Mondays with Dooku: The Fine Art of Chess and Smiting Yoda

Good morning all. It seems that I have been keeping myself quite busy familiarizing myself with my old songs. Quite exhilarating, I must say. But it appears there is some ‘unfinished business’ I must attend to before I can fully devote my time to my music. That unfinished business? Why Yoda, of course.

It seems our last battle ended a bit prematurely without a clear winner. I intend to remedy that now.

I sallied forth a challenge to the old Jedi Master and would you know it, he agreed. This time it was my turn to name the conditions of battle and seeing my opportunity, I made for my advantage.

The battle will be decided like civilized people…over a game of chess.

The moment I declared my intentions, I could see Master Yoda begin to sweat. And with good reason. The little guy has not a shred of chess skill...or patients in him. With my superior chess knowhow, I will break his will.

Oddly, he accepted without delay.

We met at the local Howard Johnsons and set up the board. Master Yoda arrived late as usual.

“What’s the matter, ol chap? Were you having cold feet?”

“Cold feet, I do not have. For my bantha, a parking space I had to find. Parked in the handicap zone, finally I did. Because of my bunions, allowed am I.”

“Yes well, enough of the chit-chat, old chap. It is time that I give you the crushing defeat you so richly deserve.”

“Your butt-cheeks, the only thing you will be crushing, when serve you your defeat, I do.”

And so the contest began. It wasn’t long before I had cleared off half of his pieces including his queen. The Jedi Master was a worse chess player than I thought. This was almost too easy. Of course that didn’t stop me from cornering his king.

“Ahhh…I think I have you in two more moves, my old friend. Are you sure you don’t want to give up now and avoid any further public humiliation?”

“Give up, I will not. Almost have you, I do.”

I looked at the board stunned. “I…don’t see how that is possible, Master Yoda. You only have a knight and two pawns while I have almost all my pieces left. Your king is hopelessly cornered. I’m afraid you are in a bit of a pickle, old chum.”

“What the-?”

It was that damnable bantha just on the other side of the wall. Curse my luck!

Oh, the stench!