”

I looked at my check and it would hardly pay the rent. Great. Screwed again.

I didn’t know if I should tear this guy a new one or be flat out in awe of his business technique. I opted to find the nearest cantina and get drunk.

(Thanks to Becks for the assist on the pictures.)

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Home Again...Home Again...Jiggidy Jig!

Now that Survivor:Tatooine is finally wrapping up, I thought it would be a good time to take this opportunity to go and see the ol family homestead.

It wasn’t hard to find. Just head out to the south eastern part of the Dune Sea and make a left at the trail of beer cans. Sure enough, there was our ol trailer park.

The place hasn’t changed a bit.

I knocked on the door and ma opened it. “Wha? Land sakes! Lil’ Juicy? Is that really you?”

“Yeah Ma, its me. How ya been doing?”

She gave me one of those big motherly hugs. You know, the kind that squeezes the breath out of you. “My oh my. I can’t believe you’re here. Hey everyone!!! My son Lil’ Juicy is back!!!” Great. Who else in the family is in here?

She opened the door and led me in all the while worrying over my weight. “My, you look thin. Are you eating enough over there in croissant?”

“It’s Coruscant, ma. And yeah, I’m doing well.” I looked around. The place was filled with month old newspapers, cartons of cigarettes, empty cans of Ol’ Mos Eisley. Aunt Krip’ooí was in the kitchen cooking something up with a pound of Bantha lard and humming a toon. When she saw me she suddenly turned and yelled, “Banana Patch! Pudding Pops and Choo-choos. Milk toast? Piano! Gah-Ack!!!” Yup. Aunt Krip’ooí was still quite insane. But I got to give her credit; she can deep fry anything and make it taste good.

“You’re eyes look a bit dim, are you sleeping enough?”

“Yeah ma.”

“You look cold. Do you want me to fetch you your sweater?”

“It must be at least a hundred degrees in here ma. I’m fine.”

“Well then you just sit down and I’ll fix you up some vittles.”

“Sure ma.” I walked over to the tiny living room, complete with fake wood paneling and a tiny plastic fireplace that glowed with a sixty watt light bulb. My cousin Ni’teetee was there filing her nails and reading a National Enquirer. My Uncle Noo’booí (Uncle Noob for short) was there also watching galactic football on the ol black and white. For some reason he was in his boxers with a tub of onion dip on his chest. “Hey! Big time jawa man! How’s it hanging, boy? Ya want some dip?”

“eh…it’s going fine, Uncle Noob. Um…where’s the chips?”

“Ran out a couple o days ago. Just youz ya fingers. We’re all family here.” He then scooped up a two finger handful and slopped it in his mouth.

“Eh…maybe later. Hey Ni’teetee. How are you doing? Are you still in beauty school?”

“No. Ya know. Same ol thing. Got knocked up by the instructor, then he left me for a younger skank. Same thing as before.”

“uh….ya might wanna look into destructive life patterns.”

“Nah, I think the curtains are okay as they are.”

“Hey com’on over here, Jawa-boy. Watch some football with ya uncle for a spell.”

“Who’s winning?”

“The Anchorhead Armadillos. They’re beating the crap outta Oakland Tusken Raiders.”

“Here’s some deep fried Twinkies, dear.”

“Oh…eh…thanks ma. Say ma…where’s little Joot’í?”

“Oh, your lit’l brothers around here somewhere. Prol’ly over at those nasty Hutt neighbors we have now.”

“We got Hutts for neighbors? Since when?”

“Since Bubba the Hutt moved in a year or so ago. They is always leaving their rusted ol speeders out in the middle of the yard…shooting their blasters at ol broken down refrigerators. I sware, they is gonna make the property values drop around here. But ol Joot’í likes ta hang out with their son. They go Swoop Bike racing and shoot things, I think.”

“If ya ask me, he’s inna gang,” Uncle Noob chimed in. “Bad influence, those Hutts are if ya ask me.” He then spit out a huge dark gray loogie into his empty beer can then reached for another pinch of Kodiak Chaw.

“Scrub-a-dub-dub! We’re not hitchhiking anymore…we’re riding!!!” Aunt Krip’ooí had to add in. She’s never been the same since Uncle E’eootí left her for the dark side. She’s actually more coherent now.

I decided to step aside with my ma for a moment. “Are ya doing okay these days, ma? Do ya need more money?”

“Oh, I’m fine, Lil’ Juicy.”

“Coz I can send ya more if it’ll help.”

“What cha doing these days, jawa-boy?” Uncle Noob yelled over the beat up recliner. “Still fixen up them droids?”

“Eh, no Uncle Noob. I’m in the brownie business now. Didn’t you get a box of our brownies a while ago?”

”Is that what they waz? I thought they waz urinal cakes. They made my cheeks all tingly like when I sat on them, though.”

“Well…just as long as you enjoyed them, I guess.”

I turned back to my ma. “Ma, I’ve been giving you a lot of credits each month. How come the place still looks like…well…like this? What have you been doing with the money?”

”Land sakes, Lil’ Juicy! Now don’t be grillin’ your mother. Ya know I got important stuff ta buy for the family n’ all.”

Sure enough, I saw a cart of empty sherry bottles in the corner along with about a couple o hundred used scratcher lottery tickets spread all over the kitchen table. A giant velvet painting of some guy named Jeez-uh-suss stared down at me from the dining room wall.

“Want some sherry, dear?” Yup. Everything was the same.

“Eh, sorry ma. I got to go.”

“Go? Ya just got here?”

”I know, but I got to check in on my ol work mates before I leave.”

“But suppers almost ready. We’re having BBQ Bantha innerds. Uncle Noob’s got em cookin’ up in the back even as we speak. Ain’t that right Noob?”

“Yeah yeah, right. Hey, I’m outta beer sis, grab me another will ya?”

“I’m sorry ma, but I do gotta go. I’ll send ya more money when I get back home.”

I kissed her on her head and said my goodbyes then made a hasty retreat.

As I walked away, my ma stepped outside with me. “Is you ashamed of us now, Lil’ Juicy?”

“I…no ma. It’s just…well I guess it’s true…you can never come home again.”

“Aww…you know you can always come home, lil’ Juicy.”

“I know ma…thanks. I’ll always be home…right here.” I touched her heart. “Just remember…wherever there’s a broken down trailer park…I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a bunch of kids sneaking cigarettes and shooting cans…I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a singing billy-bass on the wall…I’ll be there. An wherever there’s toothless hic smiles filled with tobacco juice…I’ll be there. Just…metaphorically speaking that is. Goodbye ma.”

Sometimes, I can’t believe I actually grew up there. Even for a jawa it seems so small now.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Junk Mail

For the record, my real name is not J.J.. I't’s a nickname. Now, as nicknames go, it’s all fine and dandy. I can think of worse. (J.J.J. for instance, but what do I look like - a bad tempered, cigar chomping owner of a big business who hates spider-man? scratch that.)

Anyway, it doesn’t seem to stop the ton of junk mail I get supposedly coming to me. I mean really! Once they get a wrong name on their little computerized lists everything starts ta flood in. I get junk mail now coming to Dr. J. Jay, Jay Jayson, J.J.J.J.J.J.J jr. and so on. Not to mention sending it to my real name…or at least trying to. No I am not “Mouthpick moosepok moreslurp gooberscooperton plowpucker!!! Or any variations of said name for that matter.

It doesn’t matter. Once on their mailing list you just can’t stop the influx of pamphlets, catalogs, magazines, and fund raiser notices. Things I never even heard of. Such as Rolling Sith, Better homes and Death Stars, R2 Guide, Teen Sith, Swank…hmmm, nothing wrong with that one. Secret Jedi vacation homes, Road and Roboclaw, Senatorial Fashion Today, Good Gungan Housekeeping, Hutt-Life, the lists keeps coming.

I’ve tried writing to them to stop sending me this crap but all they do is turn around and send it to me again under another wrong name.

Then I got the latest pamphlet today and I got ta say, I was a bit worried.

Who knew their reach has grown so far…?

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Poker Night

So we got this new place, Sure, I’ll have a huge blow-out party sometime soon, maybe when all the Survivor episodes are all aired, but for right now just a little poker with some of the guys sounded perfect.

I made some calls, broke out the chips and dip and other munchies, made sure CU-812 was ready to mix the drinks behind the mini bar while ol’ Trash-E stomped around cleaning up the place. I put on my visor and lit up a stogie. I was ready.

I asked if Qui-Gon wanted to join in but he told me he wanted to meditate for a while but may join in later.

First to arrive were Obi-Wan and Mace. Obs of course brought his own supply of Cheetos. Anakin and Yoda soon followed. It seems they were in the middle of an argument about hitting a post on the way here which resulted in Anakin squealing from a force wedgie.. Typho, Han and Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator came by next. Quickly followed by Jar-Jar. Now, I know what you’re all thinking, why bring Jar Jar? Hey, we’re playing for credits here. A mark is a mark.

Fluke stopped by also with some strange blue collard guy in tow.

J.J.: Hey Fluke. Glad you could make it. Eh….who’s your friend?

Fluke: Hmmm? Oh him. That’s my science officer, Mr. Sprok. I…uh…had to bring him along. I couldn’t leave him alone….if you know what I mean. He then formed his hand into a bottle and whispered, you know…Glug-Glug-Glug.

I didn’t but I let them in anyway. That was everyone…or so I thought. Just as we were settling into our seats in the game room, the door bell rang again. I scurried down the stairs and answered the door. On the other side were Senator Palpatine and Count Dooku.

Dooku: I dare say, ol chap, is this where the card game is being held. I do so love a good ripping game of cards. You must be the butler.

He then handed me his top hat and cashmere scarf.

J.J.: No, I’m the owner here. How did you guys know that…

Palps: Tish-tish, my good jawa. What difference does it make, we’re here now. And we’ve brought plenty of credits with us.

He jangled a sack of coins in his front pocket…at least I hope they were a sack of coins. I shrugged and let them in. I suppose the rest of them could put aside their differences for a friendly game.

But when I lead them upstairs to the parlor…

Yoda: Dooku!!!

Dooku: Master Yoda

Anakin: Wha- Dooku!!!!

Dooku: Master Anakin

Mace: Dooku?!?!!!

Dooku: Master Windu.

Fluke: Coronal mustard!!! I mean Dooku!!!!!

Palps: Yes, yes. I’m sure it comes as a bit of a shock to see the count here, but I assure you his intentions are purely to play some cards. That is all.

Yoda: And know this, how do you, senator?

Palps: Why, I simply asked him, of course.

Han: Hey are we gonna gab all night or are we gonna play some cards? My fingers are beginning to itch and that’s a good thing. Besides, who cares who they are so long as they got the credits.

Han’s point was well taken so we sat down at the table, broke out the cards and set up the chips. CU-812 made the rounds taking orders for drinks.

It was dealer’s choice so I started the night with a simple five-card draw. First bets were laid out, then the cards drawn.

J.J.: How many cards you want Fluke? Eh…can you see your cards through that blast shield?

Fluke: hm? Oh sure. I can get a feel for them. I’ll take one card. NO Four!! Yeah, that’s it.

J.J.: uh hu. Jon?

Jon: Oh, I’ll hold on to these.

That drew some nervous stares.

As it turned out he was bluffing. And the pot came down to Dooku, Typho and Han. Not surprisingly the first game went to Han with a diamond flush.

Now, as I sat and played for the first hour I began to pick up on the interesting quirks of other players. For example Obi-Wan always stuck in there and bet, even when he had nothing.And if he did have something good he would nibble on a Cheeto like a rat. Yoda would more times than not giggle under his breath when he had some good hand. A poker face he does not have. Windu was the easiest mark of all. All you had to do to beat Windu was look at the reflection of his cards off his shiny skull. It wasn’t long before he was the first person out. To this day, he still didn’t know how he always lost every hand.

Dooku would always take a long savoring sip of his drink before betting big which usually meant he had something good and the rest of us should get out.

Palps hardly bet aggressive and rarely pressed his luck. Instead he seemed content to watch how other people bet. Very sneaky, that one.

On the other hand, Anakin would always raise and raise big.

Jar-Jar? Well, let’s just say Gungan and cards are not the best of mixes. Although he did win one big hand quite unexpectedly. He was up against Jon’s full house and had only two pair….a pair of black eights and a pair of red eights. Needless to say he was surprise at winning that.

Yoda, who was sitting on Typho’s left kept leaning in ever so subtlety into the captain’s blind spot to sneak a peek at his cards.

Typho: Hey…what are you doing. Just cuz I don’t have an eye on that side doesn’t mean I can’t tell you’re trying to cheat.

Yoda: Cheating, am I? No, leaning forward to release some gas, I was. Smell it can you?

After a while Dooku was down a lot of chips and he was beginning to drink more heavily.

Dooku: Another Gin and tonic, my good (hic) droid, and make it a double.

I couldn’t tell but I thought maybe Fluke was cheating also. He had that silly blast helmet on and Mr. Sprok just stood at attention behind him. Hmmm…I wonder…

After only one hour, it was clear that Han, Jon, and Typho were the card sharks at this table. I was holding my own, but they were good. Despite Yoda’s not too subtle forms of cheating, he was down to his last few credits and Anakin betting up a storm was almost out also. But I could smell a change in the air. I knew my luck would come in, if I just held out the night.

It was going to be a long night…

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Penthouse that Brownies Built

J.J. and Qui-Gon step off the elevator onto the small hallway just outside their apartment.

J.J.: Now are you sure you got your eyes closed?

QG: uh, yeah.

J.J.: Just making sure. It’s hard to tell with ya being a force ghost an all.

QG: So like, what’s the surprise? Where are we?

J.J.: Where are we? Why….we’re home, my friend. Our new home! Okay…open your eyes!

QG: Woah. What happened to our old place?

J.J.: Completely remodeled. This time untouched by the boys of F.O.O.F. We now own the top two floors of the tower and every stitch of it redone. Come on. I’ll give ya the grand tour!

We were just in the communal elevator and hallway (1). Our only neighbors are some Grans. Don’t know them too well. Then we walk into the marble hallway (2) with a coat closet off to the side (2b) and into our huge, spacious sunken living room (3) with a giant curved window giving a fantastic view of Coruscant. In the back there we have a fully stocked bar too. (3b) as well as a side bathroom (3c).

QG: Who’s the protocol droid across the bar?

J.J.: Oh that’s CU-812. He’s new. He acts as a kinda butler, but mostly he fixes the drinks.

CU-812: Good afternoon Master J.J., Master Jinn. May I fix you two a drink? I am well versed in over six thousand forms of drink recipes.
J.J.: Not right now thank you. We also have Trash-E around here somewhere too. He’s been reprogrammed to clean up the place. Now…let’s continue on, shall we? Off to the side here we have a nice size dining room (4) and fully stocked modern kitchen as well (5). Just beyond is the experimental kitchen (6) where we can experiment around with new brownie concoctions. Plus a secured room for the spice (6b). Of course the main production is still manufactured at the factory, but this gives us a chance to work on things here on our own.

QG: Whoa, that’s like totally groovy man. But aren’t you worried about someone like, sneaking in here and stealing our recipes…not to mention the spice?

J.J.: Have no fear. I hired on Captain Typho to wire the place up with tons of security. He did a great job of the place. So much so I gave him a bonus, which as you know I don’t normally do, but he earned it.

Now let’s head over here. I’d like to call this our little art gallery hallway (7). On the other side is the library which can also substitute as a cigar lounge (8). Down below we have my office (9) and your office (10). Finally on this level we have the entertainment room (11). A huge room with comfortable couches and giant high definition plasma screen TV and surround sound speakers. Only the best, ya know. Ya can watch movies, listen to music, play the Super Deluxe Toshy© XXL-Box hyper-mega game system, complete with eight robo-controllers. You name it.

Okay, let’s get go up the stairs here.

QG: Stairs?

J.J.: That’s right Qui, ol buddy. We added the top floor to our home and completely redone that too.

First we have the guest bedrooms (12) In case some of our friends need ta crash. Over on this side we have my secluded living area (13) and bedroom (13b). I also added a sauna (14) for those times I really miss the heat. And of course the bathroom and walk in closet (15).

Now let’s walk across the hallway and we have your room (16) complete with beanbag chairs and also bathroom and walk in closet (17), if…eh you need that sort of thing.

You also have your own meditation room (18) and best of all, your own garden room (19) for all your plants and stuff. That room over there is a storage room for soil and stuff (19b).

QG: Dude….look at all the plants….it’s like….ya know…beautiful man.

J.J.: Glad you like it. But come on. I got a few more surprises for you. Back out the hallway we have guest bathrooms (20) and our laundry room (21) but you’ll never guess what’s behind this door. That’s right your own jam area complete with recording studio (22) for those times you just want to play the guitar or what have you. Invite some friends and jam away.

Now lets walk through the recording area out this door to the north and you’ll see we have a very nice outdoor balcony complete with Jacuzzi, lawn chairs and BBQ. (24) While just inside is another bathroom/ changing area for guests (23).

Finally we have the game room (25) complete with pool table, a huge card table and even a foosball table. Not to mention another smaller mini bar off to the side. And just up those steps is a side mezzanine (25b) where you can see all the latest arcade games are lined up. As you can see, there is another spiral staircase leading down into the living room from here too.

Finally we have the garage with speeder (27) and the droid repair shop/junk room (26).

So what do you think?

QG: Dude…it’s like….pretty far out!

J.J.: I take it then you like it.

QG: Oh yeah, man. Especially my jam room and garden.

J.J.: Good. I didn’t have a lot of time to go over the plans with you and I kinda wanted to surprise you too. But now there’s one more thing that needs to be done.

QG: A house warming party?

J.J.: Eh….that too. No, what I wanted to say was….well…I know we’ve had loads of wacky, zany adventures. We started Uncle Jinn and JJ’s Home-Made Super-Fudgy Special-Spiced brownies with a brownie pan, 27 credits worth of ingredients and the majority of your stash, but things are changing.

QG: oh oh….I think I know what’s coming…I think I saw this in a dream or something…

J.J.: As you know I am the majority shareholder of stock in our company…

QG: (looks around) Okay…where is he?

J.J.: (perplexed) Where’s who?

QG: Dooku.

J.J.: Dooku!?!? Why would that scoundrel be here?

QG: To…to replace me. You see I had this very vision…in those rings of fear on Survivor….I saw this coming…

J.J: Replace you? You’re kidding right? Dude…I want to make you a full fledged partner. 50/50…down the middle. You control the creative half…I control the business half.

QG: You…you mean you’re not firing me?

J.J.: No. You’re my business partner…but more importantly…you’re my friend. My best friend. I don’t know why I can see and talk to you, force ghost that you are, but for some reason I can. I always could. I came to Coruscant alone and not just a little lost and there you were…floating around your old home I had just acquired. I guess it was fate. I couldn’t have done any of this without you. From now on you're not some lackey here…you’re my partner. You have an equal say in what happens to our business.

QG: I…I don’t know what to say…

J.J.: Say you’ll sign this paper making it official…partner. Good. Now let’s put on some vintage Pink Fambaa and hang out in our new place…friend.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Roach Motel (a.k.a. Ol' Ben's Place)

(Wait! Don’t read this until you’ve read the action packed, first part of this tremendously torrid tale told here.
There. You done yet? Okay. Now you can read on…)

Roaches…why did it have to be roaches?

All I wanted to do was clean up Obi-Wan’s dump of an apartment. Not do battle with thousands of diabolically intelligent roaches. Who knew so many of them lived in here? I suppose it was easy to miss them under this layer of filth and clutter, but still… And what’s with their leader? A giant albino roach with a monocle? Who does he think he is? Marlon Brando? And while were at it, what’s with Qui-Gon calling the toilet the fresher? I mean really. Is there anything less fresh-like in the world? It should be called the stinker…or in Obi-Wan’s case the clogger. But I suppose I shouldn’t dwell on that. I think all the blood is rushing to my head hanging by this dental floss.

I tried yelling for ol QG. Nothing.

“I told you…your friend has been swallowed whole by the DAL-3K,” the pasty cockroach king spoke again, his little antenna twitching with excitement on my forehead.

“What do you want? Why are you doing this?” I asked in clichéd hostage format. “You’ll never get away with it!” I had to add. Clichés, you know.

“You and your little ghostly friend have caused a lot of trouble since you’ve been here. We had the perfect kingdom of filth before you guys came along. Now look what you’ve done. The place is almost habitable! That is why you are going to return it to its former luxuriously nasty self.”

“Oh yeah?!?! And who’s gonna make me?”

He leaned in closer. “Oh, I will…”

“Oh yeah??! You and what army?”

He raised a gangly arm around him. Oh yeah. I forgot. I got to stop with these damn clichés. They get me deeper in trouble every time.

“And what if I refues?”

“Well then, it looks like we’ll just have to start laying eggs in your ears and eyes. Ralph!”

A bloated cockroach stepped up. “Yes SAH!!!

“Check this jawa’s ears and eyes. Make sure he has no mighty-mighty-mightit-biteme’s. I would hate to cure such an affliction inadvertently.

“Right away, sah!”

“Alright! Alright! I’ll do what you ask. I’ll return this place to the way it was.”

The monocled cockroach smiled deviously. “As I knew you would…”

The little buggers let me loose. But when I stepped out into the living room, I was flabbergasted. The place was pristine clean. I mean really clean. I mean I had no idea Obi-Wan had white carpets clean.

“Return it to its normal state of grime and filth before Cheetoed one returns.

I looked at the clock. I had maybe an hour before Obi-Wan would come back home. “That-that’s impossible. I need help. You got to release my buddy Qui-Gon.”

“Oh no. He stays where he is…trapped in the belly of the DAL-3K!!! …as insurance.”

“Qui!!” I yelled at the hardware. “Can you hear me? Are you all right?”

“……I think so. It’s kinda like the apartment when we first came here…only smaller. But the frogs are nice to me.”

“Time is running out…”

“I know, I know…I just need some…Hey! I got it. Let me make just one call…”

He was reluctant but I could see in his tiny eyes that he desperately wanted his home back the way it was. So I did the only thing I could do. I made a call to some friends.

“You rang?”

“Frick! Frack! Quick! I need you to…eh…fix this place.”

“Why should we? The place looks fine.”

“yeah…there’s nothing wrong here.”

I slapped my forehead in aggravation.

“OoO! That’s right, he’s a secret member. He knows the secret password. All right, bossman. We’re all yours!”

And just like that, the two members of F.O.O.F. sprang into action fixing the place up in their usual way. In no time flat it was back to its discussing, dilapidated self…Cheetos and beer cans and all.

After the two nimrods took my phony check, I confronted the white roach. “There. It’s done. Just like it was…maybe even worse. Now free my friend.”

“Hmmmm….very well. I am a roach of my word. He scurried up the DAL-3K and pressed a button. Out came Qui-Gon in plume of Cheeto dust that covered the apartment in a wonderful finishing touch. His poncho was stained and I think there were some frogs stuck in his cowbell but overall he looked okay.

“Now, I want you two to leave the premises tomorrow. We can’t afford to take the chance of you falling back into your clean ways,” demanded the white roach. “We have a perfect eco system here. The Jedi provides us with a living habitat and in return we don’t lay our eggs in his shorts.”

Suddenly the door began to open. Thousands of cockroaches darted into the corners under the new layer of grossness.

Obi-Wan walked in with a bag of spicy Cheetos and a six pack. I smiled up at him.

“Dude…what’s up….?”

“Eh….What do you mean Obes?”

“The place…..look at it.”

I surreptitiously took a look around then smiled back nervously. “Eh…what’s wrong?”

“It looks disgusting. Did you have a party while I was gone and forget to invite me?”

Whiew! Thanks to F.O.O.F. we’re saved again.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Hidden Pictures

Woah! What do we have here?

ooks like ol Ben has been keeping more than his left over baloney sandwiches hidden in a shoebox. Look at the pictures I found hidden away. I’m not sure what to make of them. They seem very odd to me. Maybe some of you out there can make heads or tails of what’s going on in these pictures?

#1 Like this one? Who are these people and why do I feel like I'm watching a sit-com?

#2 Hey, did someone crazy glue his claw to his head?

#3 What's Obi-Wan saying that could distress Padmé so much?

#4 Woah! What is this guy? Lord of sausage heads?

#5 "Wanna smell somthing?"

#6 "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

#7 "Maybe if I pretend I'm asleep he'll stop staring at me..."

#8 ...Geisha disco?

#9 ???

#10 Okay...everyone looks fine...everyone is just standing around for oh...I don't know. Waiting for someone to speak, to start the- Wait! What's with Yoda?

I don't know. Maybe I was better off not finding these. Anyone else have a clue what's going on in them?

Friday, September 23, 2005

New Music Friday

Every day I spend here at Obi-Wan’s château de filth, I am constantly surprised by what I find. No, I’m not talking about the half eaten Hungry Man T.V. dinners stuffed under the cushions of the couch or the old Silly Putty eggs in the freezer or even his old 7-11 super-hero slurpee cup collection he keeps in the dryer. No, today I found an old record collection he had stashed away in the back of a closet stuffed full of jumbo 24-packs of toilet paper. (Why does he need all that t.p.? He expecting a run?)

Anyway, I thought I’d take a gander at what ol Ben calls good music. Frankly, I was a little surprised at this one…

And if that wasn’t bad enough, I found this little beauty tucked in the back. I guess there are just some things in his past he just doesn’t want the rest of us to know.

Too bad for him. This little bad boy is going on E-Bay.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Game Shows these days...

Living in the Jedi Temple has its advantages. Take for instance the other day when I just couldn’t take the stench of Obi-Wan’s old socks any more. I just had to get out of the place for a while. So I found myself wandering around for a few hours waiting for my head to clear.

And who did I happen to come across? Master Yoda, Master Windu and Master Ki-Adi-Mundi. They seemed to be taking part in an odd game show. (Odd because I wasn’t involved in it.) So I skulked back into the shadows and watched as they came out of commercial break.

Announcer: Hi, I’m Chuck Wookari. Welcome back to the Bald Dating Game. Our lovely contestant is settled in and is about to ask our fine bald bachelors some questions.

Girl behind wall: Thanks Chuck *giggle*. Bachelor number one: What fruit most describes your bald head?

Yoda: Hmmm…very difficult, that question is. Never thought my head as a fruit, until now.

Mace: Try an old green prune…with some white furry mold on it…unlike my gorgeous shiny head which gleams in flawless beauty.

Girl: Bachelor number three, same question.

Ki-Adi-Mundi: Well I suppose if I had to pick something I would have to say it most resembles a banana. A rather…pale banana.

Girl: ewww. Okay. Bachelor number two; how would you describe your perfect date?

Mace: I would first spend a few hours using my mini floor waxer to polish up my head until it acquired the perfect balance of luster and reflection. I would then spend another hour exfoliating and moisturizing. Finally I would give myself a very long look in the mirror checking for minor flaws and imperfections while basking in the overall glory that is me. I would then walk over to the corner of the bathroom, have myself a good cathartic cry then pick out a fresh robe to wear. Of course, I would have to go back to the mirror and make sure my eyes didn’t get all puffy and red. But if they did, all I would do is take out some Preparation H and smooth out those…

Girl: Thank you. Eh…bachelor number one; if you woke up one day and found out you had lost your baldness…what would you do?

Yoda: The question I understand not. Saying you are, what would I do if my hair I had again?

Girl: Bachelor number two, same question.

Mace: Weep. Weep for the senseless destruction of a perfect skull.

Yoda: Wait. Finished my answer, I did not…

Girl: Bachelor number three, same question.

Ki-Adi-Mundi: Well, that would be very difficult, my dear, since I never had any hair to begin with.

Girl: ooo! Bachelor number one; if your bald head could talk…what would it say?

Yoda: hmmph! Silly these questions are. No more charity work will I do if endure this silly game again I must.

Girl: That’s nice. Bachelor number three, same question.

Ki-Adi-Mundi: um…beware of speed bumps?

Mace: Man, why do we even have to bother with these questions. Everyone knows Mace Windu has the perfect bald head. Pick me. I mean come on. Next to these two I should be in a bald head hall of fame. The contestant on my right still has a little hair on him which I would think automatically disqualifies him and the other contestant’s head is so lumpy, it looks like oatmeal.

Yoda: Unfortunate, contestant number two’s comments are. Thinking of a number between one and a hundred, I am. Number of times force wedgies I am about to deliver to him. Hint I will give you. Small number it is not.
Chuck: Well that’s about all the time we have. So who have you decided to go with?

Girl: Gee Chuck, they all sound so smooth. *giggle* But I suppose it would have to be….bachelor number three.

Mace: What!?! I am so much prettier than him! So much shinier…

Chuck: Ki-Adi-Mundi, you lucky guy, come over and meet the girl who picked you.

After that it just degenerated into Mace sobbing uncontrollably while Yoda made good on his threat.

I just don’t get game shows these days….