Friday, November 18, 2005

My Wife the Hammerhead

Yeah, you read that right the first time. Sometime during my five day drinking binge at Watto’s Casino and Resort I somehow got hitched to an Ithorian. How this happened, I ain’t quite sure but I think we met while betting on the Hutt sumo wrestling.

Now she’s here in my home…sleeping in my bed and eating in my kitchen and showing off her new….ring?

“Holy crap!! Did I pay for that?”

“Why of course, sweetie-pea. Don’t you remember? We got it from Watto himself.” She fluttered her gangly fingers in the air.

“How much did that flying tick want for it?”

“eighty-five thousand.”


“But you told him your love for me was greater than that and said he would have to take an even hundred for it.”

“Woah, dude. You must have really been wasted to haggle up like that.” Qui-Gon mentioned while pouring himself a second cup of tea.

“Gee, ya think?” This was just too much for me to process on a hangover. I needed some time to think. “I…I think I’m going to go back to bed…”

“oooh…Does that mean you’re wanting a little more…Hammer-Time?”


“Eh…on second though…I think I’ll just take a shower….alone…”

I stepped out of the kitchen and slowly wattled back to my living quarters. Now what do I do? I got a wife…what was her name again? Rhonda? Rhonda the Ithorian. Good God, could my life get any worse.

“Uh…J.J. …” I heard Qui-Gon’s ethereal voice drift up behind me. “Uh…can I ask you something?”

“Ohhh…I suppose so. What is it?”

“So like…I’m your best friend and all right?”


“So like…why didn’t you invite me to your wedding and all, man. I would have like…baked some special wedding brownies and all had I known.”

“Hey, If I had known I was getting married to…that…I would have stabbed myself repeatedly until I resembled swiss cheese. I was wasted, Qui. I was out of my freaking head with booze and death sticks and god knows what else. The last thing I remember was sitting in a pool ordering drinks. …And that was just the first day. Who knows what else I did while I was there. But I certainly wouldn’t have gotten married to Miss Black n’ Decker in there!”

Just then…she stepped into the hallway…

Ah jeez…here come the tears…


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Don't fall for it, JJ. It must be a setup. She slipped you a roofie and is after your brownie empire!

Master Yoda said...

How Ithorians cry, that is not. How they vomit that is - out of their eyes. (The reference, what is?)

Chancellor Palpatine said...

Now you know how Britney Spears felt after her 1st marriage...

flu said...

Please JJ, don't hurt 'er

JawaJuice said...

Yoda...I was wondering what that stench was.
That is just so wrong. She's upset...and bulimic!

Master Yoda said...

Guessed the reference in my comment, no one has?

Anakin Skywalker said...

Yo, don't never say you didn't wanna marry a girl anywheres they might overhear. Jus means you're gonna be in for a world of hurt, yo.

Girls kick an pull hair.

Shaak Ti said...

Hah ha?