Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A Meeting of the Snack Minds

After spending a few days at ‘Watto’s’ clearing my head, I knew it was time to finish putting thing to right with my little snack empire. Qui-Gon, Fluke, Han and I had secured enough spice to choke a rancor but there was still the problem of McDooku’s. (Still ongoing here.)

I thought it was time to cut to the chase…and go to the top.

Scene: Palpatine’s office

Palps: Why J.J….what an unexpected surprise.

J.J.: It couldn’t have been that unexpected. I’ve been in your waiting room all morning. That Gran secretary of yours just kept giving me the eyes.

Palps: Yes, well…it is so hard to get good help these days.

J.J.: Ya, sure. Oh, here you go.

Palps: What’s this? Oreos?

J.J.: Ya. It’s a gift box. I hear you just had a kid or somthin’.

Palps: Ahh, I see. No that would be my nanny, Tahara Jade.

J.J.: You mean you ain’t the father?

Palps: I should say not. It seems she got involved with…let’s just say she got knocked up. But I’m offering to help her out because she’s so good with little Maul.

J.J.: Ya ya. Let’s not get all Family Affair, Uncle French. I came here for a business proposition.

Palps: Indeed? And what could a lowly peasant jawa have to interest me?

J.J.: A mutual interest…snack foods. I’ll get right to the point. This feud we have going on Serenno is costing both of us money. I know Dooku works for you. I know McDooku’s is a subsidiary of Dark Side Foods® to which you are standing chairman of.

Palps: Yes. That’s nothing new. What do you want? I’m a very busy man. I’ve got a galaxy to dest-….eh…I’ve got to pick up some diapers for Tahara.

J.J.: Just this, my oh so sneaky senator…That we end this feud now. Today. I want your word that Dark Side Foods® will no longer offer any kind of sweet snack or dessert.

Palps: What? You must be mad?

And that you will close down some of your McDooku’s especially along the inner part of the outer most inner rim where most of our snack stores are located. I have no problem with you keeping the stores on the outer part of the inner most rim. In exchange, I will allow McDooku’s to start offering ‘Uncle Jinn and J.J.’s Super Fudgy Special Spiced brownines ™©’ to be sold in your restaurants where you can keep half of those profits.

Palps: This is absurd. Why should I agree to these terms?

J.J.: Because I don’t think a senator and fast food mogul will want the public to know about this….

Your little love tryst with a certain Jar Jar Binks!

Palps: But…I was…we were just…everyone experiments with other species once in a while…we had too much to drink…hey! How did you get that picture anyway? We were on our honeymo- eh…I mean…business vacation.

J.J.: That, my friend, is not important. What is important is that I have more pictures like these. It would be a shame if they were leaked to the public…wouldn’t you say?

Palpatine then gave me a menacing stare that nearly made me piss my robe. But I held my ground. We both knew the stakes.

Palps: Yes…I suppose so. I underestimated you, young J.J. You are more resourceful than I gave you credit for. A mistake I will not make again.

J.J.: So do we have a deal?

Palps: ….very well. For the time being.

We then shook hands. Man, that guy’s got clammy hands. Eeeesh.

Palps: You know…you would make a good business partner, J.J. I could use someone of your…cunning nature. Perhaps we should join forces…we could-

J.J.: I don’t think so, Palps. Besides…your 401k plan sucks Mynock ass.

Palpatine looked down, ashamed.

Palps: Yes…unfortunately it does.

J.J.: Well, I got to go. Enjoy the oreos.

Palps: Thank you. Enjoy your life…or what’s left of it.

J.J.: Whatzat?

Palps: Oh, nothing. I’ll see you on the squash court.

As I left his office I could have sworn I heard him cackle. Maybe it was the secretary.


flu said...

They do make a cute couple.

JJ, I didn't know you could be so cutthroat! I like the way you schmoozed him with the oreos right before you lit up your big stogie, stood in his chair, and blindsided him by swinging the hammer down.

In other news - You play squash?

Chancellor Palpatine said...

{smack, smack, snarf}

Tahara! Bring me some milk!

{snarf, smack, snarf}

Jo Jo The Monkeyboy's Ghost said...

Ew, that thing in the metal bikini sure is ugly!

Just kidding, me an' Jar Jar's great pals! He's showing me how to do those tounge tricks and I'm showing him how to chug a banana daiquiri (although they go right through me)

Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

jedisiri said...

not only cute,they are SPECIAL!

Jar Jar Binks said...

But- mesa- hesa- wesa wassen jussen- Issen a fake! Issen noah real! Issen-
*Jawajuice shows him another photo*
Er... Issen wassen platonic! Purely platonic!
*Jawajuice shows him the rest of the film*
Oh, forgetten itsa...

Qui-Gon Jinn said...

Oh wow,
JJ, man, you're, like, dealing with the devil, man. Can't we like do like one of those McDooky Flurrys? Bombad Blastin' Brownie? Something really cliche...
But to talk to Palaptine... He gives me, like, creeps, Scoob... I mean, JJ.
Can we all just, like, get along?

Leia said...

Hang a min - I thought Jar Jar was Anakin's father. I guess this really messes things up don't they?

owenlars said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
JawaJuice said...

you're right.
You do such a fine job of it yourself.

JawaJuice said...

You're a 40 year old c**ksucker, J.J. Don't call me out in other people's comments, a**hole!

Owen Lars
September 07, 2005 10:08 PM

(Sorry. Had to put out a cleaner version of the deleted post above.)