Saturday, August 27, 2005

Chapter 12: The Ewok Strikes Back

“So, we meet again. When last we faced each other you were but the jawa and I the Cute-Sith Lord, now I am the Cute-Sith Lord and you are but the Jawa!”

Logic like that can’t be argued.

“Only a Cute-Sith Lord of evil, Wuv.” Hmmm, I think it was catching.

So there I was, face to face with my old nemesis, Darth Wuv, somewhere deep inside the Teh Death Monkey. Him, a full fledged Cute-Sith Lord-apprentice to Darth Lemur; me, a Nuteye Knight with a baton, half heartedly trained by some ancient talking squirrel. There was no doubt who had the advantage.

I made a lunge towards him and nearly got my face burned off by his lightsaber. I realized if it weren’t for my new faster reflexes, I wouldn’t have a head right now.

He lunged at me. This time I scurried up an iron beam just like a squirrel to avoid him.

“Impressive…Most impressive. Someone has taught you well in the ways of the Fur, but it will not help you in the end. You are too dangerous to my master to live. Tee-hee, tee-hee, tee-hee!”

That’s it. If there’s one thing I can’t stand is cute laughing!

I dropped down at him, baton in fist. I first struck his head, and then rolled down and side swiped his legs out from under him. I then bounced up and started to smack his belly repeatedly, fervently, mercilessly until I saw the white soft stuffing begin to fly out. He looked up at me surprised; shocked that something like this could happen. I then lifted him up and shook all the stuffing out of him until he was an empty husk.

He’s an Ewok for pity’s sake!! C’mon!! The day someone…anyone…can’t defeat an ewok is the day I walk out of this universe!!

Now it was time to find Darth Lemur!

Elsewhere inside Teh Death Monkey…

Threepio: I’ve told you, Master Anakin, that base on the planet was actually a space station in port. We’re now flying in orbit around the planet Lemuria.

Anakin: Ya, ya, whateves. How are we gonna get off this monkey, Obs?

Obi-Wan: I’m not sure. We’ve been remarkably lucky in that we haven’t been noticed since taking off.

Padmé: um…perhaps that’s because you got us lost in this closet for the past half an hour…?

Obi-Wan: Hmmmm….no. That’s not it.

Anakin looks through a grate in the wall to a complex war room.

Anakin: Well, would you look at that. That’s an Ultimate Weapons Room down there.

Obi-Wan: How do you know that?

Anakin: Senator Palpatine has one just like it in…um…I mean…donno. Just a lucky guess.

Padmé: come on. Let’s see if we can use it against their home planet.

After a few turns through the halls, our heroes reach the Ultimate Weapon room where lots a shiny flashing lights blink uselessly.

Padmé: There’s no one here.

Obi-Wan: I sense a disturbance in the force somewhere close by.

Threepio: Oh my! I think that was Master Anakin again!

Anakin: Sorry. Musta been those Bantha Burritos I had for lunch.

Obi-Wan: Ah, here it is.

Obi-Wan then presses a huge red button that says Ultimate Weapon in big blocky letters. Suddenly the ship begins to shake. The huge monkey arms of the space station reach around to the waist port in the back, grab a huge steaming pile of waist…then flings it at the planet below.

Anakin: Holy Crap!

Threepio: Literally!

R2D2: Bweeeep Bwpp Boooopoopup!

Chewie: GGGGrrrarrruhhh!

Obi-Wan: R2! Chewbacca! What do you mean, you found us? What? J.J. sent you? Where is he?

Chewie: RRRRaarrrruuutghgthph!@!

Obi-Wan: He’s gone to face Darth Lemur!?!

Anakin: Hey, does that mean I can have the little hom’s secret brownie stash?.....what? Just sayin’.

And back to J.J. …

"Ahhh….there you are. I knew you would come to me."

I spun around so quick, I thought my head would snap. “D-Darth Lemur!!!”

“You may have defeated my apprentice…but you will not defeat me so easily!”

“I…I must try.”

“Then you will die.”

“Hey, that rhymes.”

“The ancient prophecy of Mad’da Ghast-Garr spoke of you. –That you will bring balance to the lemurs. I believe this is true…but you don’t have to kill me to do this.”

“Oh, and just how do you propose a different solution?”

“Join me. I can teach you much about the dark side of the Fur. Yado never told you about your father, did he?”

“He doesn’t even know my father!”

“No, J.J. …..I AM YOUR FATHER!!!”

J.J. looks straight into the camera “Oh, like you didn’t see that coming a mile off….” Then turns back to Darth Lemur. “NOOOOOOoooooo! That’s a lie!!! That’s not possible!!! I don’t even have a tail!!!!”

“Search your backside, J.J. …you know it to be true!!”

I put my hand on my ass and there it was…a small black and white fuzzy tail. Funny how I never noticed it before.

“With Darth Wuv gone, you can take his place. We can rule the galaxy as father and son. We will command all of the universe's commerce, control all the commodities and charge what ever we want. We will rule a retail empire!!!”

“No. I’ll never join you. I’ll never…eh….retail empire? Charge what ever we want? Really? On everything?”

“Yes, my son. Everything. We will be bigger than Wal-Mart!”

“Wow….That’s….that’s all I ever wanted….To-to be lord of all retail….”

Just then Obi-Wan, Padmé, Anakin, Chewie, Threepio and R2 bursted into the chamber.

“J.J. No! Don’t listen to him!!!” Obi-Wan yelled, but it was too late. The thought of billions of credits were swimming in my head.

“No. Not J.J.,” I spoke back menacingly. “My name is now Darth Jawajuice!!!!!”

Next: the final chapter and fiftieth post!!!


Captain Typho said...

"Teh" Death Monkey?

Chancellor Palpatine said...

Darth JJ??


Qui-Gon Jinn said...

Roomies with a Sith Lord.
Bummer, man.
I'll miss the good JJ. Making me bake ten thousand brownies in a night. Selling off all my rare and valuble records so he could buy more bling. Having me use the Force to lift him up into his new Cadallac speeder.
All that, and he was still the best roomie I've ever had.

Anakin Skywalker said...

Dude, I just dont get why everybody be all hatin on me for some minor slaughter when, like, everybody is turnin Sith.

jedisiri said...

wow jj you are so cool!

Leia said...

Sooo can you, like, hang upside-down from trees now?

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Let me just say that Ewok are hard fighters. Really. REALLY. I mean just because you get beaten by Ewoks it doesn't mean anything...*covers face and run away. Not, I repeat NOT crying* (much)

flu said...


A Sith?!?

Darth JawaJuice?!?

small black and white fuzzy tail?!?


Captain Typho said...

I didn't foresee this turn of events at all. Who will bring him back to the light??

Then again, I'm not sure if JJ ever was on the light side.