The Report and the Mission

Commander Oneida had just stepped into my living room. Qui-Gon was bringing her a glass of water. What ever it was that she came over to tell me, it didn’t look good. I sat down.

“J.J. …I ‘m here on official business. It involves your mother.”

“My ma? What happened? Is she all right?”

“I…hope so. But it seems she’s been…kidnapped.”

”Kidnapped? How? By who?”

“I think I should start at the beginning.” She took a sip of water. “Do you remember at the Big Brother House that room of yours? You know, the holographic painted one to look like a tropical island?”

“Are you kidding? Sure. I was even considering doing the same in my room here. Why?”

“Do you remember the monkeys that Obi-Wan brought in when he was staying in that room?”

“Uh…yeah.”

“Well, it seems that when you left, being the last person in that room, those primates had a little….uprising. Now, I called animal control and they came over and cleared them out before any of them could pose any real trouble. They took all of them away, guns and all. All except the leader and his right hand man…eh…chimp. It seems they escaped.”

“And you only noticed it now?”

“Well, they do look a lot alike. I didn’t think much of it until I got a report the other day. It seems the simian leader Tony Soprana-banana and his second in command, Guido have been discovered on the planet of Muggmur.”

“Okay, so have some of your clones go down there to grab em? What does this have ta do with me?”

“We can’t. Muggmur is an outlaw planet; untouched by our galactic laws. It is a haven for criminals of all types. Until we can devise a space station that can actually blow the whole world up, we can’t land there.”

“Yeah, a space station to blow up a planet. That will be the day.”

“Uh…yeah. Heh heh.” She laughed nervously. “What a silly thing.”

“I still don’t see what this has to do with me…or my ma.”

“It seems the primates were the genetically engineered result of some mad person who wished to use them to take over the galaxy. After the failed first attempt, Tony Soprana-Banana and Guido had no place to go but to return to the person who created them.

Your uncle….Crazy Uncle E’etooi!!!

“My Uncle…again?”

(For those of you who think they missed an episode in JawajuiceJumpUp, those adventures could be found in the cyber pages of both Yarael Poof’s and Jar Jar’s blogs in epic stories told throughout the end of last year. Read ‘em! They’re bitchin’!)

“And he’s the one who kidnapped your mom.” Oneida finished.

“But how do you know this?” Asked Qui-Gon.

“We intercepted this message. Apparently meant for you, J.J. He wants you to come to Muggmur and meet him alone…face to face. If you do that…he’ll let your mom go.”

“Woah…dude. It’s a trap,” Qui said in his best admiral Ackbar impersonation. “He obviously wants to kill you for foiling all his past plans. And like…he’s got chimps with him too.”

“So you thought I can go there and take care of him for ya, is that it?”

“We have a ship waiting to transport you right now. Unfortunately the Republic can’t land on that planet to help you, though. You’ll be facing him all alone.”

“Not all alone…” I said eyeing my new lightsaber.”

“Then you’ll go?” Commander Oneida asked.

“Yeah. I think it’s time me and my Uncle had a little….quality time together.”

“Great. I was hoping you would say that. Um…can I use your bathroom before I go?”

“Sure thing. It’s the first door on your right.”

After she left the room, Qui-Gon leaned in close to me. “Dude…Do you want me to come along with you? I mean…chimps man, chimps!”

“Naw. You hold down the fort here. I’ll be alright. I just got to show ol Uncle E’etooi my new present, that’s all.”

“J.J. That’s like, revenge man. Revenge leads to the dark side of the force.”

“But I’m not a Jedi. I’m just a jawa with a lightsaber, remember?”

“Oh…yeah. Well I guess that’s okay.”

Just then Oneida came back out into the living room. “Uh…J.J. There’s a squirrel in your bathroom.”

“Oh I’m sorry. Did I forget to flush again?”

“No no. A real squirrel. -I think.”

My eyes grew bright as I raced into the bathroom to find…

Yado, the Nuteye Knight Master!