Astrology ( Part 3 of 3 )

GRAN – the Three-Eyed Study Monkey
Sept. 2^nd – Sept. 25^th
(Mellow, Gas)
Keyword: Virgin

Extremely intelligent and insightful, these attributes never really seemed to help you from getting beat up after class. You seem to go through life as a watcher rather than a participant and are very embarrassed of the porn you hide under your bed. Most Gran types are socially retarded. You are attracted to llamas.

People like you because you’re an easy mark. You have a tendency to brag about your skills and seem to say, “Gosh!! What-ever!” a lot.

You have a great affinity for the force and would make a good Jedi. And seeing as you’re never going to ‘get any’, you might as well join up. As a kid, you were called three-eyes a lot. With difficult aspects you may work in fast food for the rest of your life.

GAMORREAN – the Galactic Redneck
Sept. 26^th – Oct. 19^th
(Indecisive, Bonfire)
Keyword: Dense

Refined, dignified and cultured don’t describe you at all. In fact you are so far opposite of those characteristics you could be your own system. Your idea of culture is to have pink fambaa’s on your lawn. You love all things rusted and broken and may have a large collection of dilapidated speeders in you back yard that you keep telling people one day you’ll fix up. You love to drink a lot and shoot things. You don’t follow the news too closely and as a result tend to screw things up with your votes. You make a good security guard but you tend to be so thick even a squirrel can pull one over on you.

People tend to pity you behind your back. You tend to plug up the toilet a lot. You may have many cousins who are also husbands or wives. Your children tend to have six toes. You are prone to uncontrollable drooling.

With difficult aspects you may have an unnatural attraction towards wrestling and Cheetos.

DIANOGA – the Slob
Oct. 20^th – Nov. 13^th
(Spastic, Pond-Scum)
Keyword: Smelly

Your home is always in a constant state of clutter. You can’t bear to get rid of anything. This unfortunately includes all your bowel movements since the age of two. To say you are preoccupied with your bowels is an understatement. You tend to attract flies.

As a kid, you were plagued with oily skin and acne. Hate to break it to you but that ain’t ever going to change. You are deathly afraid of salt.

You enjoy the finer things in life and keep them hidden under a big pile of garbage where no one can look at it. You love the feel of ice cream melting on your toes.

With difficult aspects, you tend to be sneaky and underhanded. Your breath tends to smell like fish. You could be a plumber or a politician.

WOOKIE – the Carpet Monster
Nov. 14^th – Dec. 7^th
(Mellow, Rock)
Keyword: Laid Back

You are easy going and have a relaxed nature (unless you lose at games, then you just go ape-sh*t.). You tend to attract members of the opposite sex very easily. Unfortunately, you also attract members of the opposite spices. If you are a woman you may have a “hair” problem and have to shave your legs four times a day. If you are a man you may be mistaken for a Chia pet.

You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack any real talent. With difficult aspects you may think you are always right. Even when you’re wrong you can usually delude yourself into thinking you are right. You also tend to think that anything that goes wrong is someone else fault. Stay away from machinery or anything more complicated than a tooth pick.

You tend to be scruffy looking and may have a tick problem. You must learn to guard yourself from lemurs.

BANTHA – the Hopeless
Dec. 8^th – Dec. 31^st
(Indecisive, Ether)
Keyword: Depressed

This is a perfect sign for those just waiting to die. Your life has been one long disappointment. Don’t think it’s going to get any better, either. Droids look positively alive next to you.

People laugh at you a great deal because you’re always getting screwed. There has never been a Bantha type of any great significance. Do us all a favor; try not to impose your feelings of doom and gloom on the rest of us. Stay at home.

(This description too short for you? Well...screwed again.)

And there you have it. All of life's answers right at your fingertips. Don't say I didn't warn ya. So...What type are you?