An Unexpected Guest

Once again I find my self commuting from Tatooine to Coruscant in-between filming. This hopping back and forth is tiring but there’s always some paper work or some such nonsense to catch up on with our brownie business. At least it’s quiet here. No interruptions…no…

*Tap Tap Tap*

Now who could that be?

*Open door*

“Is it secret? Is it safe?”

“Aren’t you a little old for a girl scout?”

“Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks.”

“Ahhh, Mormon?”

“If you're referring to the incident with the Dragon, I was barely involved.”

“The wha-? Look, I think you might have the wrong…”

“A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.”

“Ahh…right. Look there is no Froofroo here. You can see that, can’t you?”

“Two eyes, as often as I can spare them.”

“Ooookaaaaay. Well then. My, it’s getting late. I got things to do now…”

“A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?”

“Look, I think you got the wrong address…”

“I suppose you think that was terribly clever.”

“Huh? What was?”

“I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain.”

“Now look, I…hey…that’s not even your line!”

“Fool of a Took. Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity.”

“Look, I don’t have time for this.”

“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide.”

“Yah yah, that’s great. Very inspiring. Let me show you the door. Now if you will excuse me…”

“My dear Frodo, Hobbits really are amazing creatures. You can learn all there is to know about them in a day, and yet after a hundred years they can still…”

*SLAM!!!!*

That reminds me; I got to put my name on the do-not-call list.

Enter...Flukizmo! Master of Magic

A few weeks ago, Fluke came over all dressed in black robes and he really freaked me out. No, he wasn’t turning to the dark side…at least not yet…instead he came by all excited and said he needed my help.

“eh…sure Fluke. Anything for a friend. That is…I won’t have to sell anything for half price, will I?”

“No no, nothing likes that.”

That was a relief. “Okay, so what’s up?”

I’m changing my name and changing my act.”

I only had a second to try and process what he said before he spread his black cloak out, revealing a glittery red lining underneath and wearing a sequence cummerbund. “From now on I will be known as…Flukizmo! Master of Magic!”

“Oh…I get it. They were having a two-for-one sale at the ‘Shock-n-Awe Shock Therapy Mart’ down the road and seeing as how you had some extra time…”

“Wrong! Flukizmo! Master of Magic will now demonstrate his amazing powers for you to crouch in pure disbelieveablittity!”

“eh…is that a word?”

“Quick! Pick a card.” He then shoved a deck of cards in my face. I guess he was playing with a full deck after all. So I played along and picked something.

“Now remember that card and put it back in the deck anywhere.”

I did. He then shuffled the deck with a maddened glee on his face. Then, in true dramatic style he pulled out a card.

"THIS....is your card."
"Nope."
"It's not?"
"Nope."
He grabbed the deckand picked another card.

















"Then THIS is surely your card!"
"Eh...sorry Fluke, but..."
"Wait...wait..."



















"THIS is your card."
"No."



















"This one?"
"Wha-? ...whoa. eh...no."




















"This one?"
"No. um....could I see that last card again?"




















"This is your card."
"Sorry."



















"How about this one?"
"Nope."



















"...This?
"Nadda."




















"......?"
*Shake head*



















"Ya? Ya?"
"Uh Uh."



















"Are you sure it's not this one?"
"Are you sure it's not Yoda's?"



















"How about this one?"
"Nope. That's just...WAITASEC! THAT'S MY CREDIT CARD!
"ah-HA! So this is your card!" He then stood up in the middle of the room with his arms spread wide and yelled to the four courners of the room. "THE GREAT FLUKIZMO HAS DONE IT AGAIN!!!!"

It would have been a better trick if he didn't first max out my card on porn sites.

Trouble in the Temple

I remember my first visit to the Jedi Temple like it was a month ago.

The place was huge. I’ve never seen anything so big before. At least, that wasn’t a Hutt. I guess I got carried away with all the splendor, because the next thing you know I’m wandering around those halls and I have no idea where I’m at. It was getting late too and I know they don’t allow visitors after six.

I think I found the right path out when lo and behold, I see Master Yoda on the ground. He seemed to be wriggling and clawing at the carpet. I scanned the hallway but there didn’t seem to be anyone else around.

“Um….Master Yoda…Are you all right?”

“Hm? Yes. Fine, I am. Mind me not.”

“um…Master Yoda? What are you doing?”

“Eh….Lost a contact I have. Fell here, somewhere it did. Fine, I will be. Go now, you must. Closing for visitors, the Temple will be.”

I suppose he knew best but I really wanted to help him. I started to leave then thought better of it and knelt down beside him.

“No. No. Fine, I will be. Bother not, please.”

“Master Yoda….Is...is your face crazy glued to the carpet?”

He gave an exasperated sigh. “To the floor, my face is glued, yes. On my model airplanes, I was working on all night. On my nose, some glue must have gotten. Over my stupid feet, I tripped. Face down, I landed. Been here ever since, I have.”

“And no one has come to help you?”

“NO! no. No help I need. If other Jedi see me, much teasing I will receive. Better to wait until the old skin has fallen off.”

“Well this can’t be comfortable. Let me go get someone to help.”

“No. Forget you have seen me.” He then tried to wave his little green hand at me in a failed attempt to erase my mind, but seeing as his face was pushed against the rug his aim was a bit off. I side stepped his attempts and stepped back.

“Eh…almost free, anyway. Tell no one of this, please. Give you free tickets to Cats, I will.”

“I won’t tell, Master Yoda. I promise.”

I then took this picture.

When it gets developed, I won’t say a word.

Old Records

Man, I love Qui-Gon’s collection of music. I had to make a quick stop back at the pad to check up on our brownie business. It didn’t take as long as I thought so I had some time to kill before my shuttle back to Tatooine. I decided to go through some of Qui-Gon’s old vinyl records. He’s got a lot of good stuff; Three-Dog-Knight, Simon & Gundark, Fleetwood Max Rebo Band, Pink Fambaa, Tauntaun Petty, even new stuff like Barenaked Lobots, Linkin-Porkins, and Counting Clones.

And then I saw it.
A cheesy boy band type of album. I couldn’t believe it. What was Qui-Gon doing with this:

It had songs like “The Candy Cane Jedi”, “Love me, love my claw”, “I’m only as dark as your eyes”, “Sunny afternoon slaughter”, “Whine with me”, “(I’m just) Full of Hate and White Fluffy Bunnies”, “Be True to your Temple”, “You Light up my Lightsaber”, “He ain’t heavy, he’s my Sith-Lord”, “Farewell to Arms”, and “If you only knew the power of the dark side of my love.”

Hmmm…maybe it was a promo.

Windu you leave?

I hate running late.

Such was the case just days before I had to travel back to Tatooine to scout out locations for the game.

My roomie Qui-Gon was busy acquiring some spice from some old friend he knew. Said he had to meet him at his office before he joined the others on Tatooine. Funny, I never knew street corners could be used as offices. I’ll have to look into that.

I had just put on a fresh wool robe and was almost out the door when someone rang the doorbell. I needed to get to the transporter station soon or I would miss my shuttle. Like the traffic on this planet wasn’t bad enough.

I opened the door and my heart sank.

It was Mace. And it looked like he had been crying.

“Can I come in for a moment? I just need to…talk to someone.”

“Eh….I was just out the door…”

“Thanks.” He walked in with his shoulders all slumped. His head, which almost always glistened like a neutron star, even looked dull and lifeless. I glanced at my Toshy© swatch. Maybe if I took some of the back streets Anakin showed me…

“Did you know I’ve been a Jedi nearly all my life?”

“Eh…Ya. I think I read something like that…”

“I bet you didn’t know I didn’t always want to be a Jedi.”

“Eh…you’re right. Got me there. Wow, look at the time…”

“When I was younger…before the trials…did you know I wanted to be a hair stylist? But I didn’t. I chose the way of the force because that’s what was expected of me…but now…I don’t know. I feel like something’s missing…”

“Your hair perhaps?”

“No no. Something more. Some deep meaningful purpose that can only be satisfied by touching another persons scalp…lathering it up and washing it clean…cutting the hairs just right as to make the person come alive.” *Sigh* “Perhaps it’s just a silly dream. Everyone at the Jedi Council seems to think so. I’m tired of being thought of as Mr. Tough Guy…”

“When were you ever thought of as…Never mind. Is this going to take long?”

“I want to open up my own salon. I want to market my own line of nifty styling gels and moisturizers. I want to make a difference in this world. You see that, don’t you J.J.?” He grabbed my shoulders and drew me in close. I could smell the Preparation H he uses under his eyes to relieve the swelling.

“Oh…oh sure.” I nodded profusely. “Great Idea. Go for it.”

“You really think so?”

“eh…Ya. Like I always say, follow your dreams. Now…eh…I got a shuttle to catch.”

He then smiled at me and a tear ran down his cheek. “Thanks…that’s just what I’m going to do…once I get back from the game.” *Sniff*

He then wiped his nose on his robe and left all a tizzy. I glanced at my watch. Yup. Missed my shuttle. Sometimes I hate being so damn nice.

Guest Poster: Bail Organa

Important message: It seems that Senator Organa, who was suppose to fill in for J.J., never showed up to write his blog. We here at Coruscant Blogger Central would like to apologize on his behalf.

I guess he Bailed.

Sorry.

Long way to go for a stupid joke.

...J.J will be returning with the next blog.

Guest Poster: Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar here.
Now that I'm semi retired it looks like I have more time for the missus and the kids. Like the other night. Everyone wanted to go out to the new all you can eat seafood buffet that opened up around the corner. I told the little lady that I don't know -the place looks like it costs a lot of clams. She came back with a "boy, are you shellfish!" "Hey, it's not like I'm a famous bass player in a band. I only get paid scale." That shut her up. I swear she wants to start a fight every night. I think she does it on porpoise.
At that point all I wanted to do was get tanked. So the first thing I ordered was a giant margarita...just for the halibut.
Can't say much for the décor of the place but there were a lot of pretty gills around. I waved at one but the missus gave me the fish eye. After a while I wasn't feeling too good. I think the drink got my head swimming. The kids thought it was finny. I was feeling so bad I wanted to call a sturgeon. Just then the food came.
All you can eat seafood buffet...?!? I thought it was a place where us sea life could go and get a great deal! But no, they brought us a huge plate OF seafood!
Someone call a cod!
It's a trap!
Ack!

Note: J.J. would like to make an apology regarding today’s blog. Admiral Ackbar has been in fact dishonorably discharged, has no known family and is a loony. He can now be seen working as a parking meter on the corner of 38^th and Main.

And now, a public announcement...

We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog for this important announcement.

It has come to our attention here at Courisaunt Blog Central that some bloggers have been using doctored pictures in an effort for a cheep laugh. Such blatant falsehoods will not be tolerated and the perpetrators shall be tracked down and brought to justice, usually by placing them in a giant coffin with iron spikes.
Recently on the blog site 'the Chosen One', a completely doctored picture depicting one Anakin Skywalker covered with sand was posted.


















This picture is absolutely untrue. As you can see by the mark down the middle, it was a cheep splice job to depict a totally fabricated scene.

We here at Courisaunt Blog Central have found the real, untouched picture and as a service to the public, now present it too you in its full glory.




















I hope this clears up many misconceptions that other post might have brought up.

C.B.C.

Guest Poster: Where's Watto?

Hey! What-a-ya-know! Who would have given oddz that I wuz gonna do a blog, eh? Not me! Heh heh... But eez like this, ya see? J.J. ...ee is an old buisnez partner, eh? We go back long wayz, eh? We use ta market econo-power converters, ya know? Try to undercut Toshi © for our share of the market, ya? Heh...heh...Those stupid people at Toshi... They don't gotta no business sense. They know nothin'!
So anyway...eh... I gotta call from my ol buddy J.J. , eh...ee needs someone to fill in for him, eh? I said how much.
What!?! You think I'da do this for free? Get outta here...
So...eh...we come to a mutual agreement and eh....here I am.
It's no wonder ol J.J. went missing just recently, eh? Look at the crowd ee hangs out with nowdayz. Much trouble they are, eh? And a taco shy of a combo plate too. I meeen, look at 'iz roommate...'eez the one who swindled me in the first place! Made me take that stupid bet. He tricked me! Now I 'ear eez a ghost, right? Ehhh....serves em right. Ee was always trying to give me spiced brownies, eh? Spice brownies?!?! What good are spice brownies to a Toydarian? We don't get affected by such things...that's why we only drink beer. Heh...heh...lotz of beer.
Then therez Ani, eh? ...Little cute Ani. Ee waz my livelihood, eh? Now look at 'em. Runnin' around...busting things like peoples caps, eh? Whatz a matter with you?!?! Ya can't go around bustin' up the merchandise...thatsa no good for business.

Then therez also Obi Kanobi, eh? Ee waz just a junior Jedi when I last saw em. Now look at 'em!! Eez...eh...well...eeesh! Eez really let himself go, hazen't ee? Whatz with all the drool and funny noises and Cheeto fingerz? What are you trying to do? Scare off the customers? But, eh...if you need a nice hand crafted drool cup...24 karats, eh...I think we can fix you up good, whatta you say, eh?

Therez so many others too, ya know? Like, eh...what iz a Mace and why iz ee always crying? And this Fluke, eh? What iz a Fluke anyway? You should never bet on flukes, eh? Only bet on sure things. Thatz how you make the money!
And finally...this little green toad that keeps hoppin around saying thingz all backwards and such. Ee no make no sense, ya know? Everyone sayz ee is a wise and valuable Jedi Master, eh? If ee so valuable, why does ee 'ave a stick for a cane? Why dosen't ee invest in something nice like this hear titanium and pearl beauty I got. Only two hundred creditz, eh? A great bargin. I'll even trim a few inches off for you, if you like.

One thing though...J.J., ee hang around alota pretty women, eh? And in all the colors of the rainbow too. They're like a bunch of Skittles only taller, eh?

Ahh well...it looks like J.J. iz doing well for 'em self these dayz. Got 'em self a good business, eh? Well I'ma not doing to bad myself. These wings of mine havea been busy too, ya know? I got me a little casino just outta town. Nice place, eh? Itza called the Dune Sea Oasis Casino and Resort, eh? Owning a spare space parts shop wuz fine and all but this...?
This 'earz makin' me credits fist over wing, eh? I even put in a second pool in the back just for Wookies, eh? People come from systems around just to see the place.
Sometime when all of you aren't too busy saving the universe or playin' patty-cake, you should come down and take a looksy, eh? Maybe a nice vacation, eh? Play a little at the tables too, eh? Heh...heh...heh, I thought so.
Just see me, eh? I'll give you a good deal.
What?!? You thought I waz gonna give away the rooms for free just coz you know me? Get outta here!

Hookay...wherez my money for this piecez a crap...?

Back to Normal ....more or less.

Props to Anakin (as the kids say these days), for finding and rescuing me from the evil clutches of Pimp master Calrissian. I was held in a fur-lined cell with nothing to wear but Victoria Secret hand-me-downs, I was beginning to think I was Mace Windu. (oops...eh, was that thing you told me a few weeks ago confidential, Mace ol buddy?)

So thanks for taking care of that Lando guy (and all this time I thought he was a system), so as a reward you have a free year's supply of Uncle Jinn & J.J.'s Special spiced brownies ™! Plus, you can hang out here at pad anytime you need a place to crash away from the old lady. ...or Padmé.

Thanks also Q-J, for sending up a flair. I got your back, man.

Anyhoo. Looks like things have gotten kinda weird while I've been away. How long has Obi-Wan been doing his impersonation of a plate of jello? When did Fozzy Bear become a Sith Lord? Who's this Nick Fury wannabe? And what's up with Han these days? Every time he sees me, he gets this weird hungry look in his eyes and starts smacking his lips. It's kinda creeping me out.

All the brownies are made for the month, Qui-Gon's gone off to practice his axe, I think after all the excitement I've been through (what with the rebellion and all (...?)), I think it's time I took a nice long rest.
So for the next few days, I think I'll get a few of my lesser-known friends to guest blog for me.
...It'll take me that long just to get this damned corset off.

Out of the frying pan, into the turkey broiler!

“You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here…”

“It’s the only one I got.”

“Don’t give me any of your lip, monk-boy. What are you doing here?”

“I ….uh…don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You better know. I’m a respectable bidnissman, now. Dis here’s my bidniss! Kiki, did the man pay you yet?”

“No Lando.”

“Did he drink any of the Colt 45 in the mini bar? You best not have drank it all up, monk-boy.” He then threatened me with his diamond crusted pimp cane. Naturally, I coward.

“Well, since we got here a non paying customer, looks like I got no other option then to make your ass work it off for me. Kiki, git me one of your small dresses. And grab me one of them 45’s while you’re at it.”

This was looking bad. Trapped god knows where and forced to work for Lando, the purple pimp machine.

What I need is a good rescue. Not just any rescue…I need someone with some street credit….someone with some mad-fly-Jedi skills…someone who’s not afraid to cut off some limbs…someone dope enough to hear my plea…

Hmmm…I wonder what kind of playa’ that could be…?

Back Street Blues

After three hours of having to play ‘tea party’ with the little girl who abducted me, I finally was able to escape out the window once the little house ape feel asleep.

Now I have no idea where I am. It’s late at night and nothing looks familiar. But with great relief to be free, I wandered the back streets of Corucant.

It seems I wandered into an area called the red light district, although I have yet to see any red lights. (Cos I could use a few for the warning lights on our ovens back home.)

Hmmm. Place looks kinda hard. Then this lady (I think) asked if I wanted a date. I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since this morning and I thought, ya, I could eat some fruit. So I said sure.

She led me back into a seedy looking building and into an even worse looking room.

Try as hard as I might, I didn’t see any food.I was about to ask her where the grub was when there was a sudden pounding on her door.

“Kikiattcha! Open up! I know you’re in there with someone!”

“You’re boyfriend?” I asked edging away from the door.

“Worse,” she said. “My pimp.”

“Kaki, I’ve come for my cut! Now open up!”

Just then the door flew open and there was the pimp all decked out in purple standing before me.

I think I'm in trouble...

Sucks being Short

The sun is out and the very air is abuzz with speeders. It's a fine day on Coruscant. Time to get by butt out of the apartment and take a good look at the city I now call my home.

Man, there's a lot to do around here. Just getting to the cross town shuttle I passed five bars, three clubs and a water park for Wookies. I think I'll pass on that one.

My first stop of the day, one of the largest thrill ride parks around: Six Flags over Coruscant. Brimming with anticipation, I plunked down my 85 credits at the gate and waddled in. This place had everything: anti-gravity bobsleds, quasar-speed rollercoasters, five mile high death-drop shoots, and a myriad of other twisty-thingies to make even the most stout hearted Jedi Master blow chunks.

Eager to become one of the screaming masses, I strolled up to my first ride. ...Only to be stopped by a sign.














No problem, I'll just find another one. But the next ride posted the same discriminating sentry. ...and the next...and the next. In fact everywhere I went that same sign was in prominent display. And I mean everywhere! If I wanted to pay 85 credits just to watch other people scream and shout while eating two week old crusty corndogs, I'd have hung out at Obi-Wan's place.

Then came the salt in my wound.
From somewhere behind me, I heard the shrill screams of a little girl in the throws of delight. I only had a moment to register the running child before I was lifted up in the air and tossed about like a rabid Gungan.

"Daddy! Daddy!" she screamed in my ear. "This one! This one! I want this one!"

Her dad stopped a passing park employee. "How much for the Cabbage Patch doll?"

The pimply-faced employee gave me a look of disbelief.

Yes! Finally someone with some common sense, someone who will rescue my dignity, someone who will...

"Ten credits."

"NO! WAIT! I am NOT a DOLL!" I screamed.

"Hmmm...It talks. 20 credits."

Money was exchanged and the next thing I knew I was being dragged out of the park by some sticky fingered girl with a lollypop shoved down my mouth.

I bet this sort of thing never happens to Yoda...

Come get some num-nums!!!

Well, here they are. After days of mixing and baking and packaging we finally finished our special brownies. -Let me tell you, it was no easy trick finding a gallon of vanilla extract at three in the morning. With Qui-Gons ancient recipe and my marketing skills, I think we have a nice little product to sell. What do you think?
Now I'm really off for a little vacation. -I need to get away from the "baking fumes" for a while and clear my head. First stop: Six Flags over Corucaunt.

mmmmm....bet ya can't eat just one...

Lord of the Bling

Buisness is good these days. I've finally developed a good base clientele on this planet. So much so that I've had to get a droid of my own to help me out with some of the more basic work. So I went and picked me up a TR8-SH-E (or Trashy for short). He's great to have around to help clean up after a big party too.

Living in Qui-Gon Jinn's old place has been the best! Not only is there a constant supply of food, but there's always this mellow music playing in the background. It's very soothing. Qui-Gon is also the best roommate. He always picks up after himself (actually, he doesn't even leave a mess...), he likes the same music and I do, and he doesn't spend long hours in the bathroom.

The only set back to my new enterprise happened yesterday. I got a call from the Speeder Safety Sales commission (the S.S.S.) about a claim filled by a certain Jar Jar Binks regarding some faulty speeder I sold him. It seems that dropping his " Grape Gonzo-Gulp" all over the controls wasn't to blame for the malfunction but was the direct result of my own modifications. Gee...imagine that. So it looks like I've got to pay out ten thousand credits to Jar Jar for the inconvenience and trauma. (Try getting eaten by a Dewback, I'll show you trauma....)
I suppose in the end it's all okay. As I said, buisness is good. I have a new helper droid, and even after the payout, I still have enough to take a little vacation.

First stop: Universal Jedi Temple Tours, Corusaunt.

I see dead Cheetos!

Oh, my poor head. That will teach me to drink too many Oo'tini's. Aayla's little sleep-over soiree was cool up to a point, but there is only so much crying I can take from Windu.
Now, before I got hammered, there were a few things I saw and happened to get on film for possible future blackmai-....eh, posterity.
First off, Anakin. I don't have a problem with him cutting his hair off again. What struck me odd is that he kept sneeking off into Aalya's bedroom and applying her make-up. At one point I even heard him say (in a particularly feminine voice), "Like, Ani! You are soo cute! We should go shopping together!"
















*Click* (...This will be used for my IRA account)

Later on I happen to see Obi-Wan and Padmé get a little friendly.

















*Click* (There's that trip to Jamaica I always dreamed of)

The night wasn't all about making money. I am happy to report that just before sunrise, Obi-Wan stumbled into the kitchen snacking on week-old stale Cheetos (always a big mistake even in the best of times), when suddenly he got that deer-in-headlights look. Usually I would just chalk that up to watching his usual 24 hour wrestling marathons, but this time it was different.
Perhaps it was the stale Cheetos, perhaps it was the lack of testosterone at the party, who knows--but at that moment, Master Kenobi finally saw his old mentor Qui-Gon.

He stood there pointing in the air with a look of pure bliss on his face.
"...Master?"
"That's right, dude...it is I. Qui-Gon, your old mentor."
"....Master!"
"You can finally see me. That's so cool"
" Master!!!"
"Yes, what is it?"
"......pull my finger."