Sunday, March 12, 2006

Monday's with Dooku: The Great Magic-Off!!

Hello and welcome to Coruscant’s first annual Magic Off!!!

I’m your host, Dill Dixby who will be calling the action packed shots…eh…shot by shot. But first. Let’s say hello to our panel of three magical judges who will be grading our contestants on style, aptitude, and originality.

Let’s give a warm welcome to…Mr. Harry Potter- Student extraordinaire from Hogwarts School of Magic.

Mr. Gandalf the Gray of the ancient order of Istari, lesser Maiar and all around grumpy old man.

And finally….um…is this right? Oh…okay. And our third judge….Magic Johnson, who I can only guess we got because his first name is Magic.

Now let’s bring out our contestants. Our challenger for today is that Sith lord of fast food, The Count of Dooku!

And our defender is that founder of the new jedi order wannabe…the great Flukeizmo!!!

Okay, you both know the drill. You each have two minutes to complete each of the three challenges that will be presented to you. Afterwards, our judges will score your endeavors on a scale of 1 to 10 with ten being the best. The person who scores the most at the end of the contest wins the title of super tremendous, brilliantly wonderful, splendidly excellent, superbly terrific magical person of the year and gets this cheap plastic award. Are you ready? Great. Let’s start…the Magic-Off!!!


Your first challenge to both of you is to test your skills of dexterity and slight of eye.

Fist up…Dooku.

And it looks like he’s going for the classic “pulling something out of his hat” routine. Not too original but a crowd favorite. Yes…he’s taking off his top hat and making a display of rolling up his sleeves. He’s reaching in. Is it a bunny? Is it a…? No! It’s a rancor!!! Oh well done. That will have the judges sitting up and taking notice.

Let’s go to the judges. Herry Potter…how did you score this?

H.P.: Well, it’s not as exciting as say a troll or a dragon or any of the other creatures I had to battle all by my self…

Yes yes, whatever kid. What’d you score him?

H.P.: I gave him a 7.

And you Gandalf the grumpus…

G.t.G.: That’s gray, you FOOL! In any case, I gave him an 8.

Very good, very good. And now Magic Johnson. How did you score our Count Dooku?

M.J.: Why, that was a slam dunk, man! I gave him a 10

Alright. Well, that gives you a score of 25 so far, Mr. Dooku.

Now it’s Flukizmos turn. As you know he’s quite good at slight of hand as you can see from this old clip of ours where he dazzled us with a card trick. I wonder what he will do tonight?

He’s got his hands out…he’s got one finger up… and he….

Transfers the one finger to the other hand…just like that!!!

And what did the judges score? Mr. Potter?

H.P.: Well, my friend Ron attempted something quite similar in his first year at Hogwarts where…

Yeah, we get the picture. What’s your score kid?

H.P.: I gave him…a 5.

Alright, and now Mr. Gandalf. What did you give our fine Fluky friend?

G.t.G.: It was a rather preposterous display. I’ve seen better finger manipulation from a Uruk-Hai prostitute. I gave him a 3.

Ooo. Tough scores. Magic…what did you give him?

M.J. Man! That was a slam dunk. I have him a 10!

Well… all right then. That gives Flukizmo a score of 18. He’s going to have to work hard to catch up now, though.

Now for the second challenge. This challenge will test our contestants on their ability to make something…disappear. Once again, the challenger Count Dooku will begin.

It looks like the count is selecting someone from the audience. …A rather pretty girl from the audience. And it looks like…it looks like…he’s giving her his phone number. And she’s blushing…but she’s nodding her head yes. Oh that’s a good sign. She’s now returning to the audience and it looks like Count Dooku is ready to start the challenge.

He’s taking off his cape…and he’s covering the huge rancor’s head with it. I’m not sure how he’s going to make the rancor disappear when we can still see the rest of his body…but wait. He’s doing something with his hands….and…he’s…tossing the cape aside. OHMYGOD!!! OHMYGOD!!! The Rancor’s head is gone!!! Now the rancor’s body has collapsed to the ground! Blood from its savored arteries is gushing everywhere. But this holiday bank crowd is going wild. They really enjoyed that one. Let’s hear what the judges have to say…

H.P.: Splendidly exiting. I wish I had thought of that when I enrolled in the triwizard tournament, I would have…

Look kid, no one cares. What’s your score?

H.P.: I gave him a 9

And now Gandalf?

G.t.G.: Finally a bit of talent. Unfortunately I got blood on my hat so I gave him a 7.

And Mr. Johnson?

M.J.: That was a three point shot if I ever saw one. So I gave him a 10 points.

And that brings Count Dooku’s score up to 51. Flukizmo is really going to have to impress the judges this time.

So next up…Flukizmo. And it looks like he’s ready for the challenge. He’s putting on a bandana…no, wait…it’s a napkin. And now a tray with a huge plate of what looks like spaghetti and meatballs is being wheeled out. The great Flukizmo is sitting down at a table and…yes! He is digging in to the meal with a ravenous apatite. Look at him go! I’ve never seen someone make a meal disappear so quickly. And….he’s finished with 35 seconds to spare!


H.P. It would have been better if he was eating Bertie Bott’s every flavor jelly beans but…

Look. One more silly reference to your life and I’ll have Dooku rip off your head, got it? Now what’s your score?

H.P.: ulp…um…7


GtG: Rather pathetic, actually, when compared to the skill of hobbits. I gave him a 4


M.J.: That was just another slam dunk. I gave him a 10!

…………… have no idea what you’re doing here, do you Mr. Johnson?

M.J.: Not in the slightest.

With the scores Dooku 51 and Flukizmo 36, we now come up to our final challenge. In this challenge contestants must transform something into something else. No slight of hand or illusion here, they must actually physically alter the existence of one object into another. Are you ready, Count Dooku?

The Count is nodding his head but he looks a bit stunned. I think he may have met his match here. Wait…he’s turning around…he’s hiding his face…and now…he’s turning back and….he’s changed himself! Look at that!

No wait. The judges aren’t buying it. Harry Potter?

H.P.: Why, that’s just a mask. Zero points.

G.t.G.: Hardly worth the effort of turning around. Simply appalling! Zero points!

M.J.: Wow! How’d he do that? 10 points.

Now it’s Fluke’s turn. He only needs 26 points to win. Can he do it? Flukizmo is pacing the floor. He’s starting to sweat….time is running out. Wait. It looks like he’s stepping over to Harry Potter…and he’s asking the kid for his wand…now he’s physically threatening him….AND IT WORKED! He’s giving Flukizmo his wand. Very irregular move but since this is a no-holds-bared contest, a perfectly legal move. He’s now walking over to the masked Dooku and tapping his head with the wand.

And times up! I don’t know what the great Flukizmo was trying to accomplish but is seems like nothing happened. This looks bad. The judges are discussed with him…but WAIT!! Count Dooku is taking off that ridiculous mask…and his face…IT’S BEEN CHANGED. HE’S CHANGED DOOKU INTO…A SLEESTAK!!


H.P.: 10

G.t.G.: 10

M.J.: 10

And that does it!!! Flukizmo wins with a score of 66 to 61. Simply amazing!!!!

Well, that’s if for tonight. The great Flukizmo will go home with this tacky trophy while I suspect Count Dooku will go home and play with pylons…or what ever sleestak do.

This is Dill Dixby saying goodnight and happy conjuring.

(and look for J.J. to be returning to his own blog later this week.)


A Army Of (Cl)One said...

"I’ve seen better finger manipulation from a Uruk-Hai prostitute."

once again I am reminded of why I shoul dnot drink coffee while reading anything you write. My nose is burning and there is coffe on the screen.

Thank goodness I am at work.

Vampirella said...

lol... I dont know what made me laugh more your post or AOC :P

flu said...


And that's all I have to say about that.

Now, to try to turn him back to an old wrinkly guy... unless you all start throwing money or lavish praise at me - in that case then I'll leave him be.

Jabafatboy said...

well somethin got pulled out of a hat around here !!

Jango Fett said...


Show me that trick again!

flu said...

Jango: Scroll up to the top and re-read...


Son Goku said...

Fluke here's the money you awsome person. enough money and praise?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

*slow clap*