Monday, August 29, 2005

Chapter 13: Return of the Jawa

“No, J.J.! NO!” Obi-Wan screamed at me. “Who will I go to for extra bags of Cheetos if you turn to the dark side?”

I returned with a menacing stare. “It is too late for that. In fact…it is too late for a great many things. Soon we will control the commerce of the entire galaxy. We will charge exorbitant amounts of money for the most mundane of things and you will all have no choice but to pay it….muwHAHAHAHAH!!”

“Yes….yes….I can feel the greed in you blood…the change in your pockets…” Darth Lemur cackled behind me. What is it with Sith Masters and their insistent cackling? “They have meddled in our affairs for far too long. Now you must strike them down, Darth Jawajuice! Show them the meaning of no refund!”

“No. This can’t be.” Padmé yelled back in shock. “You still owe me for the damaged boxes you fell on.”

“Looks like it’s too late for that, Pads.” Anakin raised his lightsaber. “Looks like the only thing he’s gonna understand is some limb chopin’!”

For once, Anakin’s threats didn’t make me piss my pants. “yes…time…to die… but for you! Follow me master…we will take them down together!!!”

I then took my baton in hand and started to raise and lower it before me in time to my marching feet. Darth Lemur quickly followed.

Both of us began to cross the huge chamber towards my old friends. I started to twirl the baton then turned right. Darth Lemur turned and followed without missing a beat. It was a parade of death…and I was leading it.

Marching in time, I tossed the baton up once more, just as we reached a bridge…then instantly turned left.

The baton twirled in the air…and fell over the side of the bridge.

Darth Lemur…transfixed on the baton…followed it…over the edge.

And realized his folly a moment too late.

With an explosion made of cheesy special effects, Darth Lemur fell to his death!

I ran over to my friends. “C’mon, I got a ship near by. We should get out of here.”

“Master J.J.! You’re all right? Then you haven’t turned to the dark side.”

“No, of course not, Threepio. It’s bad for business. The number one rule in retail: don’t kill paying customers!”

“Dude, but your eyes. They were all red and glowing and spit…”

“Oh, that’s just a trick Flukizmo the Great taught me. He said it’s great for scaring little kids at birthday parties. Never thought it would come in handy, tho.”

Suddenly a whole squad of stormlemurs rushed through the door. But no sooner did they take aim at us, when their eyes began to grow all big and docile-like. They dropped their weapons on the ground, crawled out of their armor and began to forage in the hallway.

“What happened to them?” asked Padmé.


“R2 says that without Darth Lemur controlling them they seem to have reverted to their normal passive nature.”

“Well what do you know,” Obi-Wan stated. “You did bring balance to the lemurs after all.”

Teh Death Monkey suddenly shock and began to spin out of control. We were all knocked down momentarily by the force.

“…Of course,” added Obi-Wan, “There are no longer any sentient lemurs to control this space station. It’s going out of control.”

“Oh my! It’s going to blow!”

“Uh…hello?!? like I said…I got a space ship. Let’s get outta here!”

This time they took the hint. We managed to get on board the ship and escape just in time. We didn’t need to cut it so close but Chewie and Anakin argued over who was the better pilot to fly this thing. In any case, Teh Death Monkey exploded, we escaped just in time, the galaxy’s lemur population returned to normal, and I hadn’t lost any money on the whole escapade. Things were looking good again.

Later while flying in hyperspace, my friends thought it would be a good idea to throw a party. R2 had plenty of beer hidden inside of him and the ship mysteriously came equipped with a fully stocked refrigerator. All seemed right with the world. I then looked over my shoulder and saw a small glowing image of a squirrel in a green cloak hovering over my meatball sandwich.

“You have done well, J.J. You have brought balance to the lemurs. The Fur will be with you…always.”

I smiled back, happy to see my old mentor. Then it came to me in a dreadful shock! “M-master Yado….you’re a force ghost! How…?”

“Oh…ya…that. Some huge chunk of stanky ship waist came hurtling down from the sky. Crushed me as flat as a pancake. Funny, I always thought I’d die by getting hit by a truck. Oh well. Hey, you wouldn’t have anything to do with that, now would you?”

I downed my beer and franticly looked for a few more. If I pass out, I may not have to answer him.

The End.


Captain Typho said...


The only thing missing -- you didn't get the girl.

Hopefully you'll make a profit on salvaging what's left of The Death Monkey.

Happy fiftieth post!

Chancellor Palpatine said...

That's weird. I have seen that power shaft that Darth Lemur fell into in a dark side vision.


Master Yoda said...

Congratulations on your 50th post!

Great story. Very funny it was.

But read it to the Younglings, I will not. Nightmares about lemurs they would have.

flu said...


A fantastic ending to a fantastic story.

...and Who'da thunk the Great Flukizmo's party trick would play a part?...certainly not me.

and Happy 50, JJ!

Jo Jo The Monkeyboy's Ghost said...

Lemurs are funny.

Howya doin' boss?

jedisiri said...

wow it is really great!i am sure the younglings would come to tears when they the cheeto thing said by obi.

Han Solo said...

Nightmares about lemurs they would have.

You see? You SEE?! It's NORMAL! I'm not the only one who has nightmares about lemurs.


...tell ME I'm crazy...nothin' to be scared of, huh!

*eats a brownie*

Ah...that's the stuff. Make those bad voices go away...

Shannon said...

Fantastic! Loved every minute.

Uh, like where did Han get a brownie??? What about the shortage??

flu said...

That's a doll-goned fien querstion, Senator! Where DID Ham get a brownie?!?!?

Leia said...

That was awesome, great job!

Poor Yado...