Sunday, August 21, 2005

Chapter 8: The Phantom Lemur

I've seen a lot of strange things in my life, but this one takes the cake! I'm talking to a squirrel. Not just any squirrel but a talking Nuteye Master squirrel with a cloak. No. I haven't been binging on brownies...but I'm beginning to wish I had.

What's worse is what he's trying to tell me...
"Me. I'm the one who will bring balance to the lemurs. ME?!? A Jawa?!? Are you nuts?"

"Ooooo, a pun. It was said in the prophecies of Mad'da Ghast-Garr that you would be known by the puns you use. Yes, you must be the one."

"Great! I guess that's my PUN-ishment."

"Oooo. Another good one."

"Wonderful. Glad you're enjoying yourself. Look, while you're busting a nut over my witty repertoire, I'm gonna go find my friends who decided to take a spill over that cliff."

"No!" He then got up on his hind legs and stared me in the eye with meaningful portent...then suddenly scratched his butt with uncanny agility and vigor. "Damn fleas! Oh....Where was I?"

"You we're trying to tell me why I shouldn't go look for my friends..."

"Yes, because you are in great danger."

"Really? You think so? What gave you you're first clue? Being attacked by vicious lemurs or..."

"HE will not stop until you are dead."

"He? He who?"

"The one who has been after you. The one who has sworn to kill you. The most evil of all 'Cute-Sith Lords....Darth Lemur."

"Darth Lemur? Really? Didn't see that one coming with all the not-too-subtle references. Wait a sec. Didn't he fall to his death those many years ago by Jedi Master Puss?" (As seen recently in Super Blue Twi'lik Tales)

"Fell yes. But he was not killed. He went into hiding. He remained hidden even by my persistent foraging. That is...until recently when he took on an Ewok apprentice."

"...Darth Wuv."

"Yes. Always two there is, when it comes to Cute-Sith Lords. Always two... For many years, Darth Lemur has been twisting and corrupting the usually dossal minds of lemurs across the galaxy. Bending them to his dark will. Now, I fear, he has an army of evil lemurs at his command. And with them he plans to take over the universe! But there is someone who can destroy his plans for galactic conquest. ....You!"

"Me? I never met the guy. He doesn't even owe me money."

"It does not matter. He now knows, as I do, that you are the one prophesized to kill him, thus releasing his evil hold on all the lemurs thus bringing balance to the lemur population."

"Oh, and how am I suppose to kill a Sith Lord."

"Not a Sith Lord...a Cute-Sith Lord. -A cute critter that has turned to the dark side. Only another cute critter such as your self can kill him."

".......? think I'm cute?"

Yado takes a few steps back. " But I guess you fit the height requirement to be considered a critter."

"So how am I supposed to stop this Darth Lemur?"

"You must learn the ways of The Fur."

"...the fur?"

Suddenly he produced a large wooden cudgel and smacked me over the head. "No. The Fur!"

"Ow! Watch out with that stick, sparky. So what's The Fur?"

"The Fur is what surrounds us, binds us, keeps us warm at night. All the little critters in the world must learn the ways of The Fur....even you!"

"Jeez! The Force. The Spores. The Fur. How many of those existential, all encompassing, quasi-religious, energy blanket, universal doo-dad explanations are there anyway?"

"32. And just be happy you are not a Hutt, or you would have to learn the ways of the Funk. Very nasty, that way is."

"What about my friends?"

Yado leans back sagely and cleans his cheeks. "They have their own path that they must follow."

Elsewhere in the jungles of Lemuria...

Threepio: Oh my...what happened? Why is everyone on top of me? Is it that time of year again?

Obi-Wan: Don't you remember?

Padmé: You saved our lives threepio. We fell off that cliff into this dense jungle. If we didn't land on you we might have been run through by one of these branches. Eh...we'll attach your arm when we can.

Threepio: Oh that's okay. I'm quite used to it actually. Master Anakin would frequently cut off my arms then reattach them as practice.

Obi-Wan: Good. We better get moving. Those lemurs may come back for us.

Padmé: How do we get back to J.J.?

Obi-Wan: This way.

Three hours and a round trip later.

Obi-Wan: hooookay. Let's try this way.

Several hours more and our band of intrepid yet lost heroes stop at another cliff.

Padmé: Oh this is great. We're hopelessly lost, it's getting dark, I'm hungry and I think I broke a heal.

Obi-Wan: Well you may not have to worry about it much longer. Look down there!

Threepio: Oh my! It's an army. A huge army of....Stormlemurs!!! be continued


jedisiri said...

wow Stormlemurs are soo cool!

Shaak Ti said...

Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I want to use the pictures you do in a slideshow movie for the unplugged website.

Leia said...

Now comes a time when jawas shape the fortunes of us all. May The Fur be with you.

Anonymous said...

Scary! Great story, I think it is one of the best around here.

Captain Typho said...

How can creatures so cute be defeated? I fear all is lost.

Anakin Skywalker said...

*laughs harder than is probably healthy*

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Lemurs, why'd it have to be lemurs?

flu said...

Use The Fur, JJ!

Let go your brownies...

Han Solo said...

If, uh, if you need someone to hold your brownies... just, you know, until you get back...

Hey, I'm here for you man.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Stormlemurs???? dose Palps know about this? I mean they arn't in the Stormtrooper can they hold those jobs. I am talking to the shop steward about this.