Monday, April 10, 2006

99 Bottles of Beer Posts on the Wall

Well, here I am. Flying off across the system to face my deranged Uncle E’etooi and his two militant primates of doom on the planet Muggmur. Just me, a tiny business jawa and my new lightsaber against the forces of evil. How do I get myself in these situations?

Life has certainly gotten more complex since I left Tatooine lo these many months ago. Flying across the galaxy certainly has given me time to reflect on it.

My life is so different now than it was growing up. I was one of eight jawas in a trailer park just south of the dune sea. My da was always working the droid repo circuit leaving my mom to take care of us back home. Of course we had an extended family staying with us too which meant us kids were sleeping in shoe boxes in the closet. But for the most part we were okay, (despite living next door to a family of Hutts). Uncle Noob was always nice to me and Great grandfather Oop’shaw taught me how to smoke my first cigar. Even Crazy Uncle E’etooi and his mentally incompetent wife, Krip’ooi, weren’t so bad back then.

As the years rolled on, I took over my father’s Droid repo business. That wasn’t so bad, although I did have to work with a bunch of losers who only wanted to use the sandcrawler for monster-crawler pulls.

It wasn’t until I got arrested selling illegal Susan Powter laserdiscs that I decided I had had enough of this dustball. I needed to leave and see the world. Ironically, it was Uncle E’etooi in one of his saner moments that bailed me out of jail and sent me off to Coruscant to manage some property once owned by a Jedi Knight. Who knew that move was going to change my life so much. Once there, I met all sorts of new people. Master Yoda, Master Windu, the beautiful blue Aayla, Fluke, Obi-Wan. The list was endless. I had come home. My new home.

I had to make a living so I started off pimping up other people’s speeders. Some with good

results…some not so good.

But the best thing by far that happened to me was the unexpected friendship of my penthouse apartment’s former tenant…the now force-ghost Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui and I hit it off right off the bat. He was the perfect relaxed counterpart to my “too much business” side of me. At first, I was the only one who could see him, but soon enough others like his

old padwan began to discover him…with mixed results.

With Qui and I, it wasn’t long until we hit upon our calling…making ‘special spiced’ brownies!

Of course our new job didn’t stop us from enjoying the finer things in life…like our love for music and our extensive record collection.

After a while I began to branch out with other hobbies, like my armature horoscopes.

Not to mention making money through my hosting the reality game show Survivor:Tatooine as well as being a participant in Big Brother: Naboo. Of the two, I’ll take hosting any day. Playing in those games can be a…um….pain in the ass.

But it was the brownie business that really started to take off. Big enough that I was starting to challenge the other big snack boys.

Then there was the time I had th

e Friends of ol Fluke (F.O.O.F.) remodel our apartment. –um…note to all those out there that may want their place refurbished in the near future… Don’t use college student, D&D gaming, still live with their mom, fanatical Fluke stalking dorks to redo your home. Trust me; you just won’t like the results. Even worse, while Frick and Frack played havoc with our walls, Qui and I were forced to bunk with Obi-Wan at the temple. Ohh….the horrors.

Still, it couldn’t compare with the time I got so stinking drunk I wound up marrying an Ithorian named Rhonda. Only to discover weeks later that it was all a scam for her to take my fortune away. Thanks to Dooku, who recognized her and sent her packing.

Of course I almost lost our brownie empire when Qui-Gon and Dooku got set up for possession of spice without a permit (Thanks again to my shrewish ex-wife). So in order to regain our brownie making privileges we had to work in a brownie shop in the mall for seven hellish days.

Still, of all the escapades and adventures I have had since coming to Coruscant, none has yet to compare to the time I had to battle the sith ewok Darth Wuv and his master, Darth Lemur.

That was an epic for the books. With the help of Obi-Wan, Padmé, and Anakin, we traveled the space ways to defeat the hordes of stormlemurs from taking over the galaxy. Not to mention meeting Yado the Nuteye Knight squirrel who began my teachings down the path to THE FUR! Yes. It was a grand time.

Hmm… thinking back on all that has happened to me, I guess I’m amazed so much has happened in so little time.

But through the bad times and the good, one thing is for sure, I couldn’t have done it without my friends, both old and new. And although some have drifted away while new ones have come into the foreground, I have happy to call all of them my friends.

Which makes this little mission all the more ironic. This one…my confrontation with Uncle E’etooi…I have to do on my own. Just an ol jawa from the trailer parks of Tatooine gone to meet his destiny with his insane uncle.

I hope this doesn’t take long. I don’t want to miss Coruscant Idol.


Master Yoda said...

A nice stroll down Memory Lane that was.

And congratulate you on reaching 99 posts, I must!

Private Hudson said...

Congrats on 99.

Do you, uh, still have some of those Susan Powter videos, do you?

Qui-Gon Jinn said...

JJ, man,
If it weren't for you, I'd have packed up and retired to the Ether a long time ago. You've given me something to keep grooving for.
So, right, I, like, thank you, in a big way.
I love you, in a 'Old Hippie Force Ghost Tripping on Some Serious Spiced Brownie Goodness,' way, man.
*opens a spring-loaded can of streamers and confetti*
All right... Party...
Qui-Gon Jinn

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Yeah!!! 99 get back to the story please :)

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

AOC, manners!

And just remember this, when running with a lightsabre, keep the bright shiney dangerous end pointed away from you. You'd be amazed at how many Jedi seem to forget that basic rule

Jaina Solo said...

The Lt. Commander has a point. I have seen so many lightsaber accadents... toes and fingers go missing very easily!

Well done on 99 post as well!

Anonymous said...

I thought I recognized YOU !!

You were that snot nosed little Jawa who kept shooting out my trailer winders with that double barrell slingshot !

You owe me 423 credits !!

Or 1 Gross of Brownies

Anonymous said...

congratz on 99