Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Astrology (part 1 of 3)

Hey! J.J. here. Bet you didn’t know I’m a big follower of Standard Galactic Astrology. That’s right, the pseudo science of stars telling you what you all ready know to be true. I thought I might share with you some of the basic signs if you don’t already know them.

Unlike Earth Astrology (boy, did that planet get it wrong!) Standard Galactic Astrology uses fifteen major constellations to determine your personality type in three Modes (Spastic, Mellow and Indecisive) and in five elements (Gas, Bonfire, Pond-Scum, Rock, and Ether). Take a look and see which one you are.

MYNOCK –the Energy Leach
Jan. 1st – Jan. 25th
(Spastic, Gas)
Keyword: Boring

People born under the sign of the Mynock tend to be outgoing people who never have any money in their pockets when the bill arrives. You tend to borrow things without any intention of returning them. You like to hang around important famous people hoping others will think you too are famous and important. This rarely ever works.

Sometimes too affectionate, you tend to leave hickeys. As a child, you may have used to chew on extension cords.

If you are a woman, you tend to latch on to the first loser you meet and stick with him until every shred of happiness has left you. And even then you hold tightly to the shattered dream while drinking heavily. If you are a man, you live at home with your mom until you’re 60, play roll playing games and have yet to sleep with a girl.

Mynock people make good Slurpee operators.

–the Slug Master
Jan. 26th – Feb. 18th
(Mellow, Bonfire)
Keyword: Couch Potato

Those with Hutt characteristics tend to enjoy the simpler things in life: a comfy couch, good fast food, lounging with no clothes on, and occasionally watching someone get slaughtered. You tend to put on a happy face when deep down inside you are wracked with self doubt and inadequacy. You feel you will never measure up to others, and since you are almost always without any clothes on, you can see that that is correct.

Lucky in games of chance, you are a natural playa’ but may have strong urges to cheat.

You are shrewd with business dealings but you may be a poor judge of character. Your best friends may be bounty hunters. You mother may have had a tendency to be a banana slug.

You like small cute animals: kittens, bunnies, womp rats - anything you can stuff in your mouth.You enjoy eating and you may have a weight problem. With difficult aspects you may sweat like a pig.

Hutt people excel in organized crime or with difficult aspects may make good gas station attendants.

–the Dork
Feb. 19th – Mar. 14th
(Indecisive, Pond-scum)
Keyword: Gullible

Gungan types tend to spend most of their free time face first on the ground. You are not the most graceful of people and have a tendency towards breaking anything you touch. You would be well suited for a quiet desk job somewhere in the basement where no one has to look at you. You like nice clothes and good food but your idea of nice clothes and good food rarely matches those of the rest of the universe. You may travel a lot early in life and others lower on the food chain may think you scholarly.

You have a deep need to please other people, even at the expense of your own feelings. This duty to others should be encouraged since no one really cares about your feelings anyway.

You mother may have dropped you on your head when you were young – by accident or on purpose…it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes blessed with the Force, Gungan types are never-the-less forbidden to become Jedi (for reasons only the Jedi Council knows for sure). Jobs you may be good at: Senators and Dewback rodeo clowns.

RANCOR –the Grumpus
Mar. 15th – Apr. 8th
(Spastic, Rock)
Keyword: Emotionally Broken

Rancor personalities get through life by running face first into a wall. You hardly ever think things through, preferring to act first and ask questions never. Your favorite tool is the hammer. Your only tool is the hammer. Although if a hammer can not be found you will settle for a big rock. You can be a natural leader so long as you don’t have to say big words. You don’t get jokes.

You have a hard time controlling your anger and may want to look into self medication. You tend to prefer your dark, dank room rather than big open spaces. You may, at times, sleep under your bed or in your closet. When you were a child, you probably had trouble sharing with other children and enjoyed smashing their toys just to watch them cry.

You may have difficulty with relationships later in life being the strong silent type. You hate waking up early. You hate waking up.

You tend to have a black and white outlook on life: Those with hands and those who still have their hands attached.

With difficult aspects you may find yourself falling to the dark side. Good careers would include extortionist, demolitions, and zoo keepers.

–the Annoying Side-Kick
Apr. 9th – May 2nd
(Mellow, Ether)
Keyword: Get Lost!

People born under the sign of the Snivvian are almost always side-kicks. Your only purpose in life is to say a catchy, well-timed phrase or provide comic relief. You have no personality of your own. Most people find you utterly annoying and may stop at nothing to bring bodily harm to you simply for the sheer pleasure of it. You tend to have an annoying voice.

Don’t expect to get married. In fact Snivvian types should learn to not have any expectations at all. You may be prone to head colds. With difficult aspects you may like Polka music.

Snivvian people are almost always short. You tend to be studious and have lots of facts at your fingertips which no one cares about. Your taste in clothes is simply appalling. Most likely your parents took you to the park and left you there. Your best friends tends to be squirrels, but only because they think your nuts.

Your best carrier opportunity is that of a comic book dealer.

(More to come...)


flu said...

I never knew you were a Standard Gastric Asstrologer!

We've really got a lot in common, lil' buttie!

flu said...

re-reading post

Oh, wait.... Standard Galactic Astrology... oh... well, that explains why the rest of the post confused me so...

*forehead slap*

Leia said...

Uh oh. Gotta go change my birth certificate...

lol, nice job!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Sidekicks! Argh!

Captain Typho said...

This is one of your funniest posts, JJ. I can't wait to see the other signs!

JawaJuice said...

Thank you :)

jedisiri said...

wow it's fun!