Wednesday, August 31, 2005

An Important Messege from Uncle Jinn & J.J. Inc. ™

The brownie shortage has been devastating. And none are hit more hard than the poor addicted customers. Case in point…

This here is Fluke Starbucker as he was only a month ago. As you can see, this young, strong, happy "Founder of the New Jedi Order" wannabe, had his whole life ahead of him. But that was before the Great Brownie shortage of 2005.

This is Fluke today.

The lack of spiced brownies flowing freely through his blood stream has turned this once bright lad into an aged shell of a human being destined to pick through other people’s outhouses in search of leftover brownie bits.

Won’t you help Fluke and others like him?

For only pennies a day, you could keep Fluke and those like him in a semi-permanent vegetative state out of harms way until the spice shortage is over, allowing him to sleep through the worst of the withdrawals. Please send your help now. People with mallets are standing by.

We don’t have a secure stock of spice for our brownies yet, but with your help we can prolong the agony.

Won’t you help?

Send your donations to the Spiced Brownie Emergency Relief Fund today.

Remember, every little bit helps.

Do it….for Fluke.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Contest Winner!

And the winner of our “Choose that Slogan” contest…

Master Yoda with his winning slogan “Jawa tested, dead guy approved!”
As a result, a new Uncle Jinn & J.J. flavor has been added to our line of famous “Special Spiced” Brownies.

That’s right. Now you can get those great brownies with or without nuts!

Thanks again for everyone who sent in slogans and voted.

We promise to get these new brownies out to you…once we take care of the spice shortage problem. We understand that you may have trouble finding your daily fix of our spiced fudgy goodness, that’s why we are currently looking into the situation. We hope to resume production as soon as possible.

Thanks for your patients and understanding.

Oh, and please don’t kill your local store keeper in a fit of withdrawal rage. –We need them.


Monday, August 29, 2005

Chapter 13: Return of the Jawa

“No, J.J.! NO!” Obi-Wan screamed at me. “Who will I go to for extra bags of Cheetos if you turn to the dark side?”

I returned with a menacing stare. “It is too late for that. In fact…it is too late for a great many things. Soon we will control the commerce of the entire galaxy. We will charge exorbitant amounts of money for the most mundane of things and you will all have no choice but to pay it….muwHAHAHAHAH!!”

“Yes….yes….I can feel the greed in you blood…the change in your pockets…” Darth Lemur cackled behind me. What is it with Sith Masters and their insistent cackling? “They have meddled in our affairs for far too long. Now you must strike them down, Darth Jawajuice! Show them the meaning of no refund!”

“No. This can’t be.” Padmé yelled back in shock. “You still owe me for the damaged boxes you fell on.”

“Looks like it’s too late for that, Pads.” Anakin raised his lightsaber. “Looks like the only thing he’s gonna understand is some limb chopin’!”

For once, Anakin’s threats didn’t make me piss my pants. “yes…time…to die… but for you! Follow me master…we will take them down together!!!”

I then took my baton in hand and started to raise and lower it before me in time to my marching feet. Darth Lemur quickly followed.

Both of us began to cross the huge chamber towards my old friends. I started to twirl the baton then turned right. Darth Lemur turned and followed without missing a beat. It was a parade of death…and I was leading it.

Marching in time, I tossed the baton up once more, just as we reached a bridge…then instantly turned left.

The baton twirled in the air…and fell over the side of the bridge.

Darth Lemur…transfixed on the baton…followed it…over the edge.

And realized his folly a moment too late.

With an explosion made of cheesy special effects, Darth Lemur fell to his death!

I ran over to my friends. “C’mon, I got a ship near by. We should get out of here.”

“Master J.J.! You’re all right? Then you haven’t turned to the dark side.”

“No, of course not, Threepio. It’s bad for business. The number one rule in retail: don’t kill paying customers!”

“Dude, but your eyes. They were all red and glowing and spit…”

“Oh, that’s just a trick Flukizmo the Great taught me. He said it’s great for scaring little kids at birthday parties. Never thought it would come in handy, tho.”

Suddenly a whole squad of stormlemurs rushed through the door. But no sooner did they take aim at us, when their eyes began to grow all big and docile-like. They dropped their weapons on the ground, crawled out of their armor and began to forage in the hallway.

“What happened to them?” asked Padmé.


“R2 says that without Darth Lemur controlling them they seem to have reverted to their normal passive nature.”

“Well what do you know,” Obi-Wan stated. “You did bring balance to the lemurs after all.”

Teh Death Monkey suddenly shock and began to spin out of control. We were all knocked down momentarily by the force.

“…Of course,” added Obi-Wan, “There are no longer any sentient lemurs to control this space station. It’s going out of control.”

“Oh my! It’s going to blow!”

“Uh…hello?!? like I said…I got a space ship. Let’s get outta here!”

This time they took the hint. We managed to get on board the ship and escape just in time. We didn’t need to cut it so close but Chewie and Anakin argued over who was the better pilot to fly this thing. In any case, Teh Death Monkey exploded, we escaped just in time, the galaxy’s lemur population returned to normal, and I hadn’t lost any money on the whole escapade. Things were looking good again.

Later while flying in hyperspace, my friends thought it would be a good idea to throw a party. R2 had plenty of beer hidden inside of him and the ship mysteriously came equipped with a fully stocked refrigerator. All seemed right with the world. I then looked over my shoulder and saw a small glowing image of a squirrel in a green cloak hovering over my meatball sandwich.

“You have done well, J.J. You have brought balance to the lemurs. The Fur will be with you…always.”

I smiled back, happy to see my old mentor. Then it came to me in a dreadful shock! “M-master Yado….you’re a force ghost! How…?”

“Oh…ya…that. Some huge chunk of stanky ship waist came hurtling down from the sky. Crushed me as flat as a pancake. Funny, I always thought I’d die by getting hit by a truck. Oh well. Hey, you wouldn’t have anything to do with that, now would you?”

I downed my beer and franticly looked for a few more. If I pass out, I may not have to answer him.

The End.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Chapter 12: The Ewok Strikes Back

“So, we meet again. When last we faced each other you were but the jawa and I the Cute-Sith Lord, now I am the Cute-Sith Lord and you are but the Jawa!”

Logic like that can’t be argued.

“Only a Cute-Sith Lord of evil, Wuv.” Hmmm, I think it was catching.

So there I was, face to face with my old nemesis, Darth Wuv, somewhere deep inside the Teh Death Monkey. Him, a full fledged Cute-Sith Lord-apprentice to Darth Lemur; me, a Nuteye Knight with a baton, half heartedly trained by some ancient talking squirrel. There was no doubt who had the advantage.

I made a lunge towards him and nearly got my face burned off by his lightsaber. I realized if it weren’t for my new faster reflexes, I wouldn’t have a head right now.

He lunged at me. This time I scurried up an iron beam just like a squirrel to avoid him.

“Impressive…Most impressive. Someone has taught you well in the ways of the Fur, but it will not help you in the end. You are too dangerous to my master to live. Tee-hee, tee-hee, tee-hee!”

That’s it. If there’s one thing I can’t stand is cute laughing!

I dropped down at him, baton in fist. I first struck his head, and then rolled down and side swiped his legs out from under him. I then bounced up and started to smack his belly repeatedly, fervently, mercilessly until I saw the white soft stuffing begin to fly out. He looked up at me surprised; shocked that something like this could happen. I then lifted him up and shook all the stuffing out of him until he was an empty husk.

He’s an Ewok for pity’s sake!! C’mon!! The day someone…anyone…can’t defeat an ewok is the day I walk out of this universe!!

Now it was time to find Darth Lemur!

Elsewhere inside Teh Death Monkey…

Threepio: I’ve told you, Master Anakin, that base on the planet was actually a space station in port. We’re now flying in orbit around the planet Lemuria.

Anakin: Ya, ya, whateves. How are we gonna get off this monkey, Obs?

Obi-Wan: I’m not sure. We’ve been remarkably lucky in that we haven’t been noticed since taking off.

Padmé: um…perhaps that’s because you got us lost in this closet for the past half an hour…?

Obi-Wan: Hmmmm….no. That’s not it.

Anakin looks through a grate in the wall to a complex war room.

Anakin: Well, would you look at that. That’s an Ultimate Weapons Room down there.

Obi-Wan: How do you know that?

Anakin: Senator Palpatine has one just like it in…um…I mean…donno. Just a lucky guess.

Padmé: come on. Let’s see if we can use it against their home planet.

After a few turns through the halls, our heroes reach the Ultimate Weapon room where lots a shiny flashing lights blink uselessly.

Padmé: There’s no one here.

Obi-Wan: I sense a disturbance in the force somewhere close by.

Threepio: Oh my! I think that was Master Anakin again!

Anakin: Sorry. Musta been those Bantha Burritos I had for lunch.

Obi-Wan: Ah, here it is.

Obi-Wan then presses a huge red button that says Ultimate Weapon in big blocky letters. Suddenly the ship begins to shake. The huge monkey arms of the space station reach around to the waist port in the back, grab a huge steaming pile of waist…then flings it at the planet below.

Anakin: Holy Crap!

Threepio: Literally!

R2D2: Bweeeep Bwpp Boooopoopup!

Chewie: GGGGrrrarrruhhh!

Obi-Wan: R2! Chewbacca! What do you mean, you found us? What? J.J. sent you? Where is he?

Chewie: RRRRaarrrruuutghgthph!@!

Obi-Wan: He’s gone to face Darth Lemur!?!

Anakin: Hey, does that mean I can have the little hom’s secret brownie stash?.....what? Just sayin’.

And back to J.J. …

"Ahhh….there you are. I knew you would come to me."

I spun around so quick, I thought my head would snap. “D-Darth Lemur!!!”

“You may have defeated my apprentice…but you will not defeat me so easily!”

“I…I must try.”

“Then you will die.”

“Hey, that rhymes.”

“The ancient prophecy of Mad’da Ghast-Garr spoke of you. –That you will bring balance to the lemurs. I believe this is true…but you don’t have to kill me to do this.”

“Oh, and just how do you propose a different solution?”

“Join me. I can teach you much about the dark side of the Fur. Yado never told you about your father, did he?”

“He doesn’t even know my father!”

“No, J.J. …..I AM YOUR FATHER!!!”

J.J. looks straight into the camera “Oh, like you didn’t see that coming a mile off….” Then turns back to Darth Lemur. “NOOOOOOoooooo! That’s a lie!!! That’s not possible!!! I don’t even have a tail!!!!”

“Search your backside, J.J. …you know it to be true!!”

I put my hand on my ass and there it was…a small black and white fuzzy tail. Funny how I never noticed it before.

“With Darth Wuv gone, you can take his place. We can rule the galaxy as father and son. We will command all of the universe's commerce, control all the commodities and charge what ever we want. We will rule a retail empire!!!”

“No. I’ll never join you. I’ll never…eh….retail empire? Charge what ever we want? Really? On everything?”

“Yes, my son. Everything. We will be bigger than Wal-Mart!”

“Wow….That’s….that’s all I ever wanted….To-to be lord of all retail….”

Just then Obi-Wan, Padmé, Anakin, Chewie, Threepio and R2 bursted into the chamber.

“J.J. No! Don’t listen to him!!!” Obi-Wan yelled, but it was too late. The thought of billions of credits were swimming in my head.

“No. Not J.J.,” I spoke back menacingly. “My name is now Darth Jawajuice!!!!!”

Next: the final chapter and fiftieth post!!!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Chapter 11: An Unrealistic Hope

I swear I'm going to need a drink when this is all over with.

Rising before me was the biggest, if not mangiest, space station I had ever seen: Teh Death Monkey! And I could tell, somewhere inside were my well as the Cute-Sith Lords who want to kill me.

"I've got to get to that space station!" I told my Nuteye Master, Yado. "I've got to save my friends."

"No. You must finish the training. You signed a contract, remember? If you confront Darth Lemur before you are ready then all will be lost and you forfeit your deposit."

"You don't understand, Master Yado. I have to save them. Don't worry. I'll come back and finish the training."

"Hmmph. They always say that. But they never do. Always they die. …Always.” He started scrubbing at his cheeks in a very agitated manner. “Very well, go. But take the baton. You have learned much in our short time. It may yet come in handy."

"Thank you, Master Yado. For everything. Ummm....of course I still need a ship to follow them I was wondering...I saw you had a Yt2400 in the garage and...well..."

"Yes, yes, fine. You can use my space ship. I only use it once a week to go to store anyway. But fill it up when you're done."


"What now?"

"Umm....I don't know how to fly a space ship."

Yado tossed his paws up in the air in disgust. "You don't need to fly it. I have a chauffer. Chewie...!"

Grateful to finally get underway, R2 and myself boarded the ship. I called back to my little mentor. "I'll be back, I promise. Eh...unless I'm dead."

"Your feelings do you well. Odds are good. Placed bets, I have. Now go on, get out of here," he squeaked back. "I got some wood carving to catch up on back at the tree."

"Ah, branching out, are we?"

I closed the hatch before I was pelted with acorns.

The moment we took off, I heard the strange sound of 'chee-chee-chee-chee-...'
"What is that?" I asked.

"Grawwwwlll. GGGrrrrrraaaaarrrr."

"It's the ship? It communicates in a squirrel's dialect? That's nuts."

I was then suddenly backhanded by the wookie, which sent me sprawling across the cockpit.


"What? Wookies don't like puns? Now you tell me."

Suddenly the ship shook with a tremendous jolt.


"What? We're being fired on?" I looked out the side window and there it was...Teh Death Monkey had found us.

Then the intercom crackled to life. "Ship Yt2400, what are you doing in restricted spaceways?"

"RRRAawwwwlrrrrrRRR!" stated Chewie.

"chee-chee-chee-chee-chee-chee," the ship tried to clarify.

"Boot-beep-tOOt-wappa-wappa" R2 added, although I think that was redundant.

"What the hell's going on over there?"

"Grrreeeeerrrgh! ARrrrrrAAArrr!," Chewie improvised.

"Wooot!Wooot!Weep!Wop!" R2 nervously backpeddled.

"chee-chee-chee-chee-chee!!!" franticly repeated until my ears bled.

"That's it," said the lemur over the intercom, we're bringing you in."

"Well that worked like a charm. What do we do now?" I asked.

Chewie started to fire the guns full throttle. It didn't matter that Teh Death Monkey was behind us apparently. R2 just spun in circles like a Chihuahua on crack. The ship? Don't get me started on the ship.

Needless to say, their actions did not help in the slightest amount. Within moments we were sucked into the gaping maw of Teh Death Monkey's tractor beam mouth.

By the time the ship came to a complete stop and the fasten seatbelt light went out; we came up with a plan. We would knock out the first couple of stormlemurs that ventured inside, skin them alive, and wear their fur. No one would know the difference.

It worked like a charm. And just as we thought, we were able to walk off the ship completely undetected despite the huge gaping plot hole.

Once out of earshot from other lemurs, I whispered to Chewbacca. "Chewie, take R2 and find our friends. I can sense they are close by."


"Me? There's something I need to do..."

With baton in fist, I snuck away.

It wasn't long before I found myself in an ominous room backlit with blue light and lots of crazy metal steps that led nowhere. It was there, that I saw my old adversary. Darth Wuv! And he was waiting for me!

...To be continued.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Intermission again...

Hey kids, It’s Uncle Jinn & J.J. again! Here to give you the finalists for our super-fudgy slogan machine.

I must say, there were a LOT of good choices! Thank you all for participating. (Who says there’s no such thing as free advertising?) It was very, very hard to narrow them down to a top three. So much so that I had to update it to the top five slogans. Now it’s up to you out there. Which one will be our brand-spanking new slogan for our brownies? Vote now for your choice and the winner will get a brand new flavor of brownie created and named after him or her.

Will it be...

Choose that slogan!
The brownies you’d trample your own mother to get to
I can’t believe it’s not illegal
Worth every side-effect
Jawa-tested, dead-guy-approved
When you absolutely, positively have to be backed overnight.

Free polls from

Vote when you can. I’ll announce the winner sometime next week.

We now return you to the last three installments of our spectacularly stupid space saga.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Chapter 10: Revenge of the Cute-Sith

Deep inside the bowels of an evil yet surprisingly cute sith lord’s headquarters…

Padmé: Ani!!! You’ve come to rescue us!

Obi-Wan: We don’t need rescuing. We were doing just fine on our own, weren’t we Threepio?

Threepio: Well, actually, Master Kenobi, the odds of us getting out of here alive were half past the monkeys ass.

Anakin: Shuh, not with me around now. I’m abouts ta put the smack down on these furry fools. Ain’t no one gonna stop the Chosen One from a dramatic rescue and spit. Sides…it won’t be the first time I had to save your sorry butt, Master.

Padmé: Ani, aren’t you suppose to still be in that game thingy on Tattooine?

Anakin: Ya, but I told them I had to go take a dump. They won’t get suspicious for a couple of days.

Obi-Wan: Never mind that. Did you bring the rescue supplies I always taught you to?

Of course, master. A big bag of Cheetos and a six pack of Mos Eisley. Just like every time I rescue you. Oh and…I got a little present for you too, boo.

Padmé: You did? What is it?

Anakin: Open it up and see.

Padmé: Handcuffs! Aww, you shouldn’t have.

Anakin: Shuh! Ain’t nothing too good for my girl.

Obi-Wan: Your….? What did you say?

Anakin: Oops. Can’t talk now, master. I gotsta do some major arm chopping. Why don’t you come and join me.

Obi-Wan: Anger…aggression, mass slaughter…these things lead to the dark side, my young padawan.

Anakin: Man, why are you always yappin’ away with that shizzy? They’re just rodents or whatevs. It don’t mean spit. Com’on…let me see your mad jedi skillz and throw down some.

Obi-Wan: Well…I suppose we do have to get away to warn the Jedi council. Very well. Let me just finish this beer.

Suddenly the two Jedi’s race towards the streaming mass of stormlemurs, lightsabers swinging and voices screaming. A huge battle ensues with the two men cutting down lemurs in a mad frenzy, until…

Anakin: See master. Now ain’t cutting the arms and heads off things just the living Shiznig?!

Obi-Wan: Well, I must say, that was kinda satisfying. But I got blood all over my robe.

Anakin: Just tell everyone it’s old cheeto stains.

Meanwhile, the watchful eyes of Darth Lemur and Darth Wuv are…well, watching them.

Darth Wuv: Master, they are too strong. What are we going to do?

Darth Lemur: Quickly. Start the engines. They still haven’t realized that this is not just a simple hidden base but a huge technological terror of a space station. Take us out of orbit, Darth Wuv. It is time we showed the galaxy our fully operational weapon!

Back at Yado’s home…

J.J.: Thank goodness I don’t have to wear that bunny suit anymore. I was beginning to sweat like a…well like a jawa.

Yado: You no longer need the suit, this is true. You have learned much in our short time together. Now you are ready for your weapon.

J.J.: I get a weapon? Really? A lightsaber?

Yado smacks J.J.’s head once again with his cudgel.

Yado: Of course not. You are training to be a Nuteye Knight. The weapon of choice for us is this...

J.J.: W-what is it?

Yado: A baton. Not as clumsy as your blaster. It is a more elegant weapon for a more elegant time. And you can lead parades with it.

J.J.: But master Yado, how can I defeat Darth Wuv and Darth Lemur with…this?

Suddenly the ground shook and I was knocked down by the force. Ol Yado looked worried. I asked if it was an earthquake.

Yado: No, worse. Come with me, quick!

We raced over to where the jungle wasn’t so dense and there we saw it. Rising out of the hills like a giant steel monkey….

What…is that??

Yado: The Cute-Sith Lord’s most powerful and evil space station…Teh Death Monkey!!!

...To be continued

Monday, August 22, 2005

Chapter 9: Attack of the Lemurs

“Yes, that’s it… feel The Fur flowing over you.”

“Pthah! Hey stop that! You’re just brushing your tail in my face. How is that helping?”

To know The Fur you must learn to love The Fur. Now run around in this bunny suit.”

Boy do I feel ridiculous. If I didn’t have two Cute-Sith Lords after my life I would have blown this place a long time ago. Not to mention my poor friends are somewhere in this damn jungle. I hope they’re all right.

“Look good you do. Now run around the jungle until I tell you to stop. I’ll be in that tree over there gathering nuts for the winter.”

“Now wait a second. This is ridiculous! I thought you were going to teach me the ways of the Fur, not run around like an Easter bunny on crack. We need to go help my friends now!”

Yado the Nuteye Squirrel stopped in his tracks and took a good long look at me. He looked disappointed. “Too impatient you are. Too much rushing I sense in you.”

“Was I any different when you trained me?”

“Wha….Qui-Gon? Is that you?”

Ya, ho…d on a se…nd. I th…k we hav… .. bad recap…” Kick Kick slam!!! “There, that’s better. Wow you can’t believe the crappy reception you can get in the ether sometimes.”

"You?! You were a Nuteye warrior too?”

“Oh ya, man. Yado trained me a long time ago. That was during my experimental furry days. We all go through that phase once in a while. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with wearing mink underwear, is there? Everyone was doing it. But uh…don’t tell anyone, okay? So you’re gonna be trained in the ways of the Fur too? That’s like, so cool dude. We’ll have something new to talk about when we mix the batter.”

“No!” That damn squirrel broke in. “Too Old. Yes, Too old to begin the training.”

“Aw come on, Yado dude. He’s only 38. But like, jawa’s live to be about 150 so he’s really like…um…wait a second. …thirteen…carry the nine… um….dude, does anyone have a calculator?”

“Please, Master Yado,” I pleaded. “I’ll finish what I start. I need to learn the ways of the Fur so that I can confront both Darth Wuv and Dart Lemur and stop their mad plan by killing them before they kill me.”

“Killing leads to the dark side…but what the hell. It’s not like you’re gonna survive against those two anyway. Very well. We’ll start the training again. Start running, bunny boy."

Elsewhere…(where else?)

Padmé: eh…Obi-Wan. What are we looking at?

Obi-Wan: I’m not sure. It looks like a zit…or a very infected blackhead.

Padmé looks over at Obi-Wan who in turn is looking into a tiny hand held mirror of his own reflection.

Threepio: Oh my. It’s going to blow!

Padmé: Master Kenobi. Now is not the time. We need to go down to that secret platform and find out what’s going on.

Obi-Wan: What?! Down there? Are you kidding? There are hundreds of stormlemurs down there!

Padmé: And you are a mighty Jedi knight. Or so I thought. I’m beginning to think we should have gotten Master Windu after all.

Obi-Wan: No need to get nasty, senator. Oh very well. Let’s go.

Our band of intrepid heroes then skulk down the hillside towards the obviously evil and somewhat secret hideout and within hours they are inside undetected.

Obi-Wan: No. It can not be. I thought he was dead.

Padmé: Who?

Obi-Wan points towards two darkly clad and somewhat furry characters. …Those of Darth Wuv and Darth Lemur.

Darth Lemur: Is the secret weapon ready to launch?

Darth Wuv: You betcha, boss.

Darth Lemur gives his apprentice a menacing look.

Darth Lemur: You’ve been taking side-kick lessens again, haven’t you.

Darth Wuv: Sure thing, boss.

Darth Lemur clenches his paw in the air in front of him and begins to squeeze. As a result, Darth Wuv begins to gasp and choke.

Darth Lemur: I grow tired of your insipidly coy remarks. I find your lack of originality…disturbing.

Darth Wuv: Ack! Gasp! Sorry, Master. Please…stop. My….stuffing…is coming out…

Darth Lemur: Very well. I need you to kill the jawa anyway. Where could he be?

Darth Wuv: Maybe that Jedi, that droid, and that senator girl hiding behind that potted plant might know.

Darth Lemur: What?!?! Intruders! Stormlemurs…attack! You must attack! Otherwise the title of this episode will have been in vain!

Padmé: I think this is our cue to get the hell out of here, eh…Obi-Wan? Threepio, where did Master Kenobi go to?

Threepio points to a robed figure running away like a spastic leopard. Padmé and Threepio quickly follow.

Through the halls of the evil lemur headquarters they run, screaming like girls. Until they make a wrong turn and find themselves face to face with hundreds of armed stormlemurs.

Padmé: That’s it. Were done for. There’s too many of them. There’s no way we can stop them all.

Anakin: Did someone say it’s paw chopping time?

...To be Continued.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Chapter 8: The Phantom Lemur

I've seen a lot of strange things in my life, but this one takes the cake! I'm talking to a squirrel. Not just any squirrel but a talking Nuteye Master squirrel with a cloak. No. I haven't been binging on brownies...but I'm beginning to wish I had.

What's worse is what he's trying to tell me...
"Me. I'm the one who will bring balance to the lemurs. ME?!? A Jawa?!? Are you nuts?"

"Ooooo, a pun. It was said in the prophecies of Mad'da Ghast-Garr that you would be known by the puns you use. Yes, you must be the one."

"Great! I guess that's my PUN-ishment."

"Oooo. Another good one."

"Wonderful. Glad you're enjoying yourself. Look, while you're busting a nut over my witty repertoire, I'm gonna go find my friends who decided to take a spill over that cliff."

"No!" He then got up on his hind legs and stared me in the eye with meaningful portent...then suddenly scratched his butt with uncanny agility and vigor. "Damn fleas! Oh....Where was I?"

"You we're trying to tell me why I shouldn't go look for my friends..."

"Yes, because you are in great danger."

"Really? You think so? What gave you you're first clue? Being attacked by vicious lemurs or..."

"HE will not stop until you are dead."

"He? He who?"

"The one who has been after you. The one who has sworn to kill you. The most evil of all 'Cute-Sith Lords....Darth Lemur."

"Darth Lemur? Really? Didn't see that one coming with all the not-too-subtle references. Wait a sec. Didn't he fall to his death those many years ago by Jedi Master Puss?" (As seen recently in Super Blue Twi'lik Tales)

"Fell yes. But he was not killed. He went into hiding. He remained hidden even by my persistent foraging. That is...until recently when he took on an Ewok apprentice."

"...Darth Wuv."

"Yes. Always two there is, when it comes to Cute-Sith Lords. Always two... For many years, Darth Lemur has been twisting and corrupting the usually dossal minds of lemurs across the galaxy. Bending them to his dark will. Now, I fear, he has an army of evil lemurs at his command. And with them he plans to take over the universe! But there is someone who can destroy his plans for galactic conquest. ....You!"

"Me? I never met the guy. He doesn't even owe me money."

"It does not matter. He now knows, as I do, that you are the one prophesized to kill him, thus releasing his evil hold on all the lemurs thus bringing balance to the lemur population."

"Oh, and how am I suppose to kill a Sith Lord."

"Not a Sith Lord...a Cute-Sith Lord. -A cute critter that has turned to the dark side. Only another cute critter such as your self can kill him."

".......? think I'm cute?"

Yado takes a few steps back. " But I guess you fit the height requirement to be considered a critter."

"So how am I supposed to stop this Darth Lemur?"

"You must learn the ways of The Fur."

"...the fur?"

Suddenly he produced a large wooden cudgel and smacked me over the head. "No. The Fur!"

"Ow! Watch out with that stick, sparky. So what's The Fur?"

"The Fur is what surrounds us, binds us, keeps us warm at night. All the little critters in the world must learn the ways of The Fur....even you!"

"Jeez! The Force. The Spores. The Fur. How many of those existential, all encompassing, quasi-religious, energy blanket, universal doo-dad explanations are there anyway?"

"32. And just be happy you are not a Hutt, or you would have to learn the ways of the Funk. Very nasty, that way is."

"What about my friends?"

Yado leans back sagely and cleans his cheeks. "They have their own path that they must follow."

Elsewhere in the jungles of Lemuria...

Threepio: Oh my...what happened? Why is everyone on top of me? Is it that time of year again?

Obi-Wan: Don't you remember?

Padmé: You saved our lives threepio. We fell off that cliff into this dense jungle. If we didn't land on you we might have been run through by one of these branches. Eh...we'll attach your arm when we can.

Threepio: Oh that's okay. I'm quite used to it actually. Master Anakin would frequently cut off my arms then reattach them as practice.

Obi-Wan: Good. We better get moving. Those lemurs may come back for us.

Padmé: How do we get back to J.J.?

Obi-Wan: This way.

Three hours and a round trip later.

Obi-Wan: hooookay. Let's try this way.

Several hours more and our band of intrepid yet lost heroes stop at another cliff.

Padmé: Oh this is great. We're hopelessly lost, it's getting dark, I'm hungry and I think I broke a heal.

Obi-Wan: Well you may not have to worry about it much longer. Look down there!

Threepio: Oh my! It's an army. A huge army of....Stormlemurs!!! be continued

Friday, August 19, 2005


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Thursday, August 18, 2005

Chapter 7: Enter the Squirrel

We were in deep poodoo! Space Lemurs were everywhere! And me with just a simple blaster. I tried firing at anything that moves, just like me ol friend Fluke taught me, but that only got Obi-Wan and Padmé angrier.

J.J.!” Obi-Wan yelled at me while slicing another Lemur in half. “Watch where you’re shooting that thing. We’re trying to help you, remember.”
That’s when Padmé lost it. “AHHH! They’re in my hair! THAT’S IT!!!! I’VE HAD IT!!!” Then she started firing like a Rodian hopped up on death sticks!

“Bloody great!” Obi-Wan muttered to himself. “Looks like I’m going to have to save us all…again.”

Just then, dozens more came falling out of the trees. Padmé started to fall back and Obi-Wan raced over to her.

Just then Threepio walked into the clearing.

“What’s all the commotion? I was trying to…oh my! Lemurs. Run R2!”

This is why I can’t stand droids. They freak out too easily. The tin man started running away which naturally caused the lemurs to follow. Padmé too started to run after Threepio which caused Obi-Wan to follow. Before they knew it, they came to a sudden cliff and before they could stop….

“No!!!! Padmé!!! Obi-Wan!!!!” But it was too late. Off the side of the cliff they fell. Just like lemmings. Now I was alone…with dozens of vile space lemurs! I started blasting away but there were just too many of them.

Then suddenly, missiles started to fly at them, blasting them to banthaburger.


It was R2! Thank goodness he stayed around. Who knew he had an arsenal of weapons at his disposal?

The lemurs, fearing R2’s missiles, ran like scared rabbits back into the forest interior.

“Very good. You have done very well for yourself, my jawa friend.”

I spun around where I stood blaster ready when I saw….him.

“No need for that. Your little metal friend took care of the lemurs. You were quite lucky, J.J.”

“Who are ya? And how do you know my name?”

“I have been waiting for you. The prophecy of Mad’da Ghast-Garr told me of your coming.”

“But my friends…they fell over the…”

“I sense that they are all right. That droid of theirs broke their fall, I think.”

“You’re a squirrel.”

“Hmmm…a mental giant you are. I am more than a squirrel. I am the last of the Nuteye knights. My name is Yado! And I have been waiting many years for you to come to me.”

“Ya? Why’s that?”

“Because it is fortold that YOU will bring balance to the lemurs!”

...To be continued

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Chapter 6: The Road to Idiocy

So here we are; Padmé, Master Kenobi and myself streaming through space in one of Kenobi’s bargain hoopty ships heading towards the planet Lemuria in the outer rim. Why is it that every planet we need to go to seems to be in the outer rim? Doesn’t matter. Once again Obi-Wan got us lost. I took us three days just to convince him we were going in the wrong direction. Even with an onboard navigational system and an astrodroid, that man still couldn’t find his ass with both hands. Oh, but he’ll tell you afterwards that it was all part of his plan. Must be some Jedi trick they teach them so that they never appear to make a mistake.

“You see, Lemuria dead ahead,” he pointed out the window then shifted his hands behind his head, looking up all smug like. “I told you we would find it.”

“Ya ya, whatever,” I told him. “I just hope we can find someone there who can tell us about this strange prophecy that says I’ve got to die. I still don’t know how that happened. I made sure I was on all the ‘do-not-prophecies-lists’ before I moved to Coruscant.”

“We’re going to be landing soon. You better get the droids ready. We may need them.” Obi-Wan said, fixing his hair just right in the reflection of the ship’s window.

“Great,” I replied back. “Send the jawa for the droids. What else is new?”

I walked to the back of the ship to gather up the trash compactors on wheels…or legs…or what ever.

“Oh thank you for fixing my bad motivator, R2. That feels wonderful!”

“Eh, am I interrupting something?”

“Oh goodnessgraciousme! R2, it’s one of the filthy jawas. How did he get on board?”

“BEEPboop weeet bop Geerrrrrop!”

“What do you mean, Master Kenobi invited him along? Has he been drinking again?”

“DoooopDeep wOOt!”

“Well I should hope not. We don’t want another incident like the one we had to go through on the planet Guinness. My oh my, that was a dark and frothy planet.”

“Geepboot woop do Da DA doo!”

“What does that have anything to do with what I am saying? Really R2, sometimes I think you’re making up noises and I’m just talking to myself.”

Just then Padmé walked out of the ships changing room. Once again she had on a new outfit. “Does this make me look f-…. Threepio? That is you.”

“Oh, Senator Amidala. How good to see you again.”

‘BeepBeep booop wappa wappa!”

“No I don’t think she looks like a stuffed sausage in that uniform, R2.”


“No, she’s not pregnant either. At least I don’t think so. Which reminds me, how is Master Anakin doing these days?”
Unfortunetly just then she ran back in the changing room. Man, that girl is always changing her clothes. Go figure.

“We’re coming up on Lemuria,” Obi-Wan announced on the intercom.

“It’s about time,” I told him as I hobbled back to the cockpit. “I really don’t think this ship of yours was meant for space travel. What did you do to it?”

“Oh, I let…eh…Anakin do a few last minute adjustments to it.”

“Well, it’s smoking like last year’s ham.”

“Smoking? Oh no. I got a bad feeling about this.”

“You’re just a walking cliché, aren’t ya?”

After a quick crash landing in the jungle and a few slightly bashed heads against the walls, we managed to walk off the ship.

“Another perfect landing.” Obi-Wan declared looking at the wreckage. “Wooo-HOOO! Who’s the master now?”

“Drinking?” I whispered back to Threepio, “Hell, I think he’s high on death sticks.”

“Oh he does excel at that, Master J.J.”

“Why don’t we like, take a look around,” Insisted Padmé. “The sooner we find someone who can help us, the sooner I can sneak back and see Ana-….eh…my aunt. Yes, that’s it.”

Threepio rolled his eyes (I didn’t think that was possible) and made a rude gesture with his hands behind her back.

“So what kinds of people live on this planet?” I asked Obi-Wan who was leading us through the jungle.

“The archives didn’t say, although they did warn of….

“Weep!!weep!!! wOOOOOOT!!!!!!”

“What is it, R2?”


...To be continued.