Chapter 6: The Road to Idiocy

So here we are; Padmé, Master Kenobi and myself streaming through space in one of Kenobi’s bargain hoopty ships heading towards the planet Lemuria in the outer rim. Why is it that every planet we need to go to seems to be in the outer rim? Doesn’t matter. Once again Obi-Wan got us lost. I took us three days just to convince him we were going in the wrong direction. Even with an onboard navigational system and an astrodroid, that man still couldn’t find his ass with both hands. Oh, but he’ll tell you afterwards that it was all part of his plan. Must be some Jedi trick they teach them so that they never appear to make a mistake.

“You see, Lemuria dead ahead,” he pointed out the window then shifted his hands behind his head, looking up all smug like. “I told you we would find it.”

“Ya ya, whatever,” I told him. “I just hope we can find someone there who can tell us about this strange prophecy that says I’ve got to die. I still don’t know how that happened. I made sure I was on all the ‘do-not-prophecies-lists’ before I moved to Coruscant.”

“We’re going to be landing soon. You better get the droids ready. We may need them.” Obi-Wan said, fixing his hair just right in the reflection of the ship’s window.

“Great,” I replied back. “Send the jawa for the droids. What else is new?”

I walked to the back of the ship to gather up the trash compactors on wheels…or legs…or what ever.

“Oh thank you for fixing my bad motivator, R2. That feels wonderful!”

“Eh, am I interrupting something?”

“Oh goodnessgraciousme! R2, it’s one of the filthy jawas. How did he get on board?”

“BEEPboop weeet bop Geerrrrrop!”

“What do you mean, Master Kenobi invited him along? Has he been drinking again?”

“DoooopDeep wOOt!”

“Well I should hope not. We don’t want another incident like the one we had to go through on the planet Guinness. My oh my, that was a dark and frothy planet.”

“Geepboot woop do Da DA doo!”

“What does that have anything to do with what I am saying? Really R2, sometimes I think you’re making up noises and I’m just talking to myself.”

Just then Padmé walked out of the ships changing room. Once again she had on a new outfit. “Does this make me look f-…. Threepio? That is you.”

“Oh, Senator Amidala. How good to see you again.”

‘BeepBeep booop wappa wappa!”

“No I don’t think she looks like a stuffed sausage in that uniform, R2.”

“Geeepoboop?”

“No, she’s not pregnant either. At least I don’t think so. Which reminds me, how is Master Anakin doing these days?”
Unfortunetly just then she ran back in the changing room. Man, that girl is always changing her clothes. Go figure.

“We’re coming up on Lemuria,” Obi-Wan announced on the intercom.

“It’s about time,” I told him as I hobbled back to the cockpit. “I really don’t think this ship of yours was meant for space travel. What did you do to it?”

“Oh, I let…eh…Anakin do a few last minute adjustments to it.”

“Well, it’s smoking like last year’s ham.”

“Smoking? Oh no. I got a bad feeling about this.”

“You’re just a walking cliché, aren’t ya?”

After a quick crash landing in the jungle and a few slightly bashed heads against the walls, we managed to walk off the ship.

“Another perfect landing.” Obi-Wan declared looking at the wreckage. “Wooo-HOOO! Who’s the master now?”

“Drinking?” I whispered back to Threepio, “Hell, I think he’s high on death sticks.”

“Oh he does excel at that, Master J.J.”

“Why don’t we like, take a look around,” Insisted Padmé. “The sooner we find someone who can help us, the sooner I can sneak back and see Ana-….eh…my aunt. Yes, that’s it.”

Threepio rolled his eyes (I didn’t think that was possible) and made a rude gesture with his hands behind her back.

“So what kinds of people live on this planet?” I asked Obi-Wan who was leading us through the jungle.

“The archives didn’t say, although they did warn of….

“Weep!!weep!!! wOOOOOOT!!!!!!”

“What is it, R2?”

“LOOK OUT!! SPACE LEMURS!!!!! IT’S AN AMBUSH!!!!”

...To be continued.