Thursday, April 27, 2006

J.A.W.A. Convention: Day 1

Ahh…Tatooine. Bright sun, burning air and miles of sand to get into those hard to reach places.

It’s been a while, but I thought it was time to drop in on the annual J.A.W.A. (Junk-dealing Associates With Ambition) convention. Especially since this year I’m one of three jawa’s up for their famed Jawa of the Year award. A very prestigious award, I might add. And although they don’t provide transportation (which is okay, I’ve racked up a lot of frequent flyer miles with Jawa Express), they do set everyone up at the beautiful Watto’s Dune Sea Desert Oasis & Casino.

I asked Qui Gon if he thought he could take a break from his busy schedule of opening jars of food, cans of beer, bottles of milk, boxes of cat litter, drawers of clothes, bags of mulch and come along with me. Thankfully, he released a heavy sigh and said yes. I really wanted to show him around at what I used to do and he seemed genuinely interested. Of course the Olympic size pool and huge gambling casino didn’t hurt in his decision either, I think.

The whole convention was to take place at Watto’s for an extended three day weekend. Day one was just for arrival, unpacking and mingling. Time to say hello and maybe make a few deals. Man, the place was packed!

At first Qui was a little freaked out by how crowded it was and so I let him wander off for a while. At first, he stopped in the casino, opening slot machines as he walked by…much to the gratitude of the people playing them as they franticly followed him, scooping up credits. That is until the casino owners asked him to leave. I don’t think he even realized what he was doing. He did, however, find the hotels huge indoor tropical arboretum and seemed genuinely happy to sit by the man made waterfall surrounded by leafy things and fluttering birds. I haven’t seen him that relaxed in a while.

So I decided to make the most of it and mingle with my other jawas. I even saw a few old chums. One of the biggest surprises was seeing my old Sandcrawler driver and right hand jawa, Je’bubb. Man, has he let himself go.

It seems he too quit the droid repo life like me and decided for a more sedentary job as a speed bump on the corner of 5th and Lux’on.

“The pay is okay,” he told me as we stood pool side. “And I can set my own hours, but it still can be a dangerous job. Especially if you have to work a busy street. Now take Ko’lux…you remember him, don’t you?”


“Well, he too got a job as a speed bump not too long ago…but on the busiest street in Mos Eisley. Now look at him…” He showed me a picture.

Jawa road kill. You just hate to see that.

As the sun went down, we all herded into the dinning area to feast. And what a feast it was. The chairmen of J.A.W.A. didn’t spare any expense.

Afterwards, we were also given tickets to the resorts big fight being hosted that evening. It’s been ages since I saw a good fight at a ritzy hotel and this one looked especially good. Rocko the Rancor vs. Killer Kratt.

Eh….the rancor won.

Tomorrow, the convention will focus on new machines and droids and the latest junk to come out or be stolen. While the last day will focus on the J.A.W.A. seminar itself where, at the conclusion, the award of Jawa of the Year will be handed out. I wonder who the other two finalists are and what they’ve done?

Monday, April 24, 2006

Promos, Letters and Drunk Squirrels

Well, I’m home again. And not a moment too soon. Sure it was fun wielding my new lightsaber all around against crazed primates and my unhinged uncle, but I think it’s time to get back to normal.

I came home to find my I-SUC droid still not talking to me. For some reason he blames me for his new legs catching on fire, but that’s nuts. I was trying to put out the fire. You would think he really wanted to shut down permanently.

The first thing I wanted to do was jump in our hot tub and have a nice long soak. So I got out of my robes, walked out onto the balcony and what do I find…?

“Yeah man, Yado like went on a binge drinking MGE,” Qui Gon said as he drifted up behind me.


“Miller Genuine Ether beer. It’s like…the only beer available in the ether man. It’s always warm too. Kinda sucks.”

“Why did he…?”

“I don’t know man. After you left he just kinda got a little depressed or something. Don’t know. Oh…but I’m glad you’re back. Take a look at this.”

Qui floated through the walls back inside. I quickly followed through the door. He stopped in the kitchen and took a jar of pickled pig’s feet and opened it, dumping out the pink jellied contents in the sink. “Um….I’ve seen you do that before, Qui ol buddy.” I told him none too impressed.

“What?” He looked down in the sink. “Oh…um…no that wasn’t it. Um…no, the new Uncle Jinn & J.J. tee shirts have arrived, man. Take a look at them.”

“I got to admit, they are pretty snazzy. You did a great job designing them, QG.”

“Oh, wow, I’m sorry. I’m going off on all this and I haven’t even asked how your mission went.” He said concerned as he opened a can of pickled herring to accompany the pig’s feet. Where did we get this strange food, anyway?

“It all worked out in the end. Let’s just say my uncle won’t be bothering us until sweeps week rolls around again. Anything else new happen here while I was gone?”

“No, it’s been pretty quiet, man. Except for Yado’s snoring. Oh….wait…you also got more mail from J.A.W.A., man.”

J.A.W.A.: Junk-dealing Associates With Ambition…or at least that’s what it stands for now. I swear I think they change that acronym every month. I use to belong to them when they were just Juiced-up Ass-holes With Attitudes. Ahh…they’ve come a long way.

“What do they want man?”

”Probably want me to contribute to their annual fund raiser.” I open up the letter half heartedly and read the contents. “Holy Smokes!! They want me to come to Tatooine this weekend at their annual J.A.W.A. convention. It seems I’m a candidate for their most successful Jawa of the year award!”

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

(okay...I'm gonna take a nap now. I'll be back in one week...)

Monday, April 10, 2006

99 Bottles of Beer Posts on the Wall

Well, here I am. Flying off across the system to face my deranged Uncle E’etooi and his two militant primates of doom on the planet Muggmur. Just me, a tiny business jawa and my new lightsaber against the forces of evil. How do I get myself in these situations?

Life has certainly gotten more complex since I left Tatooine lo these many months ago. Flying across the galaxy certainly has given me time to reflect on it.

My life is so different now than it was growing up. I was one of eight jawas in a trailer park just south of the dune sea. My da was always working the droid repo circuit leaving my mom to take care of us back home. Of course we had an extended family staying with us too which meant us kids were sleeping in shoe boxes in the closet. But for the most part we were okay, (despite living next door to a family of Hutts). Uncle Noob was always nice to me and Great grandfather Oop’shaw taught me how to smoke my first cigar. Even Crazy Uncle E’etooi and his mentally incompetent wife, Krip’ooi, weren’t so bad back then.

As the years rolled on, I took over my father’s Droid repo business. That wasn’t so bad, although I did have to work with a bunch of losers who only wanted to use the sandcrawler for monster-crawler pulls.

It wasn’t until I got arrested selling illegal Susan Powter laserdiscs that I decided I had had enough of this dustball. I needed to leave and see the world. Ironically, it was Uncle E’etooi in one of his saner moments that bailed me out of jail and sent me off to Coruscant to manage some property once owned by a Jedi Knight. Who knew that move was going to change my life so much. Once there, I met all sorts of new people. Master Yoda, Master Windu, the beautiful blue Aayla, Fluke, Obi-Wan. The list was endless. I had come home. My new home.

I had to make a living so I started off pimping up other people’s speeders. Some with good

results…some not so good.

But the best thing by far that happened to me was the unexpected friendship of my penthouse apartment’s former tenant…the now force-ghost Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui and I hit it off right off the bat. He was the perfect relaxed counterpart to my “too much business” side of me. At first, I was the only one who could see him, but soon enough others like his

old padwan began to discover him…with mixed results.

With Qui and I, it wasn’t long until we hit upon our calling…making ‘special spiced’ brownies!

Of course our new job didn’t stop us from enjoying the finer things in life…like our love for music and our extensive record collection.

After a while I began to branch out with other hobbies, like my armature horoscopes.

Not to mention making money through my hosting the reality game show Survivor:Tatooine as well as being a participant in Big Brother: Naboo. Of the two, I’ll take hosting any day. Playing in those games can be a…um….pain in the ass.

But it was the brownie business that really started to take off. Big enough that I was starting to challenge the other big snack boys.

Then there was the time I had th

e Friends of ol Fluke (F.O.O.F.) remodel our apartment. –um…note to all those out there that may want their place refurbished in the near future… Don’t use college student, D&D gaming, still live with their mom, fanatical Fluke stalking dorks to redo your home. Trust me; you just won’t like the results. Even worse, while Frick and Frack played havoc with our walls, Qui and I were forced to bunk with Obi-Wan at the temple. Ohh….the horrors.

Still, it couldn’t compare with the time I got so stinking drunk I wound up marrying an Ithorian named Rhonda. Only to discover weeks later that it was all a scam for her to take my fortune away. Thanks to Dooku, who recognized her and sent her packing.

Of course I almost lost our brownie empire when Qui-Gon and Dooku got set up for possession of spice without a permit (Thanks again to my shrewish ex-wife). So in order to regain our brownie making privileges we had to work in a brownie shop in the mall for seven hellish days.

Still, of all the escapades and adventures I have had since coming to Coruscant, none has yet to compare to the time I had to battle the sith ewok Darth Wuv and his master, Darth Lemur.

That was an epic for the books. With the help of Obi-Wan, Padmé, and Anakin, we traveled the space ways to defeat the hordes of stormlemurs from taking over the galaxy. Not to mention meeting Yado the Nuteye Knight squirrel who began my teachings down the path to THE FUR! Yes. It was a grand time.

Hmm… thinking back on all that has happened to me, I guess I’m amazed so much has happened in so little time.

But through the bad times and the good, one thing is for sure, I couldn’t have done it without my friends, both old and new. And although some have drifted away while new ones have come into the foreground, I have happy to call all of them my friends.

Which makes this little mission all the more ironic. This one…my confrontation with Uncle E’etooi…I have to do on my own. Just an ol jawa from the trailer parks of Tatooine gone to meet his destiny with his insane uncle.

I hope this doesn’t take long. I don’t want to miss Coruscant Idol.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Return of the Squirrel

“Yado!!! You’ve returned! It’s been so long.” My little squeaky voice cracked with glee.

“It is good to see you too, my Nuteye Knight Padwan.” Yado said with a smile before franticly biting his butt at a bothersome flee. “Damn things. Even if I’m dead I still get force flees. Is there no justice?”

“Woah….Yado. Like man, it’s so good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, Qui-Gon Jinn. The Force has been good to you. You’re hair is so shinny.”

“Oh yeah. It’s that new conditioner I got. It was only…”

“uh…you guys know you’re talking to a squirrel in a cape, right?” Oneida had to point out.

“Oh yeah, it’s okay. He’s our Nuteye Knight Master. He trained both of us in the ways of THE FUR!”

“…the fur?”

“no. THE FUR!

The commander looked and Qui and myself kinda funny like. “Ooooookay. Well, look at the time. I guess I should be going now. Your ship is in your garage and preprogrammed to take you to Muggmur. Good luck, J.J.” And with that, the commander took her leave of us.

“We are alone now. Good. Talk with you, I must. Very important, it is. Although sorry to see her go, I am. Nice gams she has.”

“So what are you doing here, Yado? I haven’t seen you since the whole Darth Lemur storyline.” (Starting here) “Does this have to do with my Crazy Uncle E’etooi kidnapping my ma so him and his two crazed chimps can lure me to their hideout and kill me?”

Yado froze where he stood and looked at me amazed. “How did…? You mean I came all the way through the Æther….just to….and you already knew about…”

“Yeah, commander Oneida just briefed me. I’m heading there right now…with my new lightsaber. Me and Uncle E’etooi are gonna have us a nice long chat…”

Next thing you know, I was smacked in the head by a force ghost paw. “you fool! Don’t you understand? That’s exactly what he wants.”

“But he kidnapped my ma…”

“I just came from your trailer park on Tatooine. Your mom is fine. She’s still there heating up some Chef-boy-R-Dewback for the family. Your Uncle E’etooi only said that to get you to come to him…so he can kill you.”

“That’s okay. I got a lightsaber now.”

Again with another savage blow to the head. “You’re no Jedi. You can’t use the Force. You’re only hope is to use THE FUR! And even then I bet you haven’t been practicing your lessons, have you?”

I looked down at my feet.

“I thought not. Don’t you realize what your Uncle is? He’s your Arch enemy!! Everyone throughout their lives has one arch enemy. A person of great strength and evilness that plagues them throughout their life. It is this person one must overcome before you die to have their life complete. Your Uncle is this person for you. This will be your toughest fight…and you must do this…alone.”

“Do you have an arch enemy, Yado?” asked Qui-Gon.

“Yes. Even I have an arch enemy. ….damn you, Mittens!! But it is you I must advise now. You will have to use every trick I have taught you about THE FUR! to defeat him. This will be your greatest challenge!”

“oh…so I suppose you’re saying I should use my baton against him and leave the lightsaber at home.”

Another smack to the head! “What are you, nuts? That lightsaber beats the hell out of some crappy-ass baton! You take that thing and slice him from here to Tuesday! Now go on. You have a date with destiny!”

“I…I won’t let you down, Yado. I’ll make you proud of me. I’ll make you see that I am worthy to still carry the name of Nuteye Knight!”

“Go then. Time is wasting. And may THE FUR! be with you.”

I then lit up a cigar and gave Qui-Gon a warm smile. “I’ll be back, buddy. Take care of the place while I’m gone.”

“You be careful, J.J. I’m not ready to see you in the Æther just yet.”

With lightsaber in hand, I then raced to the garage and hopped in my waiting ship and took off to the planet Muggmun…to face my destiny.

“So…” Yado said after my departure. “Can I have his room if he bites the big one?”

“Oh…uh…I guess so.”

“Great. What do you have to eat around here?”

“You like brownies?”

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The Report and the Mission

Commander Oneida had just stepped into my living room. Qui-Gon was bringing her a glass of water. What ever it was that she came over to tell me, it didn’t look good. I sat down.

“J.J. …I ‘m here on official business. It involves your mother.”

“My ma? What happened? Is she all right?”

“I…hope so. But it seems she’s been…kidnapped.”

”Kidnapped? How? By who?”

“I think I should start at the beginning.” She took a sip of water. “Do you remember at the Big Brother House that room of yours? You know, the holographic painted one to look like a tropical island?”

“Are you kidding? Sure. I was even considering doing the same in my room here. Why?”

“Do you remember the monkeys that Obi-Wan brought in when he was staying in that room?”


“Well, it seems that when you left, being the last person in that room, those primates had a little….uprising. Now, I called animal control and they came over and cleared them out before any of them could pose any real trouble. They took all of them away, guns and all. All except the leader and his right hand man…eh…chimp. It seems they escaped.”

“And you only noticed it now?”

“Well, they do look a lot alike. I didn’t think much of it until I got a report the other day. It seems the simian leader Tony Soprana-banana and his second in command, Guido have been discovered on the planet of Muggmur.”

“Okay, so have some of your clones go down there to grab em? What does this have ta do with me?”

“We can’t. Muggmur is an outlaw planet; untouched by our galactic laws. It is a haven for criminals of all types. Until we can devise a space station that can actually blow the whole world up, we can’t land there.”

“Yeah, a space station to blow up a planet. That will be the day.”

“Uh…yeah. Heh heh.” She laughed nervously. “What a silly thing.”

“I still don’t see what this has to do with me…or my ma.”

“It seems the primates were the genetically engineered result of some mad person who wished to use them to take over the galaxy. After the failed first attempt, Tony Soprana-Banana and Guido had no place to go but to return to the person who created them.

Your uncle….Crazy Uncle E’etooi!!!

“My Uncle…again?”

(For those of you who think they missed an episode in JawajuiceJumpUp, those adventures could be found in the cyber pages of both Yarael Poof’s and Jar Jar’s blogs in epic stories told throughout the end of last year. Read ‘em! They’re bitchin’!)

“And he’s the one who kidnapped your mom.” Oneida finished.

“But how do you know this?” Asked Qui-Gon.

“We intercepted this message. Apparently meant for you, J.J. He wants you to come to Muggmur and meet him alone…face to face. If you do that…he’ll let your mom go.”

“Woah…dude. It’s a trap,” Qui said in his best admiral Ackbar impersonation. “He obviously wants to kill you for foiling all his past plans. And like…he’s got chimps with him too.”

“So you thought I can go there and take care of him for ya, is that it?”

“We have a ship waiting to transport you right now. Unfortunately the Republic can’t land on that planet to help you, though. You’ll be facing him all alone.”

“Not all alone…” I said eyeing my new lightsaber.”

“Then you’ll go?” Commander Oneida asked.

“Yeah. I think it’s time me and my Uncle had a little….quality time together.”

“Great. I was hoping you would say that. Um…can I use your bathroom before I go?”

“Sure thing. It’s the first door on your right.”

After she left the room, Qui-Gon leaned in close to me. “Dude…Do you want me to come along with you? I mean…chimps man, chimps!”

“Naw. You hold down the fort here. I’ll be alright. I just got to show ol Uncle E’etooi my new present, that’s all.”

“J.J. That’s like, revenge man. Revenge leads to the dark side of the force.”

“But I’m not a Jedi. I’m just a jawa with a lightsaber, remember?”

“Oh…yeah. Well I guess that’s okay.”

Just then Oneida came back out into the living room. “Uh…J.J. There’s a squirrel in your bathroom.”

“Oh I’m sorry. Did I forget to flush again?”

“No no. A real squirrel. -I think.”

My eyes grew bright as I raced into the bathroom to find…

Yado, the Nuteye Knight Master!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Sword Play

After a long day in the office, which by the way just happens to be in my penthouse apartment, I figured it was high time to hop down the hall to the kitchen and grab me a snack. I felt good again. All the reports were in and the brownie production was up and running. Best of all, Qui-Gon and I could now step back into our appropriate rolls as CEO and figureheads.

I walked through the living room where Qui was finishing up cleaning his little…eh…incident the other day. “You feeling better?”

“Oh, yeah. I spent the night with my plants meditating and listening to old records of Bob Dugyn,” he responded with a relaxed smile.

“Hey. Where’s Dooku?”

”Oh, he said now that he’s back to normal he can go out and show his face again. So…I don’t know. He went out. Oh, you got some mail on the counter there.”

I took a look. Most of it was junk mail. There was a letter from J.A.W.A. (the Jawa Advanced Wonders Association- a union of Jawas back home that I belong to.) Probably want another donation. I’ll put that one on the bottom of the pile.

I then came across a long package address to me from Fluke Skywalker. With increasing interest, I opened the package and found….

A lightsaber!! Not just any lightsaber…but MY lightsaber. It seems Fluke gave me a lightsaber some time back but I was too busy with other stuff at the time and forgot about it. I turned it on. It was green!!!

“Woah….This is cool!!!”

Qui-Gon looked up and I think his face got as pale as milk. “Uh…J.J. That’s a lightsaber.”

“I know that.”

“Who gave that to you?”


I heard Qui shake his head and mutter ‘Goobersmoocher’ under his breath. “Only Jedi are supposed to use those.”

“But Fluke’s not a Jedi, he’s a wannabe.”

“Oh…well…I guess that’s all right then. But you should be careful with that, man. A lightsaber is a delicate weapon yet extremely dangerous in the hands of an untrained person. It requires years of practice and diligence to the forms to….


“J.J.! Now stop that. You can’t just run around with a lightsaber like…”


I guess I got a little over exuberant cos the next thing I knew I was being lifted into the air while my arms became as stiff as stone. I took a deep breath and looked down to see Qui using the Force on me.

“I’m sorry, man. But if you are going to use a lightsaber, you got to learn control. And besides…I just finished cleaning up the place.”

“Eh….Sorry Qui. I guess I got a little carried away. It’s just that I always wanted a lightsaber.”

“I understand,” he spoke in sympathetic tones releasing me from the Force. “But it takes a very disciplined mind to start down the Jedi path.”

“Woah. Wait a second. Who said anything about being a Jedi? Jawas can’t touch the Force. We can barely touch a counter top. I just want to use a lightsaber.”

“But only Jedi may use lightsabers as their weapon.”

“Is it in writing?”

“um…..oh……well, no. It’s kind of an unwritten code, but-"

”Ulp! Not in writing then it’s not legally binding. You know that.” I then turned on my turgid green saber once again. “HiiiiiiiiiYAAAAAAA!!!”

“No. No. Wait. Let me at least…um train you how to use the thing so that you don’t kill yourself…..or me again.”

“Trainning? Why do I need training? Don’t you just wave this thing around spastically-like until you hit something?”

“Oh…well…I guess you do.”

“Well, there ya go. Training’s over. Now to…”

Just then, the doorbell rang. And just as I was about to do a back flip. “All right, all right. I’ll let you give me some pointers. Let me get the door first.” I turned off my new weapon and walked over to the door. I half expected Yoda behind it. (You know how he is when he hears someone breaking his precious Jedi Code…I bet those Force Wedgies he administers aren’t written in the Jedi Code either…)

As it turned out, the face behind the door was non-other than Commander Oneida.

I was very surprised to see her. It seemed kinda early for a booty call. (Of course I would never tell her I thought of such a thing…)

“J.J. ….I need to talk to you.” She was dressed in her formal naval officer blues and had a grim look on her face. Obviously she was on duty.

“Yeah, come on in. I haven’t seen ya since the Big Brother game. What’s shakin’ toots?”

She looked uncomfortable at first, like she didn’t know where to start. “I…I have some bad news for you. It’s….it’s about your mom.”