There. You done yet? Okay. Now you can read on…)
Roaches…why did it have to be roaches?
All I wanted to do was clean up Obi-Wan’s dump of an apartment. Not do battle with thousands of diabolically intelligent roaches. Who knew so many of them lived in here? I suppose it was easy to miss them under this layer of filth and clutter, but still… And what’s with their leader? A giant albino roach with a monocle? Who does he think he is? Marlon Brando? And while were at it, what’s with Qui-Gon calling the toilet the fresher? I mean really. Is there anything less fresh-like in the world? It should be called the stinker…or in Obi-Wan’s case the clogger. But I suppose I shouldn’t dwell on that. I think all the blood is rushing to my head hanging by this dental floss.
I tried yelling for ol QG. Nothing.
“I told you…your friend has been swallowed whole by the DAL-3K,” the pasty cockroach king spoke again, his little antenna twitching with excitement on my forehead.
“What do you want? Why are you doing this?” I asked in clichéd hostage format. “You’ll never get away with it!” I had to add. Clichés, you know.
“You and your little ghostly friend have caused a lot of trouble since you’ve been here. We had the perfect kingdom of filth before you guys came along. Now look what you’ve done. The place is almost habitable! That is why you are going to return it to its former luxuriously nasty self.”
“Oh yeah?!?! And who’s gonna make me?”
He leaned in closer. “Oh, I will…”
“Oh yeah??! You and what army?”
He raised a gangly arm around him. Oh yeah. I forgot. I got to stop with these damn clichés. They get me deeper in trouble every time.
“And what if I refues?”
“Well then, it looks like we’ll just have to start laying eggs in your ears and eyes. Ralph!”
A bloated cockroach stepped up. “Yes SAH!!!
“Check this jawa’s ears and eyes. Make sure he has no mighty-mighty-mightit-biteme’s. I would hate to cure such an affliction inadvertently.
“Right away, sah!”
“Alright! Alright! I’ll do what you ask. I’ll return this place to the way it was.”
The monocled cockroach smiled deviously. “As I knew you would…”
The little buggers let me loose. But when I stepped out into the living room, I was flabbergasted. The place was pristine clean. I mean really clean. I mean I had no idea Obi-Wan had white carpets clean.
“Return it to its normal state of grime and filth before Cheetoed one returns.
I looked at the clock. I had maybe an hour before Obi-Wan would come back home. “That-that’s impossible. I need help. You got to release my buddy Qui-Gon.”
“Oh no. He stays where he is…trapped in the belly of the DAL-3K!!! …as insurance.”
“Qui!!” I yelled at the hardware. “Can you hear me? Are you all right?”
“……I think so. It’s kinda like the apartment when we first came here…only smaller. But the frogs are nice to me.”
“Time is running out…”
“I know, I know…I just need some…Hey! I got it. Let me make just one call…”
He was reluctant but I could see in his tiny eyes that he desperately wanted his home back the way it was. So I did the only thing I could do. I made a call to some friends.
“Frick! Frack! Quick! I need you to…eh…fix this place.”
“Why should we? The place looks fine.”
“yeah…there’s nothing wrong here.”
I slapped my forehead in aggravation.
“OoO! That’s right, he’s a secret member. He knows the secret password. All right, bossman. We’re all yours!”
And just like that, the two members of F.O.O.F. sprang into action fixing the place up in their usual way. In no time flat it was back to its discussing, dilapidated self…Cheetos and beer cans and all.
After the two nimrods took my phony check, I confronted the white roach. “There. It’s done. Just like it was…maybe even worse. Now free my friend.”
“Hmmmm….very well. I am a roach of my word. He scurried up the DAL-3K and pressed a button. Out came Qui-Gon in plume of Cheeto dust that covered the apartment in a wonderful finishing touch. His poncho was stained and I think there were some frogs stuck in his cowbell but overall he looked okay.
“Now, I want you two to leave the premises tomorrow. We can’t afford to take the chance of you falling back into your clean ways,” demanded the white roach. “We have a perfect eco system here. The Jedi provides us with a living habitat and in return we don’t lay our eggs in his shorts.”
Suddenly the door began to open. Thousands of cockroaches darted into the corners under the new layer of grossness.
Obi-Wan walked in with a bag of spicy Cheetos and a six pack. I smiled up at him.
“Eh….What do you mean Obes?”
“The place…..look at it.”
I surreptitiously took a look around then smiled back nervously. “Eh…what’s wrong?”
“It looks disgusting. Did you have a party while I was gone and forget to invite me?”
Whiew! Thanks to F.O.O.F. we’re saved again.