Friday, December 02, 2005

Make Room for Dooku

Everything was working perfectly. Jar Jar came over reeking of Old Spice and aged polyester and instantly started making the moves on Rhonda.

I made some drinks and put on some music and watched the ol Gungan charm melt over her.
After a few drinks, I was waiting for that said charm to appear any ol minute.

After a few bottles I was beginning to get worried. It seemed all they did was play Ms. AT-AT in the game room. This was getting depressing. How was I going to get these two to commit adultery before my eyes?

Then the doorbell rang. Dominos? I don’t think so.
I stumbled over to the door and low and behold there was Count Dooku wrapped in a fine overcoat and carrying luggage.

“Ah, there you are my good Jawa. Would you be so kind as to take these for me and place them in my new accommodations while I make some tea? It’s awfully nippy out there tonight.”

Dooku? Oh that’s right. I lost in a high stakes poker game with Palps and this was my…eh…losses. So to speak.

Great. Just what I don’t need. Now I got two unwanted guests in my home. Before I could say another word, the ol Count tossed his top hat on the sofa and stepped into the living room. He surveyed the surroundings and I saw a scoul appear on his crusty old face.

“Dear me, I am slumming is these days, aren’t I? Oh well. I hear you have a Jacuzzi so I suppose it won’t be all that bad.” He then stopped and turned to me. “J.J.! Haven’t you taken my bags to my room yet? And where’s that tea? Don’t you have a servant?”

Just then, Jar Jar came down the spiral stairs. “Ah, that must be him now.” He smacked his hands together and his nose got all pinched up. “You there Gungan. Fix me some tea.”

Jar Jar looked at Dooku kinda perplexed for a moment then shrugged his shoulders. “Okie-dokie messa Dooku. Messa fixa special tea for you.” Jar Jar then stepped into the kitchen.

Just then Rhonda stepped down. “lil’ J.J. honey, I think I need a new fingernail scrubber. I hear there’s a diamond encrusted one for only 35 thousand credits. Do you mind if I get it tomorrow…oh. I didn’t know you had com-”

“Rhonda? Is that you?” Said Dooku. “Why it is you. I didn’t know you were working in this system. It’s been a long time. So who’s your mark this time.”

She froze in her tracks.

Dooku’s eyes slid from the Ithorian to myself then back. “Oh dear…eh…this is your wife J.J.?”

“Yeah….I think so. Mark, eh? Well that makes more sense. You’re bleeding me dry aint cha, Rhonda?”

“AARRRGGGGG!! Dooku you moron!!! Couldn’t you wait to open your high-falutin’ mouth until I got some more expensive crap from him?”

“Oh dearie….eh…I think I’ll retire early tonight.”

“Doesn’t matter. I still have all the gifts and stuff you gave me,” she stormed over me. “You can’t take those away now.”

“Ya think, toots? I’m a Jawa, like my father before me.”

“I thought you said your father was a lemur.”

“Whatever. We Jawa’s are known for our iron clad contracts on gift returns. I’m in the commerce business. I have contacts with every vender you bought from. I’m sure everything can be returned nice and easy tomorrow. Don’t you worry your double mouths over it. Now….who set you up to this?”

Rhonda started sweating bullets. No, real bullets. 45 caliber. Weirdest thing I ever did see. Just then, Jar Jar came back in the room with a cup of tea that for some reason was smoking in Technicolor and smelling of Fruit Loops. “Heresa yousa nice drink, Dooku. Messa made it special for you. Muy muy tasty.”

“I ….I….” Rhonda stammered. “I need a drink.” She suddenly snatched up the steaming cup and downed the boiling liquid.

Rhonda froze where she stood. Her skin color turned from gray to green to bright red. Bullet shells were falling on the ground like a fountain. He mouths opened up wide and a hideous scream came out in stereo. She started flapping around the room like a rancor with its head cut off before racing to the Jacuzzi to plunge her head inside. Huge gouts of steam billowed forth.

“Oh dear. I guess I won’t be going in there anytime soon.”

When I stepped outside onto the patio…she was gone. Whether she decided to take that moment to escape or she simply…evaporated I guess I’ll never know. Oh well. At least she’s gone. Tomorrow I’ll return all that stuff I bought for her and everything will be okay.

I retuned back into the living room to see Jar Jar hand Dooku another cup of that steaming stuff. He took a sip. “Oh my yes, Jar Jar. Very nice indeed. Although it could use a little more chili sauce for my liking.” For some reason, Jar Jar looked a little disappointed.

I patted the Gungan on the back of the knee. “That’s alright, Jar Jar. At least we got rid of the ol ball and chain…. thanks to the Dookster here. Ya know. Maybe it won’t be so bad having you around after all."


Master Yoda said...

Robert Stack:

It was a sunny afternoon when Jawa Juice woke up to find a surprise in his bed - an Ithorian claiming to be his wife. Though JJ had no memory of marrying this person going by the name of "Rhonda", the proof of the wedding seemed incontrovertable.

Feeling trapped, JJ began crafting his plot to end his marriage and get rid of his new wife. Through the following re-enactment characterized by poor acting, silly dialogue, and extra spooky music, we will show you the events leading up to Rhonda's mysterious disappearance...

...Did JJ kill this con-woman claiming to be his wife? Or did she run away? Was Rhonda poisoned as part of an elaborate conspiracy? Or did she simply evaporate in the jacuzzi as JJ claims?

Perhaps we'll never know. If anyone has information regarding the whereabouts or the final fate of Rhonda, they are encouraged to call Unsolved Mysteries...

Chancellor Palpatine said...

I'm so glad the Dooku's visit is working out you.

As long as he's out of my hair, I'm happy.

flu said...

Wait... so her mending your underware was part of a scam?

WOW! She really had me fooled - taking it to the extreme like that.

Glad you found your way outta that mess... although now you got Dooku to deal with... and he probably won't do any housework, or sewing, or cuddling... uh, and if he does cuddle, i DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT, k?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I knew it! Didn't I say that she was after your brownie fortune!

I can't figure out that underwear part, though, either.

Noel of Neptonian said...

What some people will do for money...crazy.

Jabafatboy said...

Sounds an awfull lot like the woman, i think its a woman, that claims to be my jabainlaw.

Jango Fett said...

its crazy

Jedi Katt said...

Ew... I reli think that Rhonda should attend Master Windu's... class and it's something about... managing your own temper, I think

jedisiri said...

0_o wow master yoda you are sooooo amazing!

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

The british and their tea...

flu said...

good to see you back in the rounds