Thursday, August 04, 2005

Astrology (part 2 of 3)














TAUNTAUN
–the Worker
May 3rd – May 26th
(Indecisive, Gas)
Keyword: Indentured Servant

Loyal, complacent, and hard working, you set an example for all those slackers who, after seeing you, know they’re on the right path. Chances are you will work your whole life without getting ahead. You’ll probably work till you die and even then someone will make a nice shelter out of your rotting carcass. You tend to live in remote places that most people, including you, can’t stand but live there none-the-less because the rent is cheep and so are you.

You enjoy driving fast speeders and may have a future in pod racing if you weren’t tied down 24-7 working for the man. You tend to go through periods of depression, but you shouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s nothing that a few bottles of “Jack” can’t fix. Your favorite pet is a comb over.

You probably come from a large family and had to fight for every last scrap of food you found. If afflicted, you may smell bad on the inside as well as the outside. Tauntaun personalities make great spice miners and delivery drivers.













TWI’LEK TWINS – the Looker
May 27th – June 20th
(Spastic, Bonfire)
Keyword: Party Hardy

Twi’lek Twin personalities are graced with beauty and charm. Unfortunately they have the attention span of a fly and the intelligence of some sedentary rocks. You only understand one syllable words.

You love to throw parties especially at other people’s homes where you don’t have to clean up vomit the next morning. You dance well and probably have a nice singing voice, which is all well and fine because your talking voice is so shrill and annoying you could kill a lemur. You can easily become too obsessed with your skincare and spend hours just moisturizing your earlobes.

You feel slighted if you are not the center of attention and tend to be vindictive. This is a great sign for Sith Lords as most Twi’lek Twin types have no conscience whatsoever.

You will most likely wake up and not know where you are many times in your life. Get use to it. If you are a male with this sign you are most likely gay.

Good career opportunities include trophy dates and line dancers.














KAMINOAIN
– the Androgynous
June 21st – July 14th
(Mellow, Pond-Scum)
Keyword: Confused

Intelligent and always topical, you tend to think most people are beneath you. You even may harbor a great disdain for those who don’t share your point of view. People think you're a priss. You tend to kiss the mirror a lot. Your favorite pet would be a clone of yourself. If badly aspected, you may have a tendency to wear top hats.

You sometimes come off cold and unemotional. You often fall asleep while making love. Growing up you tended to be confused about who you were. Your favorite roll models tended to be amebas. You may be doomed to make many guest appearances on the Love Boat throughout your life.

Soft spoken and well mannered, you take joy in place settings, small colorful pieces of plastic, and chick flicks. People like you because you are bisexual.

If you become a Jedi, your lightsaber will most likely be purple. Kaminoain types make great game show hosts.













SARLACC- the Self-Pitty Pit
July 15th – Aug. 7th
(Indecisive, Rock)
Keyword: Lazy

Sarlacc personalities tend to live in one place their entire lives. You fear change and are unable to adapt to new situations. You are a homebody, and your home is usually your body. You should avoid standing still for long periods of time as you tend to attract pigeons. Sarlacc personalities love people dropping in unannounced. People tend to think you have a big mouth.

Most of the time you are not fussy. You will eat anything placed in front of you, listen to any music that’s playing on the radio, or watch anything on the T.V. so long as you don’t have to get up. Your favorite sexual position is a log. You are constantly losing your keys.

You tend to have digestion problems and fear to be too far from a bathroom. You sometimes expect too much for too little. People think you’re cheep. You tend to wake up screaming in your sleep for no apparent reason. You usually have a green thumb and tend to keep it in a small box next to your bed.

There are many similarities between Hutt personalities and Sarlacc personalities. The difference is Sarlacc people tend to be too stupid to figure them out.

This aspect generally favors accountants and moisture farmers.














EWOK
– the Despised Cuteness
Aug. 8th – Sept. 1st
(Spastic, Ether)
Keyword: Afflicted

Ewok people tend to think they are cute and cuddly and everyone in the world loves them. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact most people despise your phony, perky nature and forced giggling, you just don’t know it. You’re not fooling anyone: cute kills. Perky and optimistic, it takes a swift jab through the gut to make you see the error of your ways.

You tend to bounce around through life oblivious to other people’s suffering. Denial is your middle name. You probably come from a big happy family that made cookies and hot chocolate and sang around the fire. When in actuality, your father was a mean drunk, your mother had numerous affairs and your siblings got knocked up and stole speeders for a living but you were too busy being happy to notice. If someone with a hang over sees you, they will kill you.

Some races in the outer rim will stone you, thinking you are a Sith Lord or at best, Barney. You are way too interested in other people’s feet. If badly aspected, you may love to wear lederhosen.

Ewok personalities make great theme park mascots and shark bait.

9 comments:

flu said...

For a Jawa, your insight baffles me. Best I can tell, you are right on.

Classic bro, classic.

Leia said...

Awww, I want an ewok. They're so dangnabbed adorable!

Captain Typho said...

"your talking voice is so shrill and annoying you could kill a lemur"

Did you say... lemurs?

(looks around nervously)

JawaJuice said...

Arg!!! That will teach me to use Rodians for proof readers!

Anakin Skywalker said...

Don't worry, T-dawg! I'll protect you from those whack lemurs.

Aayla Secura said...

I found this rather amusing...I had no idea you were into astrology! I thought it was all about the brownies.

jedisiri said...

brownie astrology!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I am a Tauntaun, though I don't take much stock in Astrology. Nobody takes into account Planet 10.

JawaJuice said...

Or Plan 9 from outer space...